According to a ground-breaking new press release, breathtaking actor Marky Mark and incendiary producer Puff Daddy are teaming up to launch a “revolutionary” new “performance water” called, amazingly, Aquahydrate. In related news, the bar for the word “revolutionary” has never been lower. You might even say that this is the LOW-WATER MARK. Oh God I’m so lonely.

Entertainment powerhouse [!!!!!] Sean “Diddy” Combs and actor/producer Mark Wahlberg today announced a joint venture with Southern California-based fitness and wellness water brand, AQUAhydrate.   Per the arrangement, Combs and Wahlberg will oversee business strategy along with CEO John Cochran, formerly President of Fiji Water.  Together they will help drive the AQUAhydrate vision and be instrumental in helping secure retail partnerships for the water brand, such as their recently signed deals with Safeway, Kroger and GNC.

It’s a “fitness and wellness brand” and the name translates roughly to “Water Watered.” And for a consultant, they wisely chose a guy from the water business. What does a business strategy meeting for this look like? It has to be just a guy holding a thesaurus, right?

Already voted BevNET’s Best of 2012 award for Best Product Revamp, AQUAhydrate is a high performance water without the sugar and calories found in traditional sports drinks or vitamin enhanced beverages. The product’s combination of performance-grade electrolytes and a higher pH level of 9+ has caught the attention of elite athletes, active health-conscious consumers, and celebrities looking to perform at the top of their game, in every aspect of their life.  In addition to the brand’s existing athlete roster, AQUAhydrate recently inked an official partnership with the Los Angeles Clippers wherein the product will be distributed to the team on and off the court.

That’s right, these are PERFORMANCE-GRADE electrolytes. You don’t want to be caught in the middle of a tough workout trying to drink some back-alley, prison-grade water and salt. I mean if you want some prison-toilet, zero-cal sports drink, be my guest, I can introduce you to Pookie. But if it were me, I’d want water and salt combined in a SPORTS HYDRATION LAB by BEVERAGE SCIENTISTS. Electrolytes! It’s what plants crave!

“This is a truly innovative company, and I’m thrilled to be part of it,” says Wahlberg.  “We all strive to do the best we can for our bodies but sometimes schedules, stress and other factors get in the way.  AQUAhydrate helps me achieve the balance my body needs, no matter what.  I enjoy being involved in every aspect of the AQUAhydrate brand and I’m looking forward to a very successful partnership.” [PremiumUltra]

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You evah loogit yahelf in the mirrah in the middle of a trainin session an think to yoahself, ‘Fack me sideways, Mahky, those ah some fackin rawck hahd pythawns you ah spawtin. You ah the veritable fackin awbject of sexual obsession fa evry hawt brawd an half a queah from heah ta Pahkasberg. Those veiny fackin monstahs yoah packin coulda stawpped 9/11.‘ But I will tell you this, smaht guy: if you think the only thing standin between yoah fackin pythawns and Flabsville USA is the foahteen grams of chawklit flavahed mass gainah you suck out of a strawr evry mawnin, you ah soahly mistaken. Every propah regimen should include at least 12 ta fawteen litahs of watah every day. And that is why I, Mahky Mahk Wahlberg, am suppawtin this new revolutionary fackin watah prawduct, AquerHydrate. I always keep my pythawns rawk hahd to stawp the next the next 9/11, and propah pefawmince-grade hydration is fackin instramental in that regahd. Trust me, Mahk Wahlberg and my new friend Black Sean. Eithah you ah drinkin owah revolutionary new watah prawduct, owah you ah helpin ta create the next Osamer.