(L-R: Rachel Weisz, Renee Zellweger and Mila Kunis)

Opening Everywhere: Oz the Great and Powerful, Dead Man Down

FilmDrunk Suggests: This is a really, really low time for movies, as I’ve scrolled the box office list of movies currently in theaters several times today and am hardly interested in any of these films. Even worse, I have three 2-for-1 Groupon vouchers to use at my local theater and aside from Dead Man Down, I’ve got nothing to watch. Nothing, damn it!

Renee Zellweger signs autographs for her fans.

Oz the Great and Powerful

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 59% critics, 82% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“’Oz the Great and Powerful’ will likely dazzle family audiences while satisfying movie purists. Somewhere over the rainbow there may be a more magical movie, but this will certainly do.” – Tom Long, Detroit News

“Oz the Great and Powerful aims for nostalgia in older viewers who grew up on The Wizard of Oz and still hold the classic dear while simultaneously enchanting a newer, younger audience. It never really accomplishes either successfully.” – Christy Lemire, AP

Armchair Analysis: I haven’t been on the edge of my seat to see this glorious waste of money. However, I have been curious. I’m not a James Franco fan of late, but Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz and Michelle Williams are good enough actresses to make me think that maybe I can revisit Oz and appreciate a new take on the old tale. And they ain’t too shabby to look at either, am I right guys with peckers?

Anyway, I was a little pissed off when I read a spoiler on some gossip site about which female character becomes the Wicked Witch, but apparently that’s a fun thing to talk about. Right, Vince? That’s fine, I’m just going to ruin White House Down for everyone next week when I reveal the HUGE PLOT TWIST in an exclusive new storyboard!

“Listen here, you dig? I’m gonna skit and skat, and then dizzy bizzle bop all over everyone you love.”

Dead Man Down

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 40% critics, 40% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Yep, there’s a whole lot going on here, but this is one of those plot-heavy scripts that carries its weight with confidence – the intricate twists don’t cheat.” – Rick Groen, Globe and Mail

“Perhaps if Farrell and Rapace and Oplev had all stayed in Europe – and tried to do a similar script, with half-as-much firepower, and twice as much brainpower – they might have had something worth watching. Instead it’s just something worth ducking.” – Stephen Whitty, Newark Star-Ledger

Armchair Analysis: Sh*t, guys. Those scores are not good. I’m still using one of my Groupons on this movie this weekend, but 40% from the audience? That’s the kind of score reserved for an artsy bullsh*t film. Hell, even Happy Madison films still score big with the idiots who register their thoughts on Rotten Tomatoes. I’ve quietly held out hope that Dead Man Down looks like the kind of move The Punisher is supposed to be – because I want to see a good Punisher film in my lifetime – so I will still enter that theater with hope.