The Internet nearly exploded with nerdy joy when Hulu made the Criterion Collection available for free last weekend. And sure, if you like “critically acclaimed” movies by “esteemed directors,” those films are pretty good. But what about us folk who enjoy the simpler pleasures of a cinematic trainwreck? Maybe a movie featuring an evil lizard king or a crime-fighting Santa Claus? Fortunately, there are literally dozens of Hollywood’s anti-masterpieces available for free every single day on YouTube. Here are 16 awesomely bad movies streaming in unbroken clips that you can watch right now.
If you’ve ever watched a movie like Mortal Kombat or Tomb Raider and thought to yourself, “Dear God, why is this movie so terrible?” it’s because Super Mario Bros. set a very low bar for video game adaptations. This movie took all the things people love about the Super Mario Bros. video game series and threw them right down the warp pipe. A full hour goes by in the movie before the brothers even put on the damn trademark red and green get-ups! Actually, come to think of it, Mario and Luigi aren't even “brothers” in this movie. They have this weird pseudo paternal relationship that never even gets explained because they are so busy fighting evolved dinosaurs. Remember that from the video game? No? Well, you’re not alone.
In retrospect, Mac and Me is more terrifying than it is entertaining. The whole film comes off as a shameless ripoff of E.T. that also doubles as a 100-minute long commercial for McDonald’s. But unlike E.T., Mac and his fellow aliens are not cute and lovable. They look like a family of uncircumsized penises. To save you the time, there are only two scenes you need to watch:
At the one hour mark, the movie heads to McDonald’s where it stays for the next five minutes. There are choreographed dances, football players, cheerleaders, ballerinas, and all kinds of other fun things that might lead you believe that McDonald’s is a terrific place to spend an afternoon and not just a corporate chain of diarrhea factories. What’s even more amazing is that apparently the filmmakers didn’t even work out a partnership with McDonald’s. They just did it for...fun?
And around 32 minutes in is Mac and Me’s most famous scene. The clip Paul Rudd shows every single time he's on Conan. Just watch.
There are more embarrassing videos starring Hulk Hogan than Suburban Commando on the Internet (Google “Hulk Hogan sex tape” but for the love of God, watch it through a sheet of paper or something because it’s like looking into a solar eclipse if the sun was made of wrinkly old leather). But Suburban Commando is the most embarrassing thing he has voluntarily starred in. Hogan plays an interstellar warrior adjusting to the simplicities of suburban life on Earth with Christopher Lloyd and Shelley Duvall as his hosts. But if that sounds too science-y and highbrow for you, don’t worry, Hogan has also starred in some crap. Also available on YouTube are the Hulkster’s other cinematic achievements: Mr. Nanny, No Holds Barred, and if the holiday season is upon you, Santa With Muscles, starring a young Mila Kunis.
They Live is actually a fun and totally badass movie so it’s hard to even include it on this list. But here’s the thing: Do Oscar-winning movies typically feature an excessively long streetfight over a pair of magic sunglasses? Or cast Rowdy Roddy Piper as the main character? Or feature the line, “I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass and I’m all out of bubblegum?” Unfortunately, they don’t. So until the Academy starts recognizing actors named Rowdy, They Live will remain here.
As previously noted, Vampire’s Kiss is Nic Cage’s Nic Cagiest movie ever. If you’ve ever watched a highlight reel of Cage’s most over-the-top acting moments (and Lord knows you should), most of the clips likely came from this movie. Cage is a total madman in it. He eats a live cockroach, wears plastic vampire teeth, and flails through the streets of Manhattan. But nothing succesfully distracts you from his weird, limp Cage hair.
Who would’ve ever guessed that putting Mariah Carey, a singer with next to no acting experience, in a starring role would make for such a brain-meltingly slow-moving movie? Not the people who made Glitter, that’s for sure. But at least they didn’t go with their original title: An Excuse for Mariah Carey To Sing and Dance and Wear A Bunch Of Stupid Outfits For An Hour And A Half While Everyone Watching Enjoys A Nice Nap.
Rumble in the Bronx actually has some of the most amazingly well-choreographed fight scenes you’ll ever see in a movie. And Jackie Chan is the all time master when it comes to stunts, no doubt. And that’s about where the movie’s positives end. For starters, for a movie set in the Bronx, it sure looks an awful lot like Vancouver. And all of the laughably bad acting is made worse by the fact that the lines were delivered in the actors’ native languages and then later overdubbed. But still, can’t beat Jackie jumping off a building.
Son of the Mask was such a box office disaster that it threw Jamie Kennedy into a depression spiral as documented in 2007’s Heckler. Really, Jamie Kennedy? Are you that surprised that a Jim Carrey-less Mask sequel about an infant with magic powers flopped? Here’s a fun drinking game you can play while watching: Take a drink every time you ask yourself, “Was that supposed to be funny?” And then call the hospital every time you ask yourself, “Have I given myself alcohol poisoning?”
Thanks to a few generous uploaders, you can have a Pauly Shore movie marathon without ever having to leave YouTube. Perhaps you would like to see him and one of the Baldwin brothers who isn’t Alec cause mischief in a bubble? Or maybe you’d prefer seeing a then 24-year-old Weasel try to pass for a high school student who digs up a caveman? More of a military buff, are you? Well, you’ll never guess what happens when Shore and Andy Dick enlist in the U.S. Army. Hint: hijinks.
Since Jake Gyllenhaal is an Academy Award-nominated actor, it’s easy to forget that he once starred in a movie where he played a dude in a bubble. So just to remind everyone: Jake Gyllenhaal once starred in a movie where he played a dude in a bubble. And all 82 plastic-encased minutes are available on YouTube. There are plenty of non-bubble stars in Bubble Boy as well, including Fabio, Danny Trejo, Verne Troyer, and one scene with Zach Galifianakis.
What could be said about the Crown Jewel of Bad Movies that hasn’t been said before? Nothing. So like Mark would say, keep your stupid comments in your pocket. Here it is on YouTube in all its vaguely Eastern European glory. Enjoy it before Tommy Wiseau gets tipped off by a satellite transmission from his home planet and has it taken down.
I want more like this!
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