The Oscars telecast begins at 5:30 Pacific Time this Sunday, February 24th, on ABC, with Seth MacFarlane as host, taking over for the incomparable Billy Crystal. The nominees are here and the link to our live discussion is here. Join us to unlock our special badges.

Now look, people, I’m not going to pretend that watching the Oscars is your constitutional duty, or even that it’s particularly worthwhile. There’s no real way to even justify its existence, let alone its de facto status as the most important night in the entertainment industry. It’s just a way to distract ourselves for a few hours from the fact that we’re all going to die someday. And if that doesn’t seem like a great reason to watch, hey, at least it’s not the Grammys. I’m not saying it’s going to be great entertainment, or even that it’s in the top five best things to watch that night. But if you are going to watch, you might as well be drinking for sport. You think the people in the audience are going to be stone sober to watch Seth MacFarlane dance around doing big band numbers and silly voices? Hell no. That’s a fate I wouldn’t wish on Ted Nugent.

So here they are, the rules to FilmDrunk’s Official 2013 Oscars Drinking Game. And remember, FilmDrunk does not in any way condone drinking, gambling, games, websites, the Oscars, awards shows, movies, or the internet.

—-

NOTE: A “drink” will be henceforth and herein defined as one sip, gulp, fingers-width of drink, or whatever quantifiable increment you deem compatible with your personal constitution.

THE HOST
Drink every time Seth MacFarlane smirks at the end of a sentence. Rule only valid five times, so that you don’t die.

Seth MacFarlane uses the Stewie voice? Finish your drink.

In case of Seth MacFarlane musical number: Waterfall. Counter-clockwise beginning with the host, drink until the person to your left stops drinking.

Make sure to be drunk by the time “Ted” shows up as a presenter.

POLITICS
Drink every time anyone mentions Obama, guns, or school shootings.

Bush reference? Finish your drink.

Drink every time someone mentions “making a difference”

Two drinks if the above is Ben Affleck. Three if George Clooney.

One drink for “the brave men and women…”

Two drinks every time someone switches into serious voice when referencing Zero Dark Thirty.

Finish your drink for “…who don’t get enough to eat.”

PAGEANTRY
Hugh Jackman musical number? Drink. You must now refer to anyone in your party as either “Frank” or “Charles.” Violators must finish drink.

Any reference to Anne Hathaway or Anne Hathaway reaction shot: Social. Cheers, then drink. Most dramatic guest must pretend to cry.

Drink at any mispronunciation of “Quvenzhané.” (I don’t know what the correct pronunciation is, so just drink).

Someone calls Martin Scorsese “Marty” or Robert DeNiro “Bobby” – this initiates LIGHTNING ROUND. Every rule now counts double until another reference to Marty or Bobby. A Meryl Streep reference can also end a lightning round.

Two drinks every time someone refers to “the N-word.”

Sniff a rag soaked with ether and high five Tarantino’s Coke Wizard if someone actually drops “n*gger.” (Or finish your drink, supplies withstanding).

Any reference to Tarantino’s foot fetish, finish your drink. Same goes for Fassbender’s penis.

In Memoriam Montage: Waterfall, counter-clockwise from host. When the last person finishes, pour a little out on the ground and shout “RIP, Postlethwaite!”

That should just about do it. Feel free to add your own as needed. Thanks to Dustin, Danger Guerrero, Burnsy, and Robopanda for their help with this list.

Here’s the official list of presenters, via Indiewire:

Adele
Ben Affleck
Jennifer Aniston
Samantha Barks
Dame Shirley Bassey
Halle Berry
Sandra Bullock
Helena Bonham Carter
Jessica Chastain
Russell Crowe
Michael Douglas
Robert Downey Jr.
Jean Dujardin
Chris Evans
Jamie Foxx
Richard Gere
Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Anne Hathaway
Salma Hayek
Jennifer Hudson
Hugh Jackman
Samuel L. Jackson
Norah Jones
Nicole Kidman
Queen Latifah
Jennifer Lawrence
Melissa McCarthy
Liam Neeson
Christopher Plummer
Daniel Radcliffe
Eddie Redmayne
Jeremy Renner
Paul Rudd
Mark Ruffalo
Amanda Seyfried
Octavia Spencer
Meryl Streep
Barbra Streisand
Channing Tatum
Ted
Charlize Theron
John Travolta
Mark Wahlberg
Reese Witherspoon
Renee Zellweger
Catherine Zeta-Jones