ScreenJunkies usually time their Honest Trailer series to coincide with the release of a film on DVD, but I don’t think Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull released anything today and I’m too lazy to look it up, so I like to imagine they just saw some low-hanging fruit rotting on the vine and decided to take a baseball bat to it. I’m fine with that. I could’ve done without the Karen Allen disses. Ha, she looks less good than when she was an ingenue 30 years ago! What a stupid bitch! But as always, they make some great points, even about an often-parodied movie. The sound effects, the gophers, the constant reminders of Indy’s age – and worst of all, the CGI shots. I’d honestly forgotten how bad most of those were.
But again with the Nuke the Fridge thing. People, people: I know “nuke the fridge” sounds catchy to say, but nuking the fridge wasn’t even in the top 10 worst things about that movie. Unrealistic, of course, but at least it was kind of creative. The waterfall sequence was a thousand times worse, as was the monkey army, as was LeBeef not being able to find Indy a rope when he was stuck in quicksand and then throwing him a giant snake instead. My God, there’s so much wrong with that sequence, I don’t even know where to begin. And even that’s assuming I skip over the part where they thought their movie needed a quicksand scene. I choose to remember the eighties as an entire decade of people stepping in quicksand and complaining about anchovies on pizza. What were we talking about again? Oh right, Indiana Jones. Years from now, the question of which is the worst scene in this terrible movie full of bad scenes will be the subject of much heated debate among historians. Guys with weird hair on the History Channel will claim Spielberg and Lucas couldn’t possibly have made a movie so bad without having been possessed by aliens. “Do you have any proof that they weren’t possessed by aliens? What other explanation could there be? Can there be any doubt that the sucking on display was other-worldly?”
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/honest-trailer-iron-man-2-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/video-daniel-day-lewis-stars-as-steven-spielbergs-obama-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/video-tyler-perrys-oprah-video-madea-looks-for-own-in-color-purple-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/video-shia-labeouf-explains-alec-baldwin-feud-to-david-letterman-150x150.jpg)
If I have to choose between this and RAiders or Last Crusade, I take either of the latter.
If I have to choose between this and temple of Doom, flip a coin.
I’ll take this piece of shit over many, many other pieces of shit though.
As bad as Crystal Skull is, it’s still better than Avatar.
I’m stuck in a pity/hate cycle with this movie. People (including me) shit on it so much that I feel kinda bad for it, then I catch a glimpse of it on TV and the hate comes back. I think it’s conflict between realizing that there’s no way for the movie to have lived up to my nostalgic expectations, but then recognzing that even if that’s true they certainly could have done better than THAT.
That was the Crystal Skull of Honest Trailer vids. I did laugh at Shit the Bed though.
My real problems wiht this movie aren’t the obvious ones, The terrible CGI, the bad set lighting, the goofy premise, even shitea lebeef didn’t bother me.
Cate Blanket fucking sucked. Just terrible. Not scary or menacing at all. And Zdeno Chara as her henchman was weak. Dude got eaten by ants. c’mon.
Also – John Hurt was miscast. They should have given the crazy jungle guy role to Jim Broadbent.
and these people picking on Karen Allen was just base. not funny at all.
My friend and I were talking about this. To review this as a “movie” is almost doing it a favor. It is so, so bad that making fun of it is like winning a fight against a paraplegic. It should just be stricken from the record books. Like how everyone kind of gives Joe Montana a free pass for his stint on the Chiefs.
And by my friend I mean the mirror in the bathroom. He is always there to listen…
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Buttplugs
Yeah. I actually was happy to see Karen Allen in the film but felt bad for her because she had that look on her face “Yay! I’m on film again!” the whole time.
And there were some scenes that I thought were solid classic Indiana Jones. Like most of the scenes at the university, in his home and around town. Except the ones with mugsy or whatever the hell the annoying kids name was.
At the same time watching Harrison Ford walk around in a cleansed version of the 1950′s in an academic setting probably doesn’t make for a great story either.
Most of the build-up, investigation part of it when they were trying to find John Hurt and decipher what he’d gotten into was solid Indiana Jones stuff as well. Even the concept of the crystal skulls wasn’t a bad idea. It was just poorly executed. the last 3rd of the movie when it goes full on CGI and the action sequences are kind of boring because they are so fake is where it dies a miserable death.
At least the nuking of the fridge made me laugh in the theater; the rest of the movie left me in stunned silence, wondering what possible minds could think up such a series of bad ideas. I grew up on and loved Indiana Jones like a lot of kids did with Star Wars. That other people did the same is the only reason anyone defends it. It is objectively a terrible movie.
I still haven’t seen this movie.
On the other hand, I have seen Ancient Aliens, and I am constantly delighted at how crazy those people are. That show is funnier than most sitcoms.
Just keep it that way, Patty. I watched it out of morbid curiosity. Something definitely tasted morbid in my mouth afterwards….
That and the finding Bigfoot show with the one guy named Bobo who kinda looks like a Bigfoot.
“I choose to remember the eighties as an entire decade of people stepping in quicksand and complaining about anchovies on pizza. ”
it really was.
I want that crocheted on a throw pillow.
i’d prefer it displayed on a latch hook rug
I never got the hate for Temple of Doom. It was certainly the worst of the three, but it was campy in the Indiana Jones style, and not “We hope this works so we can hand the franchise over to Shia LaBeouf”.
i love the shit out of Temple Of Doom
TOD is an underrated movie. It’s short and sweet, while still having loads of badassery. Indiana Jones whipping the slave driver is a reason to love that movie 100x over.
Temple of Doom is only crappy when compared to other classic 80s movies like Back to the Future and Indy 1 & 3. It is still far superior to most movies that come out nowadays. If you don’t find yourself occasionally saying “KALIMA” in your life while doing the hand gesture, I don’t want to be your friend.
DAMMIT, THEY’RE PRAIRIE DOGS, NOT GOPHERS!
Sorry, focusing on trivia like that allows me to forget the horror of having seen this movie, if only for a moment.
I kinda liked Crystal Skull, till that scene with Shia LaBeouf was swinging around with the monkeys. Then I was done and wanted to get off the ride.
Agreed. The first half of the movie felt a little like classic Indiana Jones. It could never be amongst the original trilogy, but at least the first part was in the same spirit. The whole “Get that greaser!” fight in the diner followed by the chase through the university was classic Indy fun.
But once Shia LeBeouf became Tarzan, the movie took a big turn for the worse. Then we got three waterfalls and ALIENS?! I’d like to turn the movie off right after the sword fight on the jungle vehicles and pretend it ended there.