By now, we’re all familiar with the ubiquitous “Florida Man” stories. But for today’s Florida Friday, we bring you news of Florida Man’s lesser-known feminine (sorta) counterpart, Florida Woman. Faster than meth high, dumber than a flying cinder block, she fights sanity in an invisible trailer and lassos decorum with a python she won in a bug-eating contest. Florida Woman this week took the form of 18-year-old Aalaya Walker. Walker was in St. Petersburg visiting her friend JJ, and at some point, they both got hungry, so she decided to warm up the oven to make some waffles. That’s when she found out JJ keeps his bullets in the oven, because one exploded and shot her. So I guess technically, this is all Florida Man’s fault after all.
A few moments after Walker, 18, preheated the oven in the apartment, at 218 24th St. N., there was an explosion. Walker was peppered with shell casing fragments though technically not shot.
I like that they use “peppered.” Because in Florida, shell-casing fragments are the spice of life.
Her friend, Jarvarski Sandy, 25, told police he had left his Glock 21 .45-caliber handgun in the oven drawer but had put the magazine, with four rounds in it, in the oven itself, the police report says.
The magazine exploded about 9 p.m. ET, spraying casing fragments at high speed and striking Walker. She managed to pick some of the fragments out of her leg and chest and then took a bus to the hospital, where she was treated and released.
“She took a bus to the hospital.”
Sandy “stated that he does not have a temperature gauge on the oven so he estimates the temperature based on how far the knob is turned,” according to the police report, which was obtained by the Times. “I observed that the inside of the oven was damaged.”
Hold on, you mean to tell me these two captains of industry had an oven with no temperature gauge?
No charges were filed. Sandy, who works at a Wal-Mart store, has no criminal record and a concealed weapons permit.
Look, I don’t want to make a gun-control argument here, but let’s just point out that the guy who works at Wal-Mart and stores his guns in the oven HAS A CONCEALED WEAPONS PERMIT.
And after all that, the most shocking part of this story to me is that you can cook waffles in an oven. Seriously though, how the f*ck does that work? Is there a type of waffle iron that you have to heat in the oven first?
….Wait, wait, no, I just pieced it together. I will bet you a thousand dollars that she was trying to make FROZEN waffles in the oven because Chef Boyardon’t over here doesn’t have a toaster. Aaaand suddenly the world makes sense again. Nice work, team.
It’d make a good Naked Gun bit if she’d tried to warm up the oven, gotten shot, and then put the waffles in the toaster oven, only to discover he’d stashed a Derringer in there. In any case, apt story, because when a Florida woman gets pregnant, it’s commonly said that she “has a gun in the oven.”
[via TampaBayOnline, MSNBC]
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Do stories like this where the people survive incredibly stupid things get an honorable mention at the Darwin Awards?
Except the people in Florida who would usually qualify claim to not believe in Darwin.
Is this irony?
No, just a Floridian Tuesday.
wait, do you cook frozen waffles in the microwave?! just as baffling as the oven to me. the toaster. that’s where the eggo thrives.
Good point, good point.
There was probably dynamite in the microwave, anyways.
Kinda don’t blame her for taking a bus to the hospital. I’m gonna go out on a limb and assume Little Miss Waffles in the Oven doesn’t have medical insurance. She probably saved herself 3 or 4 grand by taking the bus and skipping the ambulance ride.
I agree. But it’s also still funny cause sure, I can understand two people not having a car, but what about a friend? A neighbor? A bike?
If I’m making a lot of waffles (or pancakes) by scratch I heat the oven on low to stash the waffles and keep them warm until I finish making all of them.
I prefer to think she had a waffle iron but it was broken and she’d put the iron in the oven to heat up to the right temperature then dump the batter in and cook waffles until she needed to bring it back up to temperature in the oven.
What part of Florida are you from?
She wanted a Belgun Waffle.
Forget the waffles, why the fuck was there a loaded clip in the oven?
Um, hi, because he didn’t have a toaster?
Holy shit, Larry.
Top Chef would be way more interesting if one of the ovens had bullets in it.
Don’t judge, there are a lot of people who subscribe to cooking magazines.
In FL the hospital bus is the only way to ride.
That is probably the only form of public transportation down there. One bus. Only goes to the hospital.
Apparently you don’t have to display common sense or really any kind of reasoning ability whatsoever to obtain a concealed permit in Florida.
Good thing he’s one of the “responsible” gun owners.
(BTW, I do own 2 guns….but that doesn’t mean I think they should be easy to get….you gotta jump through a few hoops to get a car because it’s, you know, dangerous to other people).
This story will only get better though when she sues the bullet manufacturer for not warning purchasers about the dangers of storing explosives in ovens.
I like the part where they’re from Florida.
Wow, I watched a segment of 1000 Ways To Die a couple of weeks back that was basically this same story. [www.spike.com]
At the time I thought, no way, nobody is dumb enough to leave a gun in an oven. I guess I forgot about Florida.
Ever since this was posted I have been trying to think of a place that would be dumber to store ammunition than in the oven. And I can’t do it. That is literally the stupidest place in a house you could keep your ammunition.
Which led me to the thought….why the hell does he keep his gun in the drawer of the oven to begin with? If someone breaks in is he going to suggest he make some banana bread and then BLAM-O!
Please, please, do not stop writing about Florida. Excellent post.
Giffy.
What about her IDIOT boyfriend? If anything she did wrong it was choosing the wrong person. She probably thought that when a man is 6 years older than you, that makes him intelligent. I’m not asking why he didn’t hire her a taxi or something. But can you imagine that motherf*cker sitting there waiting for the waffles and not even bothering to take his gun out of the oven? I don’t know how he didn’t get shot by her. She probably has a heart of gold.