Late yesterday afternoon Warner Bros released the trailer for Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows, which stars Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer, Eva Green, and Chloe Moretz (think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts…). Depp plays Barnabas Collins, an 18th Century playboy who, after breaking the heart of a witch, is turned into a vampire and buried alive, only to be accidentally awoken in 1972 by Jackie Earle Haley, who was in the midst of searching for the Collins family jewels in order to-zzzzzzzzzzzz. Whoa, I lost consciousness there for a second. Anyway, follow me after the jump for a trailer that sucks harder than a disco-era vampire. You guys, I’m kidding!

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Did you know that a Google image search for “Madea gif” returns a picture of a man sticking his penis in a cow’s nostril?

Well, everybody, it’s Friday, which means it’s time to discuss what’s debuting this Easter Weekend. Surely the studios will take advantage of everyone being stuck at home with their families, desperate for any excuse to escape for a few measly hours, right? After all, there’s only so much one can stand of Grandmother’s hateful glaring at your Puerto Rican girlfriend. I HAPPEN TO LIKE HER TEARDROP TATTOO, YOU HAUGHTY OLD WENCH. HOW ARE YOU EVEN STILL ALIVE?

In Wide Release: Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family, Water For Elephants, African Cats

Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family: Just as the family is coming apart at the seams, Madea slaps fools upside their heads and then screeches somethin’ ’bout family.

Rotten Tomatoes Score: 33% (based on 6 reviews)

Armchair Analysis: As with many Tyler Perry movies, this one didn’t screen for critics because it’s terrible and deep down he knows it forget them h8terz, so it’s hard to grasp what this movie is even about until more reviews trickle in. Judging from the trailer, I assume it will involve a family dinner gone awry when the successful young adults at the table literally but heads with a lumbering, nightmarish drag queen. Look, say what you will about Perry’s films being nothing more than lazy, offensive slapstick shoe-horned into an overwrought dramatic narrative, but you gotta admit that they suck.

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"Yes, I like digging in rose gardens too, now please stop dodging my questions."

Absent from the entertainment news for literally weeks now, Mel Gibson has finally broken his silence in a lengthy interview given to Deadline in which he offers his thoughts on being snubbed by the Hangover II cast, the infamous tape recordings, and whether he’ll ever act again.

DEADLINE’S ALLISON HOPE WEINER: You were going to do a small part in Hangover II. How did you respond to being asked to do that and then having cast members not want you in it? How did it feel to have them allow a convicted rapist [Mike Tyson] in the movie and not you?

GIBSON: You have to let that go. I sat here and talked to [director] Todd [Phillips] about it. I like Todd. How could you not like Todd? He’s smart and he’s gifted and so are the other people in the film. It’s okay. You just have to let that go.

Suggesting that Justin Bartha is “smart” and “gifted” is literally the most offensive thing he’s ever said. On the recordings leaked by then-girlfriend Okasana Grigorieva, Gibson continues:

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And Pugsy Siegel blows yet another casting call.

Question marks in the headline mean only one thing: EjacuSpeculation time! According to Nikki Fink’s dubious gossip rag, Josh Brolin is in negotiations to join Sean Penn and Baby Goose in Ruben Fleischer’s “Gangster Squad.” What, was “Mafia Crime” already taken?

“Warner Bros has begun negotiating with Sean Penn, Ryan Gosling and Josh Brolin to star in Gangster Squad, the Will Beall-scripted crime drama that will be directed by Zombieland helmer Ruben Fleischer. Production will begin in the fall. The linchpin of the film is Los Angeles mobster Mickey Cohen, which is the role that Penn is in talks to play. Gosling and Brolin are in talks to play two cops assigned to bring him down when the gangster’s penchant for violence leaves the blood of innocents on the street.” [Deadline]

This is still in the early stages, and I hope they’re able to make this happen since it sounds really cool, but I’m worried that the prospect of a hardscrabble Brolin teaming-up with an naively optimistic Gosling to take down Penn’s over-the-top Jewish kingpin is just too good to be true.

CHIEF: Yer a loose cannon, McPunchington! You can’t just beat a suspect in custody!

BROLIN: Seems like I just did, Chief. *takes swig from flask, smiles haggardly*

CHIEF: That’s it, yer off the case, Detective! Send in the kid.

BROLIN: Detective Snugfeather? He doesn’t even carry a gun! He says they’re too loud.

[interrogation room door flies open]

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"Two new parents, please."

It’s been said that when God closes a door, He opens a window. Except in this case, the “door” is an acting career, the “window” is the promise of marital bliss, and “God” once blew $40 million on snake venom and T-Rex femurs. I guess what I’m trying to say is, Nic Cage is your God now. And his son Weston got engaged.

“Finally, some good news for Nic Cage — the actor’s son Weston popped the question to his ridiculously hot girlfriend Nikki Williams two weeks ago … and they’re set to get MARRIED on Sunday.”

A sudden engagement immediately followed by a hasty marriage ceremony, eh? Sounds like somebody’s been accidentally impregnated with a demon!

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