Excuse my non-movie-related digression here, but I just saw this story over on WarmingGlow and thought it deserved an immediate double post because it’s probably the greatest thing I’ve ever seen. Basically, Kai here is a homeless hitchhiker. The other day, a 300-pound lunatic picked Kai up in his truck in Fresno. Then the guy told Kai he raped a 14-year-old in the Virgin Islands once, declared himself Jesus, and pinned an innocent bystander with his truck and bum rushed a few women. Luckily Kai had a hatchet in his pack, and Kai smashed the guy in the head with the blunt end before he could hurt anyone else. An event Kai describes as “f*ckin’ gnarly man. It was like the biggest wave I’ve ever ridden in my life,” in probably the greatest local news interview of all time, with Fox affiliate KMPH. We Fresnans don’t have a lot to be proud of, but I think Kai just shot to the top of the list. Sorry, Kevin Federline.
If you watch any unedited news interview today, let it be this one:
The only thing that stops a bad guy with a truck is a good guy with a hatchet.
A few things about this:
Kai pronounces bag “beg,” and there are definitely some traces of West Virginia dialect, where he says he’s from. But he also talks like a Jeff Spicoli Valley dude, pronounces his vowels like a Canadian, and uses “I” instead of “me” like a Jamaican. This man is a linguistic mystery.
1:41 – “SMASH! SMASH! SUUH-MAAASH.” Someone auto-tune this immediately.
1:53 – “You know what? F*ck his cool. That guy ain’t. Shiiiiiit.” Move over, Clay Davis.
2:22 – Q: “Do you have a last name?” A: “No, bro, I don’t have anything.” Q: “How old are you?” A: (*shrugs*) “I can’t call it.”
3:09 – Q: “Have you ever done anything like that before?” Okay, that is just an amazing question. Even more amazing, Kai has. Kai says he once knocked all a guy’s teeth out in an orchard. Maybe he hangs around in a lot of orchards? That could explain the hatchet.
3:36 – “Bro, if you’re f*ckin Jesus Christ, like I’ll be the anti-Christ, like f*ck that shit.” Kai speaks in poems and dispenses catchphrases better than a Schwarzenegger movie. This man is a star.
4:59 – “What’s next for you, Kai?” First of all, that is another amazing question. Kai is incredible, but don’t sleep on this reporter, the John Stockton of transcendent local news coverage. Clearly, Kai walks the Earth like Cane from Kung Fu, living the life of a drifter vigilante that Jules dreamed of in Pulp Fiction. Kai’s answer? “Hopfully some surfin’.” “If anybody’s watching this with a mini-mal (?) they could lend a guy, with a wetsuit, I’d love to test out Mavericks.” A homeless, surfing, superhero. This guy is a real-life ninja turtle.
5:11: Q: “Would you do it again?” A: “Club him in the head with a hatchet?”
This is the greatest thing ever. I am going to watch this 10 more times. Also, not to brag, but my cousin works at that recycling center.
UPDATE: Thanks to RDFIII for the gif:
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I have been living this life all wrong.
There’s a part in the middle where he breaks into an incredibly lucid explanation with perfect diction. If the “Kai” persona is performance art, the NEA needs to get this fucker a grant pronto.
The Clay Davis? Downtown Clay Davis?
Kai is Steven Seagal’s spirit animal. He’s also in good nick for a homeless guy.
Eminem to Antoine Dodson’s Flava Flav. This boy is going to revolutionize the… whatever the fuck this new art form is.
The best part of this is the whole inspirational message he gives at the start. I hope if I ever smash..smash ..smash! someone that I have the composure to give an inspirational message to our youth before getting into the details of how I smashed that dude’s melon.
very thorough, thoughtful breakdown. the last few moments of the video are pretty sad, but somehow unsurprising. also, what’s everyone’s deal with Fresno?
Pronouncing “bag” as “beg” is a Wisconsin thing, not a West Virginia thing.
He sounds about as southern as Dudley Do-Right.
James Franco has to star in this guy’s bio pic. He will win all the Oscars then.
This. He’s like Franco only useful to society.
When I first saw this yesterday, I thought it might be some kind of Viral Marketing for Spring Breakers.
Don’t hitchhike kids, unless you want to fight evil Jesus and get internet famous.
Hobo With a Shotgun 2: Hobo With a Shotgun Vs. Hitchhiker Hatchet.
The movie practically writes itself.
He’s just like… society’s hatchet-man, man.
I cannot believe they cut off the part of the interview where Mr. Hand walks up, and makes hims spend the rest of the night studying U.S. History.
You know you are as chill as f*ck when you’ve just destroyed someone with a hatchet and then not even hours later a reporter asks if they can talk to you and you’re all like “What do you want to talk about?”
Early contender for Time’s Person of the year. No joke.
Vince, you got your wish.
[www.youtube.com]
This dude is completely righteous. One thing that bothers me is that every single piece of his gear is brand new. There is no wear on anything, including his shirt. Obviously Cabelas wants homeless people to hit people with hatchets.