This week, I was planning to lead with Guy Pearce's new Iron Man 3 poster, where he's dramatically pulling off his sunglasses like David Caruso in CSI Miami. I like to lead with a movie people have heard of so they'll click through, and that seemed like the obvious choice. But then I saw White T here, and it simply could not be denied. Just look at this goddamned masterpiece. Do I know what it's about? Not really. But I know it's got Weensie from Old School and his similarly portly brother dressed in matching, sockless plaid shants ensembles fighting over a t-shirt with the tagline "Big Dreams...Big Seams." What does this white t represent? Why would they be fighting over the same white t when they're both already wearing identical white tees? Is it a battle over who gets a change of clothes? A metaphorical struggle for identity? I can't say. Point being, this poster is practically bloated with ambiguity, which doesn't soften my desire to see it one bit. This, my friend, is how you sell the sizzle, not the steak.
Well this looks... uh... Sundancey.
A narrative feature film inspired by the events known as the Beltway sniper attacks. [IMDB]
Ahhh, well now it makes sense. In any case, it's nice to see Joey Lauren Adams is still alive. As long as I never have to see Chasing Amy again.
My God, that is the longest poster blockquote I've ever seen. Usually you just get "EXCELLENT," from some guy you've never heard of, and who knows if his full quote was "God, what a terrible movie, but on the plus side, the popcorn was excellent"? It's nice to have a little more context.
But as for the quote itself... "A welcome mixture of juice and grit..." What do you suppose "juice" would mean in that context? I honestly have no idea. It's basically meaningless. Between the juice and the knots and the grit and the pulsating, I think Corliss might've been reading 50 Shades of Grey right before this and was still thinking in boner prose.
Also, Shia Labeouf dressed like an intellectual looks about as convincing as a baseball hat on my dog.
And here's Hugh Jackman looking kind of haggard in a new still from "The Wolverine," which Fox is still making, even though X-Men started a totally different timeline. I wonder if Hugh Jackman used "Frank" or "Charles" to shoot this one. God, why would he ever tell people about that? It's impossible to know someone has named his alter-egos and not joke about it.
[Empire]
I like the way the guy is in midair and the movie has "CRASH" right there in the title. It places you in the mindset where you're just counting down the seconds until the inevitable faceplant like a parkour video.
Well you intrigued me with the upside down subject, drew me in with the swear-wordy quote from Joe Carnahan, and sealed the deal with the one-named director. He must be a big deal! Why else would he have one name, like Madonna? Only big stars like Prince and Sade and Sapphire go by one name.
This seems to be about tagging, judging by the paint-can cityscape back there, but then it's called "Gimme the Loot." Maybe graffiti art is just that lucrative now? Thanks, Banksy. I also enjoy the In Living Color typography.
A movie about crazy Christians in Uganda? I'll go for that. As long as the "eat the poo poo" guy features prominently. Ahh ahhh hustagafulizaha. Funniest hate video ever.
Oh wow, A+ for poster design there, Australia. I like how the dragon has buff pecs. Can't have a dragon without pecs, I always say. And the girl just sort of has her hand on one, like she wants to control him because he's such a scary beast, but she can't help but be turned on at the same time. My sex life is exactly like this.
Minnie Driver! Where has she been? Anyway, they really shouldn't have put Billy Elliot above the title. I remember watching that, getting about 25 minutes in and thinking, "wow, so it's just going to be exactly the movie I was expecting it to be without the slightest variation, huh?" Billy Elliot was the kind of movie that trains you never to bother seeing those kinds of movies.
Speaking of hunks, here's Guy Pearce in his character poster for Iron Man 3, in which he plays Aldrich Killian. It's like he's trying to steal Don Johnson's wardrobe and David Caruso's acting style. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Based on this, I like to imagine that after he delivers a Caruso-esque one liner, instead of the traditional "YEEEEEEEEAH" he gets a cloud of sparks.
What the hell is on your neck, Ewan McGregor? From this angle, his armor looks like one of those shoes with wings on it.
Cool poster for The Last Exorcism II, and I applaud the use of the ornate font to disguise the inherent ridiculousness of the title.
Do they use a lot of graph paper in the anti-terrorism unit? "We've got to catch Osama Bin Laden! Quick, who here can use a straight edge?"
Andy Garcia is the fanciest! Also, this is the blandest poster I've ever seen. This poster makes unsweetened oatmeal look zesty.
Well hello there, miss, I'm enjoying this topographical map of your breast. The IMDB page doesn't say what it's about, but the director's name is "Sarah St. Onge," which sounds kinda porny, so I have high hopes.
This is from a big batch of new Monsters University posters. I don't even really need to see the movie, I just enjoy the character design. I could read a coffee table book of Monsters U character design. There's an inherent cuteness to it. Contrast this with something like, say, The Hobbit, which is just gross piled on top of gross. I'm telling you, Peter Jackson missed his calling as a fake vomit designer.
This guy up here kinda reminds me of one of those African dudes with the giant testicle disease.
Well that's a clever poster design. And the quote says something about "Holocaust cinema." You think this is about some kind of secret Jew tunnels? I'm so there.
I'm a sophisticated man with complex tastes acquired over the course of many years of debonairness, and as such, I'm a total sucker for young girls in bikinis. And taglines like "Party on Beaches." I love a literal tagline.
I hope they didn't airbrush Selena Gomez's butt to make it smaller, because she could use the opposite.
Here's a Portuguese poster for 21 and Over. Jeez, guys, The Hangover much?
Asian dudes gonna med school, y'all.
Oh Jesus. I know I complain a lot about faces not matching up with names on posters (just make them match! how much easier could it be?), but it's even worse when the actresses are two blonde chicks who look exactly the same. This might be the most obnoxiously mis-matched poster I've seen.
Simple yet effective. And I enjoy that they didn't go with the more obvious red background. The blue is all classy.
[posters via IMPA]
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Wolverine-Tripod-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/peeples-Dicaprio-cigar-dog-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/frotcast-151-iron-man-3-burnsys-song-of-the-summer-the-worlds-most-obnoxious-online-dating-profile-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Avengers-Dancing-150x150.gif)
Christ, that’s like Sack Lunch from Seinfeld.
White T should have stuck with its original title, Gravy Sponge.
Whoever is in charge of marketing for Down and Dangerous should be fired. It’s so, so easy for the eye to skip over one word and read “Down and Dangerous looks like shit!”.
Also, how the fuck is that your pull quote? It ‘looks like’ something? So your reviewer hasn’t seen it? Jesus, what a disaster.
This post should have been called “This Week in Kerning”. S o m u c h s p a c i n g
This week in kerming?
Kerming involves Ms Piggy, he means k e r n i n g. G o o g l e i t.
It looks like Andy Garcia had a cane at one point, but the studio made them photoshop it out so the movie would skew younger.
Selena Gomez’s right arm looks like it’s going to break off. Jesus, that looks painful.
Judging by their shadows, I’m assuming “White T” is another vampire movie.
That “Down and Dangerous” poster looks like it belongs in the “You Had One Job” meme post.
Normally I would never do this, but the IMDB plot summary is just a retarded guy away from being a Joe King pitch:
“Herbert & Henry (Jerod and Jamal Mixon) are twin brothers with dreams to become the biggest rap stars in the game. Their chance at super-stardom comes after they buy a T-shirt with a winning golden tag allowing them to perform with Real Deal, the most legendary rapper in the World. The only problem is, Kevin, an equally sized Jewish kid with dreams of singing and blinging, manages to steal the prized White T and has his own plans to perform at the concert. With the help of a gypsy, a goat, and cast of characters as big as Herbert and Henry’s appetites.”
Gypsies, goats, and villainous (fat, jewellery-loving) Jews? That’s… uh… special, I guess.
I saw a commercial for “The Last Exorcism: Part II” the other night and wondered why the tag line wasn’t, “Oops! Guess We Missed a Spot!”
“The Last Exorcism: Part II: Them Demons is Fuckin’ Sneaky”
I thought it as going to be “Ok, seriously guys, last one. For realsies.”
Last Exorcism, Part II: The Lastening
I think you’ve said that you’re color blind before but that color in Valentine Road is purple.
God dammit.
A lot of white space in that poster.
“Big Seams?” What does that even mean? A huge T shirt would just have more fabric, not bigger seams. Don’t expect that movie to be logical, you guys!
Labeef is Mosby’ing the fuck out of the look.
#dadmovie
Someone with the ambition and ability should photoshop a version of that White T poster into one with 2 Kevin Smiths and a hockey jersey.
That movie soundtrack has to feature the Plain White T’s song, Hey There Diabetes.
Down and Dangerous was directed by two-name director Zak Forsman. I have NO idea what “A Film by Sabi” means.
Oh wait, it’s the production company. That “A Film By Sabi” is still meaningless.
Wow, I’m relieved that’s Andy Garcia on the poster for Middleton. I was afraid Keith Olbermann was making movies now.
The original title for No Place on Earth was Journey into the Giant Vagina.
Poster #20 is in portuguese from Portugal.
Mmm, because you’d think the Last Exorcism would be the final one. But it’s probably just a really long exorcism, consisting of two or more parts. Sometimes these things take time.
Perhaps it’s definition #2 of ‘last’ meaning previous, like ‘Last Friday’. It’s not THE last Friday ever, it’s just the last Friday that occurred.
But ‘The Previous Exorcism’ sounds stupid.
I had forgotten all about the “Eat-a the poo poo” guy. Thank you for that. I LOL’d all over again.
For the record, Sade does not only go by one name. Sade is her first name, and also happens to be the name of the band. She goes by Sade Adu. It’s kind of dumb.
Molly Maxwell is played by someone named Lola Tash. Its Twitter describes it as being “about a girl, her teacher and being extraordinary”.
This does nothing do damage your porn theory.
Ndamukong Suh really let himself go this offseason.
White T, starring the Weigh-Ins Brothers.
Yes.
When did Robert Redford start looking like an old lesbian?
Thankfully it looks like Down and Dangerous is stereotyping the Mexican drug trade and not butthurting anyone from countries that rhyme with kolombia.
And it has Judd Nelson. Weeee.
Is Perfect Mothers the theatrical version of Mother Lovers? If so, I will rent it. If not, I will not be surprised.
Nope, THIS is the most obnoxiously mismatched names to faces poster you’ve ever seen: [l3.yimg.com]
It’s two people of opposite sex. How hard could it be?
With Helen Mirren, it could be hard. It could be very, very hard.
Someone phone Eli Roth and explain to him what the word “Last” means.
“most recent; next before the present; latest: last week; last Friday.” Perhaps.
How do twins become as fat as each other?
They used to be triplets.
Maybe they ate their triplet.
Relevant: [www.tshirthell.com]
@Schnitzel_bob
HAHA! Talk about eating your triplet in the womb amirite?
Another movie about 70′s glam rock?
I saw Velvet Goldmine. Haven’t I suffered enough?
If White T doesn’t use the tag line “Mixon iT up!” at some point I will be very sad
What the hell is on your neck, Ewan McGregor? From this angle, his armor looks like one of those shoes with wings on it.
It’s not unusual for plate armor designs to have the neck guard on one side like that. Knights generally stood with the same shoulder always facing their enemy so there was little need to have the neck guard on both sides.
[i4.photobucket.com]
/adjusts glasses
//rolls d20
///fails saving throw
////stuffs self in locker
These are my favorite types of comments. In all honesty.
So the Monsters Uni. posters are basically Flanimals?
As a draftsman that straight edge joke cuts deep.
No sequel will ever top “Titanic 2″.
No Place on Earth is about the Holocaust? So its not a giant vagina? No place on Earth: Search for the G-spot
I imagine the White T’s guys to smell of old, fried foods.