I apologize for being a few days late on this, guys. I’ve only just returned from Mexico, fresh off a vacation that wasn’t so much Spring Breakers as it was Hip Breakers. Because everyone else at the resort was so old, you see. Look, I stole that joke from the Mexican Henny Youngman impersonator who was also our bellhop, so blame him.
Anyway, as the plane lifted off for the return leg of my trip, I peered out the window and spotted the Fat Signal far in the distance, somewhere over San Francisco. What’s the Fat Signal, you ask? It’s the spotlight that Vince shines whenever Kevin Smith news hits the wires. It looks like the Bat Signal, except in place of the bat is the bulbous silhouette of a derivative sh*t head. So I hopped on the plane’s WiFi connection* to discover that Smith has announced that he has finally started typing the script for Clerks 3, but as a proper feature film now instead of the fan-sourced weekly newsletter or whatever it was a few weeks ago. And by “typing” I mean “speaking through a mouthful of Pringles** into a Dictaphone,” because people who lack the dexterity to even change their clothes aren’t exactly flying across the keyboard like Mavis Beacon.
Over on Facebook, Smith posted a photo of the script’s title page, along with the following caption:
THE BEGINNING OF THE END
20 years ago today, we started shooting CLERKS.
20 years later, with no plan or provocation,
I jumped out of bed at 4:20 this morning and started writing CLERKS III.
It’s been like hanging out with old friends.
And after 2 hours of tapping the keys and giggling, I have come to a conclusion…
CLERKS III will be the best film I’ll ever make.
Okay, a couple of things.
No plan or provocation? YOU’VE BEEN HAWKING THIS PROJECT FOR MONTHS IN VARIOUS ITERATIONS, YOU MENDACIOUS DICK HOLE. ARE YOU EVEN HEARING YOURSELF? GAHHHH.
And unless “jumped out of bed” is code for “engaged the intricate system of pulleys necessary to transport you around like the nightmarish anthropomorphized dirigible that you are,” then I’m calling shenanigans, sir.
And did you really wake up at 4:20, maaaaan? I swear, your weed references are like the lingo I used in high school when trying to fit in at the lacrosse team’s cool parties: “You guys, I could totally smoke, like, all the bongs right now. Or a marijuana doobie, if anyone has one. Man, I love cheeba. Hey Chad, your step dad’s cabin is off the chain, dude.” And do you know what happened, Kevin? Chad threw me through a screen door and I retained my virginity for three more years. AND YET HERE YOU ARE STILL CASHING CHECKS OFF THIS SAME TRITE HORSE SH*T. Even Chad had standards and he’s on house arrest for literally date raping then entire Dartmouth campus.
Also, it’s so nice to hear that the script writing process has been like hanging out with old friends again. Where have those guys been, you ask yourself, as if Jason Mewes isn’t sitting in your living room right now trying to figure out whether that wall of commemorative Clerks figurines is actually real, or if he’s in the throws of yet another methadone fever dream. Where have they been? JUST LOOK AROUND YOU. Writers who spin-off limited edition lunch boxes aren’t allowed to feign nostalgia for their characters.
In closing, proclaiming that Clerks 3 will your best film ever is setting a bar even lower than the one undoubtedly attached to the wall next your toilet. That is all.
“Thanks” to Clint for the tip.
[Via]
*AeroMexico’s WiFi connection is actually just a really long phone cord tethered to a wall jack back at the airport, so I had to act fast as it unraveled.
**Because I’m basically a husk of a man at this point, I actually googled what Kevin Smith’s favorite snack is, and it turns out it’s Quiche Lorraine, which is just great. The one time I need him to be clichéd and he comes up with motherf*cking Quiche Lorraine. I’m supposed to shoe-horn that into a joke? God I hate him.
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God bless you, Chareth.
I remember Kevin Smith talking about how weed had changed his life and sparked creativity and blah blah blah a few years ago. That was right before he made Cop Out. Don’t smoke weed kids, unless you want to be a terrible filmmaker.
He did what everyone does. He got depressed, smoked weed, said “Suddenly I’ve never been more productive!” and then after a few years he had a week where he decided not to smoke weed and said, “Wow, it turns out I’m pretty damn productive without it!” … Then he went right back to smoking weed.
I don’t know, it says a lot about Kevin Smith that his favorite snack is something that most people would eat as a meal.
Seriously. Quiche Lorraine? That’s fucking perfect. It’s a *pie* that filled with bacon, heavy cream, and cheese. The only fatter “snack” is a pie filled with diabetes.
So here’s a thing. I just found the Next and Last arrow links cleverly hidden on the sides of the page. Well done, Uproxx. Well done.
Holy shite, That was some sweet sweet bile.I can take or leave Kevin Smith, but damn that was hilarious.
Let’s not forget that all this shit is Seth Rogen’s fault. He re-introduced Kevin to pot on the set of Zack & Miri Make a Porno and it’s been all down hill from there.
to be fair, it was a small hill…
down hill from the amazing movies Smith was making before that, like Jersey Girl?
Smith was a guy with two good film ideas in his head who doesn’t know when to stop.
I for one hope KS keeps making movies for a long long time. Mainly, so I can let Chareth’s rage wash over me. He really makes you smell those Pringles.
I love how he has to jump out of bed at exactly 4:20….because weed. Did you know Kevin Smith likes to smoke up, bro?
I still like Kevin Smith sorta, I guess, but this article was fucking hilarious.
I agree with every part of this comment. Especially the avatar name and smirky picture.
Chareth, fantastic hate there; lofty even.
His douchebaggery aside, Am I the only one who liked Red State?
Probably. I honestly thought it was one of the worst things I’ve seen.
It was one terrific performance surrounded by a mess wrapped in a clusterfuck inside Smith’s ass.
It’s a pretty excellent little flick
If Kevin Smith had pulled a Richard Bachman with this movie, everyone would still be talking about how intriguing and promising this new auteur is… but instead, the Kevin prejudice set people up to look for reasons to hate it.
yep
Kevin Smith tried using speech recognition software to write his last script, but he got tired of having to tell the computer to delete “om nom nom.”
You mean “and shit”
“om nom nom and shit”
Kevin Smith looks like he always smells bad.
I’m still waiting for the day Kevin Smith discovers that his back hair is actually moss.
Chareth’s jealousy is particularly potent in this post.
Yeah, totally, that’s the only possible basis for disliking Kevin Smith.
I don’t believe I said that’s the only way someone could dislike Kevin Smith. Nor, did I imply it.
Sweet. A “ur just jealous h8ter” comment followed by turgid grammatical nitpicking. You are boring as shit.
I don’t think you know what grammar is if you think that’s what I was nitpicking.
And I really don’t care if I’m “boring”, i’m not trying to cultivate some juvenile over the top hater internet personality.
JUVENILE!?! I dropped a fucking Henny Youngman reference for fuck’s sake.
And everyone cares whether they’re boring. Please.
amidst all the juvenile fat jokes. so let’s call it a wash then.
Let’s call what a wash? I wrote an article, you left a boring comment that employed the same argument that teenage girls use to defend Chris Brown, and I called you on it. Look, it’s not the end of the world. It would just be more fun if you tried harder.
I’m not interested in trying harder or entertaining anyone. I’m not looking to get noticed so I can write hacky articles for film humor websites. I think your shit is terrible and I don’t get what everyone finds so funny about it so I’m using the comments section to say so, since that’s what it’s there for.
And I’m clearly in the minority here and you obviously think very highly of yourself, so don’t get so butthurt over one guy thinking you suck.
“I’m not interested in trying harder or entertaining anyone” is not only the saddest thing I’ve ever read, it’s also the title of Kevin Smith’s autobiography.
If you think it’s sad that someone isn’t as interested as you in being provocative or entertaining on the internet than I don’t know what to tell you, man. We just have different priorities in life I guess.
Cancel the internet. Someone got pissed you railed on their Hero.
I don’t know who this Chareth is, but his hate is intoxicating. These Kevin Smith pieces are the best. I hope Chareth really is Jason Bateman. I also wish he was around more often. Chareth I mean. Or Jason. I’ll take either.
I kind of wish it were possible that Chareth could be Jason Mewes incognito.
Mewes would never be able to handle multisyllabic awesomness like “nightmarish anthropomorphized dirigible”. On that note, I suddenly want Smith to be the bad guy in Brave Little Toaster 3: Panini’s Revenge.
I don’t think I used to hate Kevin Smith, but I really feel like I do know. I now understand how bullying works.
The second anyone points out my typo, I’ll be all like, “Yeah, but isn’t Kevin Smith a fat, stupid idiot?”
HEY YOU MISSPELLED KNOW
I really enjoyed the acid-flavored article. And yes, I’m a fan of his. Take away the weed and the success and the mildly hot wife and I kind of resemble him. Oh, wait, take all those things and all we have in common is fat.
Anyway, not sure why, but my favorite part was the Mavis Beacon reference.
I don’t get it? I like Kevin smith and his stuff. Dogma was awesome and comic book men is funny
0/10. Bad troll!
Chareth, your Kevin Smith hatred is marvelous.
This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read. How is this in any way journalism. The man is in social media he tweets what comes to mind. Oh, how dare he get high and talk through Twitter. How dare you have a giant stick up your ass and TRY to belittle a guy for being creative. Taking us on the journey of making something happen. Scripts, films, ideas and intellectual properties can go through many iterations it just that most aren’t brodcasting it through social media. The man has over 2 million twitter followers and a legion of podcast fans. He tours with his films now doing it independently without a production company dictating his creative vision. You can say “Oh, those ticket prices are ridiculous, who in they’re right mind would pay that.” IT’S NOT FOR YOU YOU FUCK. Bottom line you are a vindictive little shit because you never had the balls to do any of this yourself. Now you blog post on a half assed website that is just drenched in pointless vitriol at those who try and do something. How dare he? How dare you promoting such needless asinine rants on a person who is in social media deep for tweeting his thoughts. “Oh, he’s hiiiigh man hey whoa 420, bro.” You are a sad person because you are literally the gutter press if you are so upset at a man who is simply being asked questions and responds. The most ludicrous thing about this is how your facts are wrong. He has never once said that it will be a stand alone book or whatever. It was always meant to be a film, he simply thought that a fan sourced book would be something fun and another way to make money to fund the film, THATS IT.
“Oh, how dare he charge for his film, these prices are retarded.” Do you like making money? Would you like to manke money? Do you have anything at all in all your years that would actually facilitate anyone paying you for something creative you’ve done? Do you simply shit on the creative under the guise that you know better because you are a student of media blah, blah, blah and you gain fans because they think they know what they are talking about blah, blah, blah?
“It looks like the Bat Signal, except in place of the bat is the bulbous silhouette of a derivative sh*t head.”
So this is what passes for pseudo-journalism these days.
Bottom line if you are so angry and so full of rage at Kevin Smith news then let me ask you this. Why report it? Why give in to him and promote him and what he’s doing. I just looked at his twitter. He quite literally took a screenshot of his mac, of the first page of Clerks 3 and posted to instagram because in my mind the dude probably thought, “Hey, my fans will probably like this.”
And so you take that small nugget of Kevin Smith news and run with it and post an article about how upset you are. You just promoted him, you just helped him gain a little more awareness. The internet has (sadly) given all of us a voice, you use it to bitch and moan and try to take the wind out of the sails of anyone doing anything creative because you don’t like it. Kevin Smith uses it as a way to talk to fans to make a living, outside the normal sign onto movie, make movie, distribute movie, and ultimately to just promote awareness of his upcoming projects for anyone who would like to know.
You apparently love to know because any piece of Kevin Smith news you are all over it.
You might be the biggest Kevin Smith fan of them all.
Someone “analyzing” one of Chareth’s Kevin Smith hate orgasms is now the best thing that has ever happened in all of the history of forever.
Looks like someone came across this article without ever reading Chareth and just wasted an hour of his day. And he has to be a pretty big Kevin Smith fan, so that’s like the ultimate victory lap for Mr. Cutestory.
*BTW laughed super hard at lacrosse Chad “literally raping the entire Dartmouth campus”
Kevin? Is that you? It’s only 3:14, shouldn’t you still be in bed?
In particular, “This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read” is quite choice, and really sets the mood.
On the other hand, I’m pretty sure it is clear who the biggest Kevin Smith fan of them all is.
I’m pretty even on Kevin Smith hate, I just think he’s a lazy filmmaker and there are lots of those. Adam Sandler and Michael Bay get the same kind of treatment here because they are lazy and make shitty movies. I enjoy these articles for what they are, entertainment. I’m looking forward to the next Smith hate post because comments like these are pure gold.
@JTRO: Smith the filmmaker I find rather mediocre, which he admits himself (whether that means anything is another debate); Smith the writer I very much like.
You seem like the type of guy who has “Kevin Smith” on google alert just for this type of thing.
You just spent 642 words complaining about a 541 word article.
TL/DR
Ding ding ding! We got a “How is this journalism” alert over here.
Hey, dingbat, it’s an opinion piece on a humorous movie website. Part of me wants you to understand how “journalism” has nothing to do with anything. Most if me doesn’t because that level of stupid is extra tasty.
Vince basically found a troll and gave him a more public platform to do his trolling. That’s mainly what annoys me about these posts.
YOU JUST DON’T GET IT, DO YOU? Chareth Cutestory is an anonymous writer who occasionally blogs for the 1,236th ranked blog in the U.S. Reading the reason critiques provided by Mr. Cutestory will cause Mr. Smith to change his whole approach to film-making.
The best part of all this is that once Clerks 3 gets made, and Chareth’s head finally does explode, it’ll leave KS more time to pursue his dream role: of Larfleeze in the next Green Lantern movie.
I can take or leave Kevin Smith (I find his constant tweeting irritating more than anything else) but I don’t think he’s worth the rage that Chareth puts out.
My biggest beef with Kevin Smith is the amount of fucking morons who think that writing and producing a movie is easy and that they can totally do it, bro!
Writing a movie is easy. Just ask all the people sitting at your local Starbucks.
I don’t know if writing a movie is easy, but writing Clerks III is easy.
Scene 1: Joseph Gordon-Levitt falls out of his closet. Dante calls him and tells him to come to work.
Scene 2: “I’m not even supposed to be here today.”
Scene 3: Dick joke
Scene 4: Jay and Silent Bob are now sign-spinners for the Quick Stop.
Scenes 5-17: Dick jokes.
Scene 18: Schmaltzy ending.
Credits.
There’s also a deleted scene where someone compares Avatar to Star Wars and Randall argues with them about it.
Where can I send your check?
I have never really gave Kevin Smith a thought either way. I enjoyed Clerks 1 & 2 and I’ve seen a few interviews and he seems like he’d be a really nice person, that’s about the extent of it. With that said, I really do not get the super-hate for this guy though. I can’t tell if it’s people just hating a guy because he’s a fucking nerd and an easy target because of his obesity or if it’s people hating the type of people who are diehard Kevin Smith fans, hating Smith by association. Either way, it seems kind of unwarranted.
Yeah, I don’t get it either. I’m not a Kevin Smith fanboy, but I’ve enjoyed most of his movies and his Q&A videos. Still not getting why all the hate. Whatever.
Oh, and really good joke (the author) at Aeromexico. Because Mexico has to be a piss poor country, then it surely has terrible services and companies. Right. Very clever!
This was a really funny post, but I don’t understand hating Kevin Smith any more than I understand being a huge fan.
Which is to say, keep writing these
Will Rosario Dawson be in it?
No she’s out of movies and is now partners in Shannyn Sossamon’s multiracial homeopathic remedies warehouse now.
I a thread full of comments of the week JTRO’s was my favorite.
a hacky filmmaker with verbal diarrhea whose work is based on dick and weed jokes gets a crazed verbal diarrhea beat down using lazy weed and fat jokes.
Sounds like a push to me.
This is the first time I’ve ever read something on this website and questioned why I was coming here. Other than apparently having a vendetta against Kevin Smith I don’t really know what the purpose of this was.
Yeah I don’t get the hate either, I’ve enjoyed most of Kevin Smith’s movies, I’m enjoying the post and comments as well though
Wow, you come across as a bitter cunt. If this was in print, Smith wouldn’t find this worthy of wiping his fat ass with it. You fester in your small area of Internet while Smith does whatever the fuck he wants to. I’m sure he appreciates the money you paid to watch his films.
I can’t even remember now how I managed to get to this post. However, praise the internet, because this shit is funny. I have found a few of Smith’s films mildly amusing. But this rage is so delightful that I read it twice.
This is the reason I visit this site. ANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, this article smacks of “Daddy touched me” anger. I mean seriously, what’s with the diatribe lambasting a guy who is more successful than you’ll ever be? He doesn’t go out to write blockbuster Peter Jackson bullshit movies. On a side note, that look that Sam gave Frodo was a total “I’m gonna suck your dick off” look. Kevin Smith writes what he wants to. He movies have a large cult following.
So what if he doesn’t bend over to take it up the ass by the powers that be. He doesn’t make movies for rim-jobbers like you. He makes movies for guys like me, his die-hard fans. I’m chilling watching Clerks 2 as I type this.
So, you do what you do best, taking it up the ass from Daddy. Smith will do what he does best, entertaining fans like me with his style of humor. Truthfully, I didn’t see anything funny about this article, at all. I mean, your “article,” and I use the term loosely, was totally asinine and sophomoric….
The best part of this is that Kevin Smith is the one who caused this post to happen.
Fat jokes about Kevin Smith…well aren’t you a fucking pioneer? You know who else makes “Kevin Smith is fat” jokes? Kevin Smith. For the last 20 years. You’re not even beating a dead horse at this point. You’re just pathetically fondling a bottle of Elmer’s glue that hasn’t seen the light of day since the beginning of the Clinton administration while jerking off into a crusty sweatsock. Nice crack at Mewes for being a stoner too. Low hanging fruit too difficult to reach? Just pick up the stale shit that fell off of the tree three weeks ago whats partially rotten, and half eaten by a squirrel. Perhaps next you can write a scathing three post exposé on Tom Cruise for being short. Seems about your fucking speed :D
Whether or not this guy is serious idn, never read any of “cutestory’s” writing before this. I will say this though: Remember what happened the last time people on the internet trashed jay and silent bob?
You managed to get super upset over a facebook caption. It’s pitiful that you can make money publishing poorly thought out criticisms of a facebook caption. You are pitiful and everything that’s wrong with humanity. How the fuck are you an Arrested Development fan?