I once read that "gun" was a euphemism for "large penis".

When I arrived on set it was a little before 9:00am. That meant I was early. I figured that if ever there was an opportunity to be on time for something, the morning you’re offered to visit an adult film shoot had better be it. Not to mention, our filming location was a good 40 miles outside of Los Angeles and just a brief ten minutes prior I’d convinced myself that I was absolutely lost. So, you can imagine my relief when I realized that I’d made it to the correct address: a dusty horse ranch on the outskirts of L.A. county.

As I locked the door to my truck, the wind kicked up a nice thick cloud of manure and pimp slapped me right across the face with it. To add insult to injury, it was cold-as-hell out, too. Really cold. An ugly day was certainly brewing on the forecast, but that wasn’t enough to postpone (yet again) this day of shooting. I’d been told that 30 days prior production had been rained out and forced to reschedule this pivotal day of filming. Hell or high water, something erotic was getting filmed today, whether Mother Nature liked it or not.

In true Daily Bugle fashion, I was brandishing a very obvious notepad and pen tucked tightly underneath my armpit. I stood out like, well, a douche writer on a porn shoot. From afar, thank God, my production contact noticed my arrival and emerged from a small wooden cabin to introduce himself. Following an awkward-but-necessary “welcome to set” handshake, he begins to explain that the crew is busy sorting out a small “situation” that has just come up: apparently there is an issue with the day’s scheduled Bear Girl-on-girl scene. Yes, Bear Girl. I wish I could say that this had caught me off guard, but one must come to expect these sorts of things when Vince Mancini asks you to visit the set of True Grit XXX.
*fires finger guns into air, holster and pants fall down completely*

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I once heard that if you say Uwe Boll’s name three times in a row, he shows up at your house around midnight and forces you to drink a bottle of absinthe with him, shirtless. It’s an old wives’ tale really, but just in case, in the unlikely event that you ever do find yourself bare chested and fraternizing with the enemy, I want you to have at least one mutual topic you can share. Enter the OFFICIAL TRAILER for Blubberella, Uwe Boll’s latest thing that he pointed a camera at. Vince first reported on this about two weeks ago and I’m proud to say that the concept is still just as awful as it ever was: a superhero comedy about an overweight half-vampire who fights nazis? Yes, correct, that was a question -because not even I am totally sure of anything these days.

Trailer begins as some kind of Holocaust memorial video, but then quickly turns inbred slapstick Vaudeville, at the drop of a dime. So please enjoy blatant fat kid joke after blatant fat kid joke. Mark my words: come awards season, ballot chads will be punched.

Official trailer after the jump:

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Now I realize this is going to sound farfetched, but apparently there’s more than just a few ways to burn through a large amount of money very quickly: purchasing excess amounts of black tar heroin, investing poorly in a sh**ty rapper’s vodka company, cramming all that money up a body cavity -or, if you happen to reside in Hollywood, you can always just grossly overpay the star of your next big (supposed) blockbuster. Yeah, that’s also a great way to get rid of a bunch of cash -but just how much money constitutes a bunch? Well, in an apparent attempt to answer that question (and inspire mass suicides everywhere) Forbes just released their 2010 list of Hollywood’s Most Overpaid Actors. You know, just to really help put into perspective how truly underpaid you are at your day job. And just to lay any rumors to rest, neither Nic Cage or Billy Zane made the list this year, sorry.

To formulate their list, Forbes first started with the 36 highest-earning actors from Hollywood. To qualify, during the past five years, each actor would have to have starred in, at least, three films that opened in more than 500 theaters. After this initial categorization, they then began to factor in various other details like penis length and bench press ability.

We used data gathered for our annual Celebrity 100 list to calculate each star’s estimated earnings on each film (including up-front pay and any earnings from the movie’s box-office receipts, DVD and TV sales). We then looked at each movie’s estimated budget [...] and box-office, DVD and television earnings to figure out an operating income for each film.

We added up each star’s compensation on his or her last three films and the operating income on those films, an divided total operating income by the star’s total compensation to come up with a return-on-investment number. The final number represents an average of how much a studio earns for every dollar paid.

Forbes fails to mention how many interns bludgeoned themselves to death with graphing calculators, during the research, but I can only assume the final count was north of ten.

Top 10 Overpaid Actors after the cut.

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Hey Warner Bros., quick, I think I see one last memento from my childhood that you can desecrate! In what could very well be the most frightening production ever, the studio is looking to bring a live-action Pinocchio to the big screen. The script is being penned by Bryan Fuller and produced through Dan Jinks (American Beauty, Big Fish, Milk). What’s that you say? There’s already been multiple live-action versions of Pinocchio? Oh, you hush your dirty little slut mouth, Hollywood doesn’t want to hear your sensical logic.

Do elaborate, won’t you Variety:

Jinks told Daily Variety that he was inspired by Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland” to begin work on a new version of “Pinocchio.” “I think we’ve found a fresh approach that’s going to be very entertaining,” he added.

Wait, so what you’re telling me is that a producer was watching a Disney movie, which was already a live-action version of a Disney cartoon, and then got the foresight to do a Pinocchio project? Simply amazing, I can’t imagine what other projects he has floating around inside that brain. Hopefully this soothsayer has an ace up his sleeve, because we all know there will ever only be one true live-action Pinocchio and his name shall remain Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Godspeed, Randy Taylor from Home Improvement.

Well of course I’ve included Siskel & Ebert’s review of 1996′s The Adventures Of Pinocchio after the jump. What do I look like -some kind of savage?

-Chodin

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Well, now all the nonbelievers can finally add Disheveled Joaquin Phoenix to their list of imaginary holiday figures -Casey Affleck has officially revealed to the New York Times that his upcoming Joaquin Phoenix fecal party, I’m Still Here, is actually just a piece of performance art. Shocking, I know. And for all three of the people who just genuinely gasped, I’d like you to drink some of this Kool-Aid.

*hands over leather canteen*

In a series of e-mails that followed a Thursday interview with the paper, Affleck turned all bromo and couldn’t stop praising the star of his film:

“His performance is compelling, always watchable, manages to be repulsive and charming, believable in all emotions, completely committed, incredibly brave,” wrote Mr. Affleck. It must have been “tedious” for Mr. Phoenix, he said. “How difficult to resist the cheap joke, the wink, the nudge.” But, he added: “He has the tools for this. He has the goods in spades.”

“I hope Joaquin gets nominated for all kinds of awards,” wrote Mr. Affleck. “He deserves it.”

Yeah, whatever you say, Casey. He has goods in spades and three in the stink, we get it. When asked about the infamous David Letterman interview, Affleck was adamant that Dave wasn’t in on the gag, but the New York Times posted a link to an article from Nuvo.net where Late Night writer, Bill Scheft, claims Letterman was completely aware the whole time.

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