It’s common knowledge at this point that when you’re a big star, companies will knife fight each other for the right to be the first to give you free crap. And I’m not using “crap” here simply as a synonym for stuff, I mean that most of the stuff, even if supposedly expensive, actually sounds kind of crappy. Even if you’re not a big star, you can actually sign yourself up to receive all kinds of promotional stuff like this, depending on your demo. I was signed up to something called “BarkBox” a while back, where they send you dog toys and treats and dog-related stuff. One of the more memorable items was “flourless cake mix for dogs.” You know, in case you want to spend a Sunday baking a cake for your dog, which wouldn’t be sad at all.

With that in mind, lets take a look at what’s inside the gift bag for the 2013 Oscars, shall we?

…a goody bag, worth some $45,000.

Last year’s was worth $60,000. THANKS, OBAMA.

US marketing firm Distinctive Assets will deliver them directly to the homes of Oscar contenders who are not lucky enough to carry off a statuette, even though the practice of officially handing out presents to Academy award nominees and presenters was stopped in 2007.
The bags are not endorsed by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences; Ampas stopped its own gift-giving six years ago after the US tax authorities demanded that the recipients declare them and pay tax on them. Distinctive Assets began its own service in 2003.

The bags will contain:

  • Trips to Australia, Hawaii and Mexico
  • Personal training sessions
  • Condoms
  • A bottle of tequila

Hopefully it’s that tequila Michael Imperioli endorses, the kind that thinks your tequila is faggy because it doesn’t have a little shot glass in the top. I think for their next commercial, they should go with “No, I said your tequila is NOT alright Spider.”

  • Hand-illustrated tennis shoes

Because that’s the first thing actors look for in an athletic shoe, quality of illustration. I mean, it’s not like they’re going to be doing anything athletic in them. That’s what tap shoes and ballet slippers are for.

  • “Portion-controlled” dinnerware

Also known as: REALLY SMALL FORKS.

  • A water filtration system
  • Acupuncture and aromatherapy sessions
  • A one-week stay at a health spa
  • A one-year membership to Heathrow airport’s private VIP service.

Oy, mum, we’s goin ta ‘eathrow ehpoht, we is! Practice your fake accent with Gwyneth and Madonna!

  • A professional circus class for losing nominees’ children

Because nothing dulls the pain of failure like a child learning to trapeze. JUGGLE, APPLE! YOU’RE OUR MEAL TICKET NOW!

Oh, and if you’re wondering about that banner image, unfortunately, the ticker promising abortions was just a fluke juxtaposition and not an actual offer from the gift bag, which is thoroughly disappointing. Though that gift bag did include Swarovski-crystal encrusted Purell bottles (I swear to God I am not making this up), and the guy who put it together is apparently named “Lash Fairy.” Don’t ever change, Hollywood.