Strap in, kids, we've got an abundance of posters to savor this week. First up, Iron Man 3. I'll be honest, it sort of bums me out how excited grown adults get every time a comic book character so much as farts on celluloid. I mean, I like plenty of comic book movies (possibly more than half, even) it's just the automatic excitement of it. It seems like a weird form of brand loyalty. Anyway, I like this poster fine, I'm just not that into the idea of a third Iron Man after the last one. Is this one just going to be Robert Downey flexing at the camera shouting "I'm Robert Downey, bitch!" while he bangs supermodels? The first one was fun, but let's face it, Iron Man is kind of like the Entourage of superhero movies.
I call this pose the Angry Upside-Down Jesus. My girlfriend and I tried the Angry Upside-Down Jesus once, but we didn't have the right sized railroad spikes.
Here's the poster for Blumenthal, starring Brian Cox.
Celebrated playwright, Harold Blumenthal, has passed away after succumbing to cardiac arrest while laughing at his own joke. Now, Harold's estranged and jealous brother, Saul, must confront his personal hang-ups in order to deliver himself from an epic bout of constipation. Meanwhile, Saul's wife Cheryl and son Ethan must grapple with their own personal obstacles through a set of circumstances so improbably ironic, they might as well have been lifted from one of Harold's plays.
Too quirky? I don't know, I will watch virtually anything with Brian Cox in it. I like the poster too. They did the diagonal lines thing, but in a way that actually would make sense, instead of just tilting a regular picture sideways. I mean, if it had my druthers, Cox's picture would have a few wieners drawn on him in addition to the mustache. Seems more realistic.
Oh look, it's cartoon Taylor Lautner. He already seems so much more lifelike, even in a still image.
Yes. This is why you animate. So we can have crazy slug monsters voiced by George Lopez. This is what animation is for.
IMDB says this comes from Blue Yonder Films and The Weinstein Company, but that is the Dreamworksiest Dreamworks face I've ever seen. Fittingly voiced by Brendan Fraser, who is basically a human Dreamworks face.
Is that you, Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg? Not that I'm complaining if it were true. That character should be in everything.
Hava Negila, obviously, is a famous Jewish dance in which a virgin is placed atop a chair and fed to an angry God, who rewards the sacrifice by giving out gold coins filled with chocolate. This is a documentary about that dance. On a related note, I can't so much as see Harry Belafonte's name without "Hokay, I believe you" being stuck in my head for weeks.
Shake, shake, shake, senora
You're welcome for that. Wait, is that line supposed to be "señora," even though it sounds like "zanora?" I never knew. Which leads me to my next question: who's worse at pronouncing Spanish lyrics, Harry Belafonte or The Clash?
Here's Chloe Moretz as Hit Girl in Kick Ass 2, from Empire via RopeofSilicon. Oddly, I think her Hit Girl costume was less creepy when she was younger, if that makes any sense.
Stephenie Meyer's idea of roguish dystopian future hunk is a svelte, clean-shaven catalogue model with perfect Caucasian hair and a slightly frayed sweater. This says it all, doesn't it? This is what "scruffy" looks like when you're Mormon.
A movie about magicians is pretty much a softball for costume and poster designers. But man, there's a lot of uncanny valley in those foreheads. Also, the order of names makes it seem like Jim Carrey is supposed to be Olivia Wilde.
"Abracatastic," meanwhile, is just bad enough to be great.
Is that supposed to be his chest? That's nude fabric, right?
Yes. Just take my money, Steve Buscemi.
A tilted top hat is way cooler than a tilted fedora. There, I said it.
WHOOOAOOAOOOO, TRIPPY FONT, BRAH.
The "presented by North Face" is also interesting. "This surrealistic mindf*ck of hallucinogenic psychedelia will blow your brain out asshole! Sponsored by the GAP!"
The most interesting part of this poster to me is that you're allowed to have that combination A/E character thingy as part of your name. I pressed option and every key on my computer and I still don't know how to make it. So good for you, Peter NA/E§§∞ss.
This looks like it could be cool, but the giants' eyes have an old-school deadness to them that I can't quite put my finger on. We may have to put a Kardashian up there for comparison.
I'd wear that hat. I wouldn't have to brush my hair OR pluck my unibrow.
Yep, that's Jim Carrey on the left, as Colonel Stars and Stripes. What was the last time Jim Carrey was brought in for a sequel for which he didn't appear in the original? Batman Forever? I have a feeling this is going to be weird.
Chloe Moretz looks Asian here. Which is probably very exciting for a certain demo.
You know Koreans are smarter than we are when they can mix their characters with ours and still expect everyone to be able to read it.
This shot of Baby Goose and Eva Mendes on the set of Place Beyond the Pines (via CinemaBlend) has easily my favorite description this week:
First up is a shot of Mendes as Romina and Gosling as Luke, cradling his little boy Jason, played by Anthony 'Tony' Pizza Jr. No, that last name is not a typo.
I'm not going to lie, that kid definitely looks like a "Tony Pizza Jr." I think Tony Pizza Sr. is a Kevin James character.
"Visually ravishing." Oh shut up, Hoberman.
Oh, did you think a movie about a non-violent Texas ranger wouldn't have giant explosions and a white Indian with a bird on his head? Obviously you don't know Jerry Bruckheimer.
I dig the two-color/negative space thing. It is two-color, right? Hashtag colorblind problems.
Here's a shot from the set of The Muppets... Again! Ricky Gervais is always making that face, isn't he?
I question the need for this sequel, but I can never be unhappy looking at all these muppets.
Here's Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston in Jim Jarmusch's vampire movie, The Only Lovers Left Alive. Yep, looks pretty Jarmuschy. Does anyone else's computer smell like cigarettes?
Ayo, I think he gone rob dat bank.
Haha, that one guy's upside down!
This has a weird visual puzzle effect that keeps me staring at it.
Hey, it's that movie Brandon Stroud is in! Go team Uproxx! I was gonna be in a movie, but... like, they said I was too good looking or something. I'll, uh, I'll probably just stay here and protect the house while the menfolk go out to make movies. This is a more important job anyway, right?
The latest still from Pain and Gain. Michael Bay's movies sure look great, don't they? If I could watch them as a series of stills without his obnoxious, swoopy cameras, frenetic editing, and grating characterizations, I'd be there. Transformers 2 was on TV the other day. Question: Is the Witwicky family the most annoying in cinematic history? It was like an entire household of shrill, coked-up club promoters on fast forward.
I bet Michael Bay made an explosion sound under his breath every time that coin bag popped open.
[posters via IMPA]
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![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/frotcast-151-iron-man-3-burnsys-song-of-the-summer-the-worlds-most-obnoxious-online-dating-profile-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Avengers-Dancing-150x150.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Iron-Man-3-Robert-Downey-150x150.jpg)
Fuck. Dreamworks. My daughter has learned what “DVD extras” are, and she wanted to watch every single one on How to Train Your Dragon. The people who made that movie actually thought they outdid every Pixar movie in existence. I dare you to watch it twice and not want to strangle Jay Baruchel’s character.
Probably the closest Dreamworks has come to a Pixar level, but still way off. It was better than that shitstorm Brave.
But yeah, Dreamworks animated films never go beyond a certain level of “awww” and into something meaningful.
Brave was pretty shitty, and it felt like a Dreamworks imitation of a Pixar flick. Unlike Pixar’s best, How to Train Your Dragon falls apart on multiple viewings, so much so that I went from being sort of impressed, to mild dislike, to outright hatred. My daughter must have watched Up about 30 times and it’s a masterpiece. I already said this, but fuck Dreamworks.
I’ve got faith in this Iron Man, since Shane Black is doing it. He spent the whole movie hilariously beating the Christ out of Robert Downey Jr. in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, and now he gets to do it with explosives and superhero stuff.
I love Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. Highly under-appreciated movie.
Amen to that. KKBB was terrific.
My love of KKBB has sustained the Iron Man 3 erection I got when Black was announced as the director.
KKBB and the glory that is The Long Kiss Goodnight.
Fourthed. KKBB is an excellent movie, and criminally underrated. The dialogue is fantastic.
I like the new IM3 poster.
One thing I really hate that movies are doing now is this awful trailer for the trailer crap. Don’t show me 15 seconds of a 120 second trailer. It’s basically nothing more than a collection of screenshots that go by so fast you can hardly see them. I don’t need to get pumped up for a trailer, I can wait the few extra days.
The worst is when you have to watch an ad first, so in essence you’re watching an ad so you can watch an ad for an ad.
BRAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHMMMM
(a) The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (especially the first poster): not a SINGLE ONE of those people look ANYTHING like themselves. I could have sworn it was David Bowie in the upper left-hand corner.
(b) The Lone Ranger– Armie: “Did you hear something, Tonto?” Depp: “Keep walking, kemo sabe, don’t look back.”
I thought Buscemi was Paul Reubens at first.
Buscemi looks like an airbrushed Christopher McDonald in that.
Lol, yeah I thought it was David Bowie too. I then read the names on the right and was like “… they left off david bowie… wtf!”
I stared at Steve Carrell in the first poster for a good 90 seconds before I realized it was him.
- The only thing that is making The Croods look reasonable is Escape From Planet Earth. Hell it’s even making Osmosis Jones look good.
-The Incredible Burt Wonderstone. OMG YES PLEASE. More Steve Carell as Khan the Magician (with Lifelike Action Khan Wonder-Chest)
-Agreed about the Hit Girl outfit seeming more inappropriate now for some reason. Maybe the recent Dakota Fanning news is part of the equation. Definitely repressed boob action going on.
-Ricky Gervais needs to bring Karl Pilkington aboard the Muppet film.
A man has never deserved to be called a Muppet more than Karl Pilkington!
Spot the movie poster tropes in the Iron Man 3 poster:
– Blue & Orange
– Tilt
– Debris
– Sparks
Did I miss anything?
RDJ’s grimace, apparently because he is farting fire.
At least he’s making a face–when was the last time there was a movie poster with a non-publicity still frontal or 3/4 face turn on it?
That aside though, that poster is terrible.
ÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆ
I did that just to brag.
What is that thing? Is it a cousin to that not quite a B German thing?
@kungjitsu – that’s called a ligature. It is formed when certain letters come together. Usually there is an alt+keypad sequence to type it.
/pushes up design nerd glasses.
The Hit-Girl costume was cute, killer aside, on a prepubescent 12 year old. On a growing 16 year old (well, except for her A cups. Get that fixed) it just looks stupid.
I have a friend who’s colorblind. When we play Smash Brothers he has to be Yellow Kirby because he can see him well.
That giant making the Dreamworks Face…you know that movie is going to suck.
Only Vince would think a fetishized costume on a 15 year old is creepier than on a 12 year old. Also, I think I used to have a VHS of “Into the White” in my sock drawer.
Hey, a few people agreed with me. On a 12-year-old, the sexiness is clearly jokey parody. On a 15-year-old… It gets creepier.
They have to dress her in stuff that makes us kind of not want to bang her. It is a tightrope they walk.
@Larry:
I think they should have made her as sexy as they possibly could and then acted like “What? You’re the one that got the boner!”
Yeah, in the original Kickass is was kind of funny when she sort of flirted with him because she was this Pint sized little girl with no sex appeal… now it might be different… and different makes me uncomfortable.
Bad feeling that when you walk into the theater the only one there will be Chris Hanson.
*Hansen
It’s way creepier now. Before it’s just a kid playing dress-up, now she’s a goddamn sting operation.
It can’t be good that I only comment about teen girls now.
Point(s) taken. It is funny that we’re all focusing on how sexualized a child’s costume may or may not be when said child is also calling people cunts and eviscerating gang bangers.
“First up is a shot of Mendes as Romina and Gosling as Luke, cradling his little boy Jason, played by Anthony ‘Tony’ Pizza Jr. No, that last name is not a typo.”
That’s actually an excerpt from Schwarzenegger’s DVD commentary.
Thanks for ruining not only atheism but Muppets for me, Gervais. You mean mugging smedium shirt wearing sack of shit.
Also, remember when animated roles went to voice actors?
Into the Mind is about skiing/snowboarding, FYI. North Face is probably trying to gain ground on Red Bull’s adventure porn movies. If any of y’all are into that kinda thing, That’s It That’s All is doooope. So is The Art of Flight.
I think Tony Pizza Sr. is a Kevin James character.
You mean Paul Blart alter-ego, right? Do you think Blart has a really active imagination, or a really profitable case of dissociative identity disorder?
Dude sprinting with tote bags full of coins would be a gnarly shoulder pump.
I’m always up for blowing my brain out of my asshole. Just ask my high scholl acid dealer. Oh wait, you cant. He died of a heroin overdose last summer.
ugh. can’t stop thinking about the last shuttle disaster. thanks iron man.
It still surprises me that Ron Weasley is getting steady work.
I think Johnny Depp is playing the Indian who traded Manhattan for beads. “Nice trinkets! I’ll give you whatever you want for them!”
…Iron Man is kind of like the Entourage of superhero movies.
I can see the parallels. Jeremy Piven, like Tony Stark, seems to have spent years tailoring his style around some pretty impressive repulsive abilities.
I can’t look at The Incredible Burt Wonderstone group poster and not think it’s the billboard for the newest Vegas lounge act featuring Rick Springfield, David Lee Roth and Scott Stapp.
Fuck. Buscemi, Carrell, and Olivia Wilde in a movie about magicians? Just go ahead and take the money out of my wallet now.
David Kross. Hmm.
“Chloe Moretz looks Asian here. Which is probably very exciting for a certain demo.”
I believe that “certain demo” is usually referred to as “Uproxx Readers,” right?
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