A Maniac in a Fartmobile: Reflections on Arnold, January Movies, and Metallica
Look, I know, it’s January. Reviewing a movie released in January is like trying to write a restaurant review about a package of Skittles. January is the Spanx under which movie studios hide their most embarrassing, flabby attempts at profit. You might as well have to sign a terms and conditions agreement on the way in, promising not to expect much or think about the film beyond something to occasionally grunt at while you hork down a paint bucket of cola. But fine, I like dumb things. Pass me the tack hammer and hit me with your finest catchphrase.
Lionsgate did their best to build buzz around The Last Stand like it was a real movie, hiring culty Korean director Kim Jee-woon (The Good, the Bad, the Weird) and sending Arnold Schwarzenegger on a goodwill tour that included a Reddit AMA and tank rides for Los Angeles film writers at a junket-carnival. But nothing Lionsgate can do will paper over the giant flashing light that says “PAYCHECK! PAYCHECK! PAYCHECK!” once the movie begins. The Last Stand plays like a commercial for a videogame meets a commercial for a car meets a trailer for “Arnold Schwarzenegger: Movie Star.” It’s both too dumb and not dumb enough.
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awww. i like that director too. was it pretty at least. ill take dumb and pretty .
There’s was lots of bullet wounds and sox violence if that counts
Ok, wait. This totally explains everything. I didn’t realize Vince was from/writing for Portlandia. This puts a whole new and completely hilarious context around his opinions of everything (especially his affinity for Wes Anderson and Tarantino). I will now read all his posts in Fred Armisen’s Portlandia character’s voice, and gladly accept the fact that it’s not really his fault that he’s stuck in a time capsule from the 90′s, the decade of hipstery suck.
Tell us all stories from the olden times, pa.
Back in my day, we ate dirt, and we liked it!
I just read this thread as “Someone else! Someone else!”
“I’m someone else!”
“He’s right!”
“Yayyyy!”
This changes everything
Wait… 1890s or 1990s?
Kind of a brief review. I guess it really was a “meh” movie.
I had a word limit, but yeah, not a whole lot to say. Skittles.
Wishing Johnny Knoxville would not appear in movies in his “retarded Eddie Deezen”.
/turn on Kathy comic-strip mode
*ACK*
I apparently cannot type full sentences today – so yeah. Bad comments are bad.
I meant to say that I wish Johnny Knoxville would stop appearing in movies in his “retarded Eddie Deezen” persona.
I thought the headline read that The Last Stand was the “Arnold Stang” of Schwarzenegger movies, and I was all like, wasn’t that Hercules in New York?
Hey I liked that St. Anger song when I was in high school!… *gets thrown out of window*
Dude, so did I. Fuck, I probably would’ve liked Loutallica had it come out when I was in HS.
From what I’ve seen in the trailers this is probably more akin to St. Anky’s than St. Anger.
“If I could have my wasted days back,
Would I use them to get back on track?”
apparently ahnold and hetfield both said “No”
“some kind of monster” was an awesome movie
I didn’t expect much in the way of deepness and thinking and I could ignore the plot holes and that’s ok because violence. It seemed from the trailer for other movies this year it might be the year of the plotless dumb actioner
I dunno. This doesn’t look very St. Anger-ish. St. Anger wasn’t a schlocky return to days past with all kinds of hackneyed, overused stunts and sight gags and references to Ahnold better days long past. St. Anger was more like Seven Psychopaths. It tried really, really hard to be something different, and extreme in it’s subtextual referencing, but in the end it was just simply tedious and mediocre and I fell asleep halfway through it.
This movie feels more like Death Magnetic. There’s little elements in there that harken back to the good old days, but overall it’s just cheesily done and poorly produced. (shame on you Rick Rubin, that thing sounded like crap because it was compression brickwalled so back it was all peaks.) This is Ahnold’s Bad Boys II. Completely unnecessary.
*so bad, no “so back”.
Touché, I’ll defer to your superior grasp of Metallica’s oeuvre. The writing process of this movie definitely felt like the writing process of St. Anger though. Quick! Rehash a bunch of old shit! Okay, that bit sounds decent!
Now I know Im hung over, I just completely agreed with Underball.
Can I ask for an opinion this way? Does Arnold get to dominate shitbags with automatic weapons and one liners? If the answer to this is even closely, “Yes.” or “Yes, but…”, I cannot absolutely dislike this movie.
Please tell me there is a “Aaagghhhghh!!! Git too Dah Choppaaaahhh!” moment in this.
(sigh) yet another movie that most decent/respectable critics atleast enjoy and Vince hates for nothing
Not sure how you get this. On RT Top Critics it’s running at 44%, and even the “good” reviews basically agree with Vince, except they say it’s ok because they didn’t expect any better, which is also basically what Vince said at the start.
And more importantly, Vince laid out some good reasons for not liking the movie.
So let me get this straight, you read a whole review of mine for a movie you haven’t seen and you’re disagreeing based on things you’ve heard other critics say? Thanks for your input, this was very constructive.
I hope your next movie review at the Portland Mercury says:
[Read the rest at FilmDrunk]
I’d admire the fact that you’re getting paid multiple times for doing one job.
Yeah, man, I’m gonna be able to afford a 10-piece thanks to this scam.
A 10-piece what? McNugget? I didn’t even know they made that denomination. It it pretty steep?
Yeah, dude, they only sell them in the VIP section.
10 piece suit, each part is segmented for easier tearing away in case of impromptu basketball games, stripper shows, or the temperature inexplicably rises
Are you saying Jamie Alexander can’t be a cop BECAUSE SHE’S A GIRL? What do you have against girl cops, MAN-cini
I’m going to wait to see this. I’d rather spend my time listening to arnold DVD commentaries, so his Last Stand commentary is what im waiting for. Loved the good the bad and the weird
The Good, the Bad, and the Weird was awesome. Loved it. See that instead. Its on Netflix.
At least it wasn’t Arnold’s LuLu. By the way, they recombined the Metal & Hard Rock categories at last year’s Grammy Awards. I look forward to Lars explaining how Foo Fighters (Jethro Foo) aren’t a metal band for the next 25 years.