“Hey, come on, man, that carpet really tied the airport together.”

So as you can see, Bronson Pelletier, a 25-year-old actor who played one of the handsome wolf dudes in Twilight, got kicked off a plane for being too drunk and was later caught on video peeing on the floor in LAX. Pelletier sounds like a French name, and not being able to hold your liquor or pee on airplines is kind of a French thing (it’s cultural, you wouldn’t understand). Pelletier looks like he was gathering up his things on the way to the drunk tank, when, unlike the abstinent protagonists of a Stephenie Meyers novel, he just couldn’t wait any longer. So he unsheathed and loosed a warm piss stream right there in the baggage claim. The security guard actually steadies Pelletier’s shoulder to keep him from falling over while he’s peeing, which is far and away the nicest thing I’ve ever seen an airport security guard do. He wins the good bro award for doing solids in the line of duty, far as I’m concerned (bonus points if he’d timed the pee). Of course, it doesn’t last long before a cop passes by and sees an already-detained helpless drunk not being f*cked with and runs over to remedy the situation by throwing Pelletier down and kneeing him in the back while he screams. Nice work, asshole, I don’t know what’d we’d ever do without you.

(slightly NSFW, for blurry dicks)

He just becomes hysterical with rage at the sight of a urinating phallus, like a bull seeing red canvas. It reminds me of the scene in Billy Madison where they put the poop bag on that guy’s porch. “Oh man, a dick! Moose McCallister hates dicks!”

Of course, as WWTDD points out, Pelletier had been doing his best not to seem sympathetic before the video came out:

The 25-year-old actor was in hardcore denial mode — telling TMZ, “No peeing … peeing did not happen.”
So what DID happen? Pelletier says he was set up … claiming “some guy” had been buying him drinks at the airport before he got on the plane … and the “same guy” later had him removed from his plane.
Pelletier’s camp believes the guy who bought the actor the drinks is an obsessed fan.
We also asked Pelletier about a prior arrest for felony cocaine and meth possession — but Bronson denied that too … saying, “That situation was … uh, yeah, no … that did not happen.” [TMZ]

Ah yes, a jealous fan, so sad, so typical. Fiscal Cliff Schmiscal Schmiff, this country isn’t going to move forward until we rid it this scourge of anonymous haters. Get on it, Obama. The nation’s young and beautiful are counting on you.