This week in posters is back, and just in time for some new Spring Breakers posters. I'll be honest, I'm struggling to say anything about this besides Ashley Benson's name while I bit my knuckle, but instead I'll simply say that a teeny-bopper movie with a bunch of Disney Channel queens from notorious dicknosers Harmony Korine and James Franco is something I'd pay at least double the price of admission for. I'm dying to know what glorious dicknose is in store for us with this one.
Also, these chicks are all like 18 to 22, aren't they? Do we really need all the airbrushing? Cut it out with the filters, I want to see every dimple. Uh, I mean... airbrushing is a sexist tool of the patriarchy that promotes an unhealthy body image among impressionable young girls. (Phew, good save, Mancini, good save).
I know very little about Beautiful Creatures and I refuse to learn because the marketing is bland to the point of being obnoxious. These posters are like someone trying to forcefeed me oatmeal, or listening to Joe Lieberman speak.
UNBREAK MY CITY, MARKY MARK! THE CITIZENS NEED YOU! IF YOU DON'T STOP RUSSELL CROWE HE'LL PLAY CATHERINE ZETA-JONES' NECK LIKE A GUITAR!
I don't like how the tagline cuts off the top of Terrence Howard's head. I just know he was wearing some epic hat in this and now I don't get to see it. Was it a jeweled fez? A cashmere dashiki? I feel cheated.
Bad girls don't cry, they get even. They also like to flash you their crotch while they cut watermelons in half and shoot pistols in the air like Yosemite Sam. Let's face it, there are a lot of things to like about bad girls.
Minimalism, negative space, I like it.
Joel Edgerton manages to look like Stallone in one of his pen commercials in this, while Tobey Maguire looks so Tobey Maguire that he should get a misdemeanor citation for it. At least the names line up.
A close-eyed headbutt in the rain, probably the most romantic move ever!
Hey, why does is smell like Irish Spring in here?
Oh boy, another story of white people dressed boringly! You've done it again, Stephenie Meyer!
First off, is this broad eight-feet tall? Secondly, with all the chicks in tight leather and helicopters and shiny cars, I'm expecting Jason Statham to slide across that hood any second. It's the only thing that could save this movie, really.
"Oi, Oy've 'eard you've got a flash sazz wagon that needs droivin', now don' you."
Here's the poster for InAPPropriate Comedy, the movie directed by Vince from Shamwow (seriously). I complain constantly in this feature about names and faces not lining up in posters, but in this instance it makes sense. Names corresponding with faces just wouldn't be wacky enough for this crooked picture frame of a movie. That's not even Michelle Rodriguez's body.
Here's the Spanish poster for Jack the Giant Slayer, from Bryan Singer. The animation looks cool, but I keep waiting for the giant to stick his tongue between his spread fingers and threaten cunnilingus.
"The pit wants what it wants." Finally, a horror movie that doesn't appear to be about possession, a haunted house, or a creepy kid. Yes, I like this poster.
Aww, this just makes me wish "Knife Fight with Rob Lowe" was a description of something that happened and not a movie. Judd Nelson's comeback publicity stunt, say.
Johnny Knoxville doesn't seem like the worst casting for the wacky Tom Arnold sidekick role (I love True Lies). I'm just glad they went subtle with his wardrobe.
Here we have a conundrum: movies about history and Nazis are my crack, but films described as "lyrical" are my kryptonite. I see a film described as "lyrical," "poetic," or "impressionist" and I'm all but guaranteed to hate it. And yet... Nazis. This reminds me of The New World, which was on cable recently, where all I could think was how much I wished someone besides Terrence Malick had directed the same story.
That Jennifer Lopez picture is so Photoshopped that it could be Liz Hurley, Madonna, Cindy Crawford, or Sharon Stone. "Here is an actress," it seems to say.
This hits New York and LA in March. I cannot wait.
How much do you love these old bastards? Enough to see this movie? I guess we'll see. Also, again with the non-corresponding names. Ugh.
Meanwhile, they already had the perfect picture for this movie:
Slap a title over it and you're done. I would wallpaper my bedroom with this picture.
What was that I was just saying about Terrence Malick? It must be hard for him, always finding a place to shoot where a gentle breeze is blowing just so.
See also: Ben Affleck was jealous of trees.
Here's a cool poster for what I imagine will be another film about demonic possession.
That's right, Dr. Oizo aka Quentin Dupieux (pieux! pieux!), director of Rubber, about the telekinetic, homicidal, tire named Robert, is back, with Wrong. This man should make every poster.
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The Jug poster wins. Wake Before I Die looks like it’s about the knick-knack section at Good Will that my grandmother shops at.
Jug Face…The Judds….Jud. Whatevs.
The heads of Alan Arkin and Al Pacino are…not right. They look like when South Park uses real photos for celebrity heads.
The heads seem to get progressively disproportionate from left-to-right. I honestly can’t tell if it’s on purpose or not.
When did Adrien Brody stop caring?
Somewhere between The Pianist and Predators. Possibly, right about…The Village. Or King Kong. Working for M.Night Shyamalan and Peter Jackson would kill anyone’s soul.
Wrong…. Detachment was awesome.. but so sad….
I saw Spring Breakers at TIFF. I wanted to leave so many times but I’m glad I stuck around, so I’d have this story to tell.
That Host poster is a lot different if you imagine that’s what he’s whispering to her as he forces himself on her.
the “choose to love” one
If you want to photoshop Spring Breakers, take Dicknose out of it.
I think the original photograph is just the nymphets. They added dicknose, hense the photoshop.
Rob Lowe Knife Fight have a great album, if you can track it down.
That Spring Breakers poster is not safe for pants. I regret nothing.
Sublimes Creatureses: OK, I get that there’s Germans, but come on–”Alden Ehrenreich”? That translates to one-way train ride.
Wait… Andrew Niccol from Truman Show and Gattaca (especially Gattaca) did The Host? Son, I am disappoint.
All of the Twilight directors were once respected in their field. I don’t know how the fuck Catherine Hardwicke went from Thirteen to Twilight. Shyamalan probably looks down on that chick.
To be fair, he did the execrable In Time. He musta gave up after Sim0ne
The second The Host poster her feet is a single foot mirrored… and backward? That’s some alien shit right there.
Shit, the third poster. They’re so bland the whiteness just blends together.
Also I’m willing to bet “Wake Before I Die” is a wacky comedy about a “comes-to-life-when-no-one’s-around” crucifix desperately trying to keep the peace between the two ceramic figures hanging on either side of him. Jesus wants to be a writer, his mom wants him to be a doctor. So the portrait recruits the crucifix to help him realize his dream by distracting his mom. Hijinks ensue.
It’s supposedly a Rosemary’s Baby-ish horror flick. Your idea sounds like something John Waters would write after week long fever dreams- AND I LIKE IT!
Statham’s movie is called Parker? I know he’s getting older, but shit, they barely even let him drive now?
I’d love it if they had one of those Smokey and the Bandit style gag reels during the credits. Specifically if it showed Satham doing nothing but glaring at Lopez.
Wait a second 3rd Host poster…is that woman standing in front of that shiny car suffering from Mormon abstinence related backwards-feet-itus?
Holy shit, you’re right. They photoshopped the bottom half of her legs, which were facing the other way. You can see he fucking calves bulging out the front of her legs.
Maybe The Host is about the aliens like in The Arrival.
Vince from Shamwow should have done all those commercials in the costume he wore in The Underground Comedy Movie.
[i.imgur.com]
The title logo on the poster of Dead Man Down IS Terrence Howard’s hat. It’s like one of those plastic cheesehead hats they wear in Green Bay.
I just saw the trailer for Wrong, its amazing. Stevie janauwsky is in it.
Well I guess we figured out why VInce lives in San Fran. Calling a vagina ‘negative space?’
Also, is it just me or is Carey Mulligan the poor man’s Michelle Williams?
She’s been in some decent movies, so I’d say not necessarily. I had a discussion with my mom on this and we came to the conclusion that both only play really sad characters. Would it kill either of them to smile once in a while?
One more… Jack the Giant Slayer is what I used to call my penis in college.
Pick any two and you’ve got the worst double-feature ever.
A little googling later and this might appear to be the picture of the girls that was used for the Spring Breakers poster: [images5.fanpop.com] Or is that another photoshop? I could think of better backgrounds to use. I’ll study it more closely when I’m not in work, gnome sayin’.
Part of me wants to see the one with Olga Kurylenko and Rachel McAdams.
Knife Fight with Rob Lowe should be a late night chat show.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. In the Spring Breakers one, is the girl with the
huge titspink hair Harmony Korine’s wife?I neither know nor care but I can recommend seeking out the tumblr page dedicated to her.
After a quick search, yes she is. IMO, she’s the most attractive of the four.
The Great Gatsby is actually just Clue?
I kind of hope my significant other wants to watch Spring Breakers. I love me some Vanessa Hug-n-kiss and Selena Gomez is allllllright. At the same time, the movie looks pretty dreadful
Nobody else sees the GOATSE in “Jug Face”?
I’m the only one who sees a goatse there?