Not so fast, metal dude and fish boy.
The other day we talked about how Marvel Studios was possibly going to screw the pooch by casting Adam Sandler to voice Rocket the Raccoon in Guardians of the Galaxy, but the good news to take away from that was that at least Marvel was actually casting. On the other hand, it’s another day and another rumor for Justice League, which has a writer, villain and possibly a storyline, but still has no director or cast. Oh, and it has a targeted release for the summer of 2015 to nut up to the Avengers sequel, so you could say that this movie is an absolute mess right now.
But DC and Warner Brothers work in baby steps, because they supposedly have the main heroes finally picked out. According to the comic movie scoops at Latino Review, 2015 is going to be a terrible year for Aquaman fans.
… according to sources, the final cinematic Justice League roster will consist of five core members featuring:
1) Superman
2) Batman
3) Green Lantern
4) Wonder Woman
5) The Flash
This is good news, because the Justice League has a membership list longer than Elongated Man’s dong, so with just five characters in tow, they can keep it a little cleaner. But like I said, this is bad news for fans of the other characters, and there are many. Maybe we’ll get a few cameos, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. In the meantime, here’s a definitive list of the characters that will most likely be excluded:
Aquaman
Martian Manhunter
Green Arrow
Atom
Hawkman
Hawkgirl
Firestorm
Blue Beetle
Captain Atom
Steel
Vixen
Vibe
Gypsy
Mister Miracle
Huntress
Cheddar Fondue
Pepperoni Nipples
Dr. Funkenstein
Pube Boy
Slut Girl
Space General Abner Dildo
Terence Trent D’Arby
Average Man
Dick Fingers
The Incredible Nazi
Horse
Marv Albert’s Toupee
And, of course, Frank Stallone
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I call bullshit.
Vibe was never in the Justice League.
(waits for Geoff Johns to show up at my house with trades)
Vibe was part of Justice League International, headquartered in Detroit, of all places.
He’s apparently going to be part of the Justice League of America team debuting soonish.
Dr. Funkenstein won’t appear because he’s too busy being the Slow-Jam General under President Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelic.
Actually, he’s been touring with Old Greg and The Funk.
I can do without Pube Boy but the absence of Slut Girl makes this film a definite Will-Not-See for yours truly.
She was like the rug that tied the whole room together.
I thought Merkin Boy was the rug that tied the whole room together.
The Incredible Will Nazi?
No Pepperoni Nipples?!?!?!? No Frank Stallone!?!?! Clearly Warner Brothers doesnt want the Italian market share with this “movie.”
“Gypsy”
With Cambot directing, this is a shock.
Makes sense there’s no Pepperoni Nipples this time around. The character’s canon has been pretty much defined in those Big Sausage Pizza porn flicks.
With Bad Horse being the rumored villian, it’s shocking that Horse won’t be making an appearance. I’d be interested to see if they used his original uniform or the Jim Lee redesign with a thousand pouches.
I hope they use the Rob Liefeld re-redesign with a billion pouches.
A. Whitney Brown as Mr. Mxyzptlk or GTFO.
Well played.
Space General Abner Dildo will be in it in an origin role. He turns evil in the second one and is the villain in the third. C’mon Vince, you’re better than this.
Don’t I feel like an idiot for throwing all that money down that Wishing Well now.
was it a wishing well of butterfly tears?
‘Dick Fingers’ did make it onto the Coachella lineup though.
And into half of the backup singers too.
Pube Boy has actually had a resurgence thanks to Geoff Johns and the New 52.
With the exception of Batman, the entirety of DC Comics anything can fuck right off.
This sucks. I really thought Carolla was a shoe-in for Colonel Duke Lacross.
Terence Trent D’Arby was only left out due to a scheduling conflict. It turns out The Gap is much more serious about their No Vacation Days Until Two Years of Service policy than they let on in the initial interview process.
I wouldn’t speak so soon on Average Man…there’s been a lot of buzz in the trades about them casting a “new” character named John Everyman. Could be just a bit of misdirection by the production.
martian manhunter should show up along with another female hero. vixen or hawkgirl or HOLY SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT POWERGIRL!!!
Depending on casting, Marv Albert’s Toupee could absolutely show up. I’m thinking Nic Cage as Green Lantern with Marv assisting.
What does it say about me that I have no inkling when that list went from serious to silly?
That you spent your teenage years stuffing nerds into lockers and porking cheerleaders?
The real shock, of course, is that “Vixen” and “Vibe” are actual superheroes, and not sex toy brand names.
No Pube Boy? That’s bush league! [dodges Batarangs, gets yanked off stage by Wonder Woman's Lasso of Truth]
I’m not seeing this without DONKEH TEETH
Terence Trent D’arby’s super powers are kissing like a bandit and stealing time!
Where’s Superman’s dick in that picture? Dude is like Ken.
I think thats a butch up Super Girl because I see camel toe
… And because of you I’ve just noticed that the artist gave Batman the biggest package.
That’s just where he hides his…special Bat Toys.
Every year is a terrible year for Aquaman fans.
I have never cracked a mainstream DC comic in my life, but I feel a strong affinity toward Aquaman simply because he is so perpetually shat on. I was that kid in school who was always like “Guys, we should really ask girl with body odor (or kid with crazy eyes or guy who hit puberty way to hard and early) to join our group. Just look at them all by themselves eating lunch (or staring sadly into the middle distance or masturbating furtively)”
Frank Stallone may be down, but he’s far from over.
The only reason Terence Trent D’Arby isn’t going to be in this is because he changed his name to Sananda Francesco Maitreya. Oh shit. Spoiler alert…
Terence Trent D’Arby’s Vibrator is still an 8/10