I never knew I could love from afar until I read those beautiful words clacked out in a sexy fury by one Rebecca Martinson, who famously, righteously promised to c*ntpunt any of her DG sisters who continued to act like goddamn boners. Her words, her gorgeous, gorgeous words. Between her email and her now-defunct Twitter account, she won many admirers around these parts, but notably not among them, unfortunately, was the rest of her chapter, who are LITERALLY so f*cking AWKWARD and f*cking BORING that they couldn’t appreciate a little publicity. NEWSFLASH, YOU F*CKING COCKS, this makes me really sad. In all seriousness.
The mean-girl sorority rant read round the world has taken a somewhat predictable turn, with Delta Gamma president Rebecca Martinson “resigning” from her sorority Wednesday because of her profanity-laced, media-frenzy inducing email.
“Delta Gamma has accepted the resignation of one of its members whose email relating to a social event has been widely distributed and publicized through social media and traditional media channels. The tone and content of the email was highly inappropriate and unacceptable by any standard,” read Wednesday’s announcement on the University of Maryland sorority’s Facebook page. “All reasonable people can agree, this is an email that should never have been sent.” Further, Delta Gamma now considers the matter “closed.” [Yahoo]
I’m a reasonable person, and I disagree. Furthermore, I have a dream. A dream that someday, people like me will be able to share hilarious emails like this one with all of our cyber friends, and spend weeks quoting its content, without the fear that we’re ruining that person’s life. A dream that one day, brilliant wordsmiths like Rebecca will be able to beautify the world with their prose, without having the things they love ripped away from them by inherently conformist organizations full of scared, fat-circling bitches who wouldn’t know art if it punted them in the c*nt. People like Rebecca were only trying to help. Alas, today, my dream ’tis but a dream.
(*pours jungle juice out on the ground*)
HEY, DOZER, DATE RAPE DEREK, BLACK STEVE! THIS JUNGLE JUICE BETTER BE CLEANED OFF MY FLOOR BEFORE THE CHI-O PLANTATION FORMAL TONIGHT OR SO HELP ME WE’LL DING YOUR WHOLE PLEDGE CLASS! The actives are pissed, bros.
I’m gonna miss this girl, bro. Gonna miss her like Blowjob Stacey, RIP.
I want more like this!
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