This is one of those internet creations I see and think, “Dammit, why didn’t I think of that?” Those jerks at Vulture beat me to the idea I should’ve had, compiling every line of dialog spoken by Rihanna in Battleship. I still haven’t seen it, but judging by the trailer, Rihanna plays a classic “Magic Negro whose grandpappy foretold of aliens” character. Plus, there’s some gruff expository stuff thrown in there, because Michelle Rodriguez wasn’t in there to deliver it like she normally is in these types of movies.

• “What’s wrong with you, drama queen?”

• “Get up princess! Come on!”

• “Typical”

• “Shut up. Shut up.”

• “Oh, this gon’ be sweet. He hates the man.”

• “You go mess with him and see what happens!”

• “Chicken!”

• “Kentucky Fried Chicken!”

• “You look like Colonel Sanders, actually.”

• “Yo Saunders, ever been in a department run by some kind of Donald Trump/Mike Tyson mutant combo?”

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I haven’t been paying much attention to Alex Cross, mainly because it’s an adaptation of a McNovel by James Patterson being directed by xXx‘s Rob Cohen and starring Tyler Perry, but I admit this latest batch of photos with Lost‘s Matthew Fox lookin’ all shredded has me slightly intrigued. My god, he looks like Mickey Rourke’s penis. Also, I can’t tell if that’s an arm or a leg he’s holding, but no way’s he’s finishing a submission that loose. Looks like you spent too much time cutting weight and not enough time on the mats, bra.

The story finds Cross on the hunt for Michael Sullivan (Fox), a ruthless assassin who murders the Washington DC detective’s wife. Sullivan, it turns out, is an MMA fighter, and Fox has transformed himself into something that would be right at home in a fantasy adventure or possibly Hurley from Lost’s nightmares.

Ooh, a ruthless, MMA-fighting assassin. I’m sure this will be full of the kind of nuance and subtlety we’ve come to expect from the director of xXx. Ten bucks says he enters the ring drinking snake blood and breaks his opponent’s neck.

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Kevin Smith’s transition from cult filmmaker to one-man media empire continues this week as Hulu has announced that Smith’s “anti-movie review” show, Spoilers, will premiere on Hulu starting June 4th. SPOILER ALERT: He wears his hockey sweater in the promos. Will he bring his calf-length shorts and stinky trenchcoat? Only time will tell, friends, only time will tell.

Smith calls it an ”anti-movie review show” where the filmmaker will take a bunch of fans to see ten summer blockbusters on opening day, forgoing the early critic screenings he abhors so much, and then have an in-depth discussion about its merits. “We don’t review movies, we revere movies,” he says.

Oh go f*ck yourself.

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An Uproxx editorial meeting

It’s been a long time since I had a movie-going experience as weird and wonderful as There Will Be Blood (apparently other people DON’T giggle like schoolgirls when a priest gets beaten to death with a bowling pin. Go figure.). Drive comes close. In any case, my man panties have been moist for Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master since it was announced. It stars Joaquin Phoenix, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Amy Adams, and supposedly it’s an allegory for Scientology, but I doubt you’ll hear anyone admit that unless they like getting sued. Scientology is everywhere, man. Don’t piss them off. Just look what they did to John Travolta when he tried to leave– (*gets thrown in a black duffel bag by men in black suits, van speeds away*)

A 1950s-set drama centered on the relationship between a charismatic intellectual known as “the Master” [Philip Seymour Hoffman] whose faith-based organization begins to catch on in America, and a young drifter [Joaquin Phoenix] who becomes his right-hand man.

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Bros! Remember when DP and Dasher were trying to finger cuff Buttsex Lindsay after the DG slave auction, but the whole thing got shut down when Asian Steve hit that waiter with a pint glass and got tazed by the cops because he was still butthoused from tequila sunrise? And we almost lost our charter because we were still on probation from when those Pike homos ratted us out during the pledge retreat goat roast? Well think of how crazy that was and double it, because now Anchorman 2 has a teaser, and this time it’s the legit version, like the Mercedes I got from Stinky’s uncle’s dealership, not the crappy knock-off version we had before, like those counterfeit Macbooks Boner got busted for selling. Well? What are you waiting for? HOUSE THAT SH*T, YOU FAGG*TS, CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! You’re never getting my sig if you keep drinking like a single mother. OPEN YOUR THROAT, PUSSY, THIS AIN’T NURSING SCHOOL! I swear to God I’ll ding your entire pledge class if I have to. We’ve done it before, ask Chode.