“I’m thinking next one we should fight aliens.”

Opening Everywhere: A Good Day to Die Hard, Beautiful Creatures, Safe Haven

FilmDrunk Suggests: Vince and I don’t see eye-to-eye very much on movies like A Good Day to Die Hard, because he doesn’t love America like Bruce Willis and I do. So I thought that instead of trying to convince everyone to think one way or another this week, I’d channel Rex Reed in order to tell you what’s hitting theaters this weekend.

Yeah, this movie looks terrible.

A Good Day to Die Hard

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 13% critics, 82% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“It’s all more than a little silly, but Willis’ presence at least provides undercurrents of easy jocularity.” – Chris Vognar, Dallas Morning News

“This is the Magpie School of action filmmaking: Anytime things start to make so little sense that you might lose the audience, just throw something shiny up on screen to distract.” – Ian Buckwalter, NPR

Armchair Rex Reed Analysis: “In this latest installment of the once-honorable Die Hard franchise, Bruce Willis and his scrotal pattern baldness once again showcase an overwhelming inability to achieve erection. In fact, I haven’t seen a walking dildo so obviously impotent since Rex Hudson prayed for Doris Day to have a penis in Pillow Talk. I also found the action to be too far-fetched.”

“Gosh mom, I told you not to pick me up in front of school!”

Beautiful Creatures

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 47% critics, 77% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“This surprisingly beguiling attempt to blend fantasy, coming-of-age drama, melodrama, camp and social critique isn’t always successful – but it’s nearly always entertaining.” – Joel Arnold, NPR

“Beautiful Creatures rests entirely upon the shoulders of leads. And in that sense, it completely works.” – Laremy Legel, Film.com

Armchair Rex Reed Analysis: “Beautiful? I had to ask one of my rat-faced interns with a voice like Fran Drescher’s anus who Alice Englert was and I was shocked that he didn’t tell me she was part ferret. As for Emmy Rossum, she’s got chops but she could stand to stick a few fingers down her throat the next time she ‘auditions’ for a director. Semen = calories, ladies. As always, I found Jeremy Irons to be exhilarating.”

“Sometimes I just take the seat off and ride for hours.”

Safe Haven

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 13% critics, 70% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“The latest Nicholas Sparks-derived weepfest, Safe Haven, is being marketed as a Valentine’s Day special, but the plot line is closer to a stalker thriller. It’s sudsy-scary. It’s also not very good.” – Peter Rainer, Christian Science Monitor

“On its own merits, Safe Haven is about as satisfying and filling as a Valentine’s Day conversation heart, with far less to say.” – Kate Erbland, MSN Movies

Armchair Rex Reed Analysis: “I don’t know what Hitler youth camp Julianne Hough crawled out of, but it sure as dog sh*t didn’t have a drama department. Fortunately, she’s got cans like a young Audrey Hepburn, so that should buy her a few extra years before she ends up giving handies to stage directors in Reno dinner theater. Josh Duhamel, I’m told, is married to a woman who looks like Ty Cobb’s practice mitt after he beat his wife with it. This wasn’t the strongest Nicholas Sparks film.”