YAHTZEE!

Ha, I bet you guys thought I’d forgotten about Comments of the Week. NOPE! I was just waiting for you to turn your backs so I could sneak up and break them over your head like a Southern Comfort bottle. KEE-YI! This week, I’ve got a copy of Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning, to give away on Blu-Ray. This is a film not only directed by a guy who agreed to come on the Frotcast, but received high praise from our very own DVD guinea pig, Morton Salt, who called it “pretty damned good,” saying:

Speaking of which, there really was no need to see any of the previous films.  I don’t regret seeing them (except for 1999’s Universal Soldier: The Return), but I do wish that I hadn’t skipped my daughter’s birthday party just so I’d have the full context when all those topless chicks got their tits shot off or when that guy punched apart a bowling ball.

Bummer, those tits really tied the room together.

We’ll get to the winner in a sec, but first, here at FilmDrunk, we like to celebrate newcomers. So here it is, a brief round up of all the people who dropped by old posts to leave hate mail. Welcome to the party, guys!

From A 2011 post about the new Left Behind movie
jesusservant: Okay so i am cool with some humor especially the saying grace before eating you but guys seriously its gonna happen and only a fool says jesus dosent exist b/c historians agree he did the challenge is to believe and for most historians the bible is considered historically credible so the prophecy isnt that hard to accept eventually especially many of these thing have come to pass (reformation of israel) i am in high school and by no means close minded i have studied many religions

DO NOT GIVE IN TO TEMPTATION OR TO PUNCTUATION. So spake the Jesus.

From Johnny Depp signs on for Pirates of the Caribbean 5:
PirateLady: wow, you guys are so jealous of Johnny Depp. I can tell you wish you were him. Oh come on you know you do.The envy is so transparent. You wish you could get women like him to swoon all over you. Don’t be a hater just because some one else is successful and good looking and has class and style. You only are showing how pitiful you really are. Poor babies.

Johnny Depp seems like a good guy and I only ever make fun of him for his love of accessories and the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, but for some reason, it’s almost impossible to say anything even mildly critical about him, Tom Cruise, or Hugh Jackman without an obsessed fan showing up in the comments to chide everyone for being jealous haters. Do they have the same management? I’m curious what it is about certain celebrities that invites wacky fandom.

From November’s video where Peter Dante urges his fellow LAX bros not to be LAX bros:
Laxxerbro: F*ck all you

Poor Peter Dante, it seems his message isn’t reaching those who need it most.

Okay, now to the winner. Larry just brought the heat this week.

From This Week in Posters:
Larry: Statham’s movie is called Parker? I know he’s getting older, but shit, they barely even let him drive now?

To my knowledge, Larry is the first to make that joke, and he should be celebrated for it.

From The Post of the Week, about a Florida carny who broke into a house, pooped, and masturbated in a child’s room all while being shot it:
Larry: THIS is what happens when firearms training is inadequate. You open fire with the .38 but hold off with the shotgun? Are you trying to engage an intruder or celebrate Cinco de Mayo, you backwards f*cks?

Bra-vo, Larry. Congratulations on a well-deserved Comments of the Week prize. Now send me your address.

Honorable Mention:

From Gangster Squad review:
John Wayne in a Devo Hat: SPOILER ALERT! When Mexican Man Servant finally gets arrested, it takes 4 cops to take him in; one to cuff him & 3 to carry his oranges.

From the Infamous Zac Efron Dildo Meltdown:
John Wayne in a Devo Hat: This photographer has a pretty keen eye to be able to walk past a wall of dildos and notice that one of them is Zac Efron.

From Gerard Depardieu is a hero in Russia:
Rawhead Wrecks: Gerard stopped off at the Moscow branch of “The Vast Waistband” clothing store to buy that shirt. He thought the Homer Simpson-muumuu was too drab.

From the DGA Award nominees (in response to my frequent song posts):
Roddy Piper: Vince, your clothes never wear as well the next day and your jew fro never falls in quite the same way but you never seem to run out of things to say…that make me smile.

From Jodie Foster’s touching and bizarre Golden Globes speech:
logs: I bet John Hinckley is kicking himself right now.

From Manti Te’o has a fake girlfriend:
Jangles: What about AJ McCarron’s girlfriend? A couple of things about her don’t seem real either. [HIYO!]

From This Week in Posters:
AndYouShallKnowMeByTheTrailOfCheezits: My Old Lady wanted to go to Upside Down Jim Sturgess last year but we couldn’t get the motorcycles to stay bolted on the ceiling.

Thanks for another fine week, everyone. That most of you are clever and not complete idiots makes this so much more fun.