(from left, Paul NJ Ottosson, winner of Best Sound Editing for Zero Dark Thirty, Claudio Miranda, winner of Best Cinematography for Life of Pi, and Per Hallberg, co-winner of Best Sound Editing for Skyfall. from ChisKula via JuliaSegal)

I’ve long referred to legendary, multi-Oscar winning cinematographer Robert Richardson (below) as Tarantino’s Coke Wizard, so named because he’s always seated right behind Quentin Tarantino at awards shows, sporting his long white hair and beard, looking like a mysterious apparition who appears to Quentin whenever Q does too much cocaine. They sat him right behind Tarantino again last night, and whoever made sure he was visible in almost every shot of Tarantino should win an Emmy.

BIM SKAZIM, ALLA KAZOOVY! A WESTERN ABOUT SLAVES SHOULD BE YOUR NEXT MOVIE! (*disappears in puff of white powder*)

But as disappointed as I was not to see Richardson collect his fourth Oscar for cinematography (he previously won for JFK, The Aviator, and Hugo, and was nominated for Inglourious Basterds and Django Unchained), I couldn’t help but notice that the auditorium seemed to be full of his dopplegangers. MWAHAHAHA! TRY TO CATCH THE WIZARD NOW! HALL OF MIRRORS! (*throws handful of glitter, upturns rainstick, long-haired men in suits appear everywhere*)

Ahh, a clever strategy, warlock. But I’ve foiled his plan. I’ve been able to identify the impostors as Paul NJ Ottosson, Swedish-born former musician and winner of Best Sound Editing for Zero Dark Thirty; Claudio Miranda, Chilean ASC member and winner of Best Cinematography for Life of Pi; and Per Hallberg, veteran Swedish sound editor and co-winner of Best Sound Editing for Skyfall. Of all the tricks Tarantino’s Coke Wizard ever pulled, his greatest was trying to form a Rush cover band out of Oscar winners.

(*drum beat from “Tom Sawyer” fades in, room fills with fog…*)