“And heah I am wit my new Ben & Jerry’s flavah, ‘Bike Chains and Skulls.’”

According to a breathless story just reported by TMZ, an old photograph of a young Arnold Schwarzenegger “performing a sex act” has been discovered in an abandoned storage locker once owned by Bob Guccione†. Jesus, I hope the first responders went in there with hazmat suits, I bet that whole place reeked of rotting cigarettes, fermented amyl poppers, and Janice Dickinson. I’d be surprised if there wasn’t at least one baby elephant skeleton wearing a ball gag.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been thrust into a very belated sex scandal … because there are reports that an old photo of a “young Arnold” performing a sex act has come to light.

I like that “young Arnold” is the part of that sentence they chose to put quotes around.

The photo is reportedly part of a treasure trove of artifacts that have been discovered in a storage space owned by late Penthouse founder Bob Guccione.
According to the New York Post, the Arnold pic — along with a bunch of other VEERRRY interesting items — were discovered by a guy who went all “Storage Wars” and bought up a bunch of the lockers after Guccione went bankrupt.
Among the treasures … unpublished nude pics of Madonna and Lauren Hutton … and Bob’s personal files detailing the situation surrounding his decision to publish pics of then-Miss America Vanessa Williams.
It’s unclear if the new owner plans to release the Arnold pic.

Oh no! This could change everything! After making a Brazilian reporter fellate a carrot, expressing his love for mulatto ass, telling the world that he felt like he was always cumming, being accused of “groping and humiliating six different women,” and fathering a child out of wedlock with his maid while he was married to American royalty, the last thing Arnold Schwarzenegger needs is evidence that he was sexually promiscuous 30 years ago! It could ruin his reputation!

I kid, of course. No one on Earth is more capable of getting away with absolutely anything than Arnold Schwarzenegger. He could be blowing three dudes in the picture, and, short of them being kids or family members, he could just say “It vas da sevendeez,” and people would go “Yay, Arnold!” and buy him another giant car. Let’s not forget, Arnold posed nude for a gay guy famous for shoving a bullwhip up his ass and we still elected him governor. If I was Arnold, I’d spend every day robbing banks and driving cars off cliffs like Groundhog Day just to see if I was truly invincible.

[banner pic via Imgur]

†“Abandoned storage locker once owned by Bob Guccione” – also a great nickname for your mom’s vag, obvi.