Great news, people of India! BOOBS!

When Titanic first released here in 1997, India’s Censor Board ordered cuts in the famous painting scene where Leonardo DiCaprio (Jack Dawson) sketches Kate Winslet (Rose DeWitt Bukater) wearing just an emerald necklace.

The upcoming April 5 3D re-release of the James Cameron-directed film has now been passed without any cuts – according to the film’s India distributors Fox Star Studios – receiving a clear U/A (or Parental Guidance) censor rating similar to the MPAA’s PG-13 rating. [THR]

To recap: When the film first came out, India’s Censor Board demanded that the scene featuring a two-dimensional topless Kate Winslet be cut from the film because it was unacceptably titillating, but now, fifteen years later, they have determined that the 3D version — where her breasts will almost literally be JUMPING OUT OF THE SCREEN AND INTO THE VIEWERS’ PERSONAL SPACE — is A-OK. This is what we here at Film Drunk like to refer to as progress.

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"You know what this needs? Norbit." - Someone, apparently

Good morning! Who wants to read about something that is stupid and unnecessary?! YOU DO? Boy are you in luck. From The Hollywood Reporter:

Is the world ready for a sequel to Twins?

WHAT WHY NO.

Universal and Montecito Picture Co. are hoping to develop a doozy of a follow-up to the 1988 hit comedy that starred Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito that would reunite the two stars.

But wait, there’s a twist: In the new scenario, Eddie Murphy would act as a third brother.

[bangs head on desk]

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If there’s one thing I love, it’s rap music. If there are two things I love, they’re rap music and action-y action movies. And if there are three things I love, they’re rap music, action-y action movies, and crappy things that are haphazardly thrown together. (This is why my favorite movie is “any movie starring DMX.”) So it should come as no surprise that this trailer for Shawn Carter has me all giggles and bubble gum over here.

Basically, some hero took the trailer for John Carter, put a picture of Jay-Z (real name, Shawn Carter) over Taylor Kitsch’s face during the whole thing, and replaced his dialogue with lines from Jay-Z’s songs. It not particularly “good” or “seamless” by any means. It looks kind of like one of those little kid art projects where you make a doll by gluing someone’s picture onto the top of a popsicle stick, but that’s part of its charm. If it was any slicker, I probably wouldn’t like it. The only downside is that it’s so simple and perfect that now I’m furious I didn’t come up with it first.

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Disney just released the first promo image for its upcoming version of The Lone Ranger (directed by Gore Verbinski, and starring Johnny Depp as Tonto and Armie Hammer as the masked lawman), and after looking at the picture for the past ten minutes, I feel confident in making the following assumptions about the plot of the film:

One of the Winklevoss twins got super pissed after the whole Facebook thing went down in The Social Network and left Harvard for the Wild Wild West. But once he got there, everyone kept recognizing him and saying stuff like “Hey, aren’t you one of those guys who sued Zuckerberg?” and “Hey, did you and your twin brother ever, you know … [makes circle with index finger and thumb, furiously jams other index finger in and out of it] … with the same girl? You did. Shut up. You did,” so he decided to start wearing a mask and a cowboy hat so people wouldn’t recognize him. Then everybody looked at him and was like, “Welp, good enough for me,” and they made him sheriff. Two weeks later, Jack Sparrow showed up with a bird on his head and said “I’m in. P.S. I’m an Indian now,” and they started a partnership that resulted in raucous laughter and mass casualties. Then everyone died of SARS. The end.

Spoiler alert.

Relevant picture after the jump.

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Here’s my favorite part of this story: that headline, while somewhat misleading, is 100% not a joke. From The Hollywood Reporter:

Magical Elves, the powerhouse producing duo of Dan Cutforth and Jane Lipsitz behind some of the biggest reality and non-scripted TV, is in negotiations to direct Paramount’s Katy Perry movie. [...]

The Perry movie will be a 3D concert-documentary movie hybrid that will aim to show Perry’s life on-stage and off-stage and give a fan’s perspective on the pop singer.

Wow, a 3D concert movie about a pop star? Sounds like a pretty big risk. The people in charge would really look like *boobs* if this fails. I mean, they’re dipping into the war *chest* to spring for 3D, and for what? I can’t think of a single reason a documentary about Katy Perry would require it. Beyond the financial risks, there’s also the physical effects 3D can have on the viewer, namely dizziness and loss of appetite. My prediction is that this movie will go ***bust***, and the Magical Elves will suffer a dramatic fall from grace. I hope they saved their money, or they’ll be stuck buying clothes off the ***RACK***, or maybe even living on the street and peeing into ***JUGS***.

I will be sure to keep you abreast of further news as it develops.