Our friends at EverythingIsTerrible always dig up the best stuff (in fact, it was they who first introduced me to the Arnold in Rio video referenced in the previous post, something for which I can never repay them), and this latest video is no different. Nowadays, Kirk Cameron is known the world over as a Subway sandwich-loving evolution denier who can prove the existence of God using nothing but a banana and a tasteful sweater. But back when this video, “Sex, Lies, & the Truth,” produced by James Dobson’s Focus on the Family was made, he was just a fresh-faced young abstinence promoter, traveling the world in hip Birkenstocks and sinfully short shorts, trying to reach America’s at-risk youth. YOUR ATHLETIC THIGHS ARE LEADING ME UNTO TEMPTATION, KIRK CAMERON! Oh well, even Christian soldiers are allowed the occasional youthful indiscretion.
Let’s take a look at the video, which is fantastic.
I can’t help but break down a few of my favorite moments:
The intro sequence. It’s a literal CARNIVAL OF SIN! Which, in case you’re wondering, basically looks like the opening scene from Lost Boys, only with more closeups and less Greasy Sax Man. SCARY CLOWNS! PROMISCUOUS ROLLER COASTERS! BREAKING GLASS TRANSITION! This has everything but those cigar-smoking donkeys from Pinocchio.
1:50 – Super creepy close-up on the 10-year-old clearly uncomfortable with his friend talking about sex. UNITE CHRISTIANS! WE ARE ALL THIS AWKWARD 10-YEAR-OLD! AWKWARD 10-YEAR-OLDS FOR LIFE AND PROUD OF IT!
2:10 – The black girl’s baby daddy is in prison, because of course he is. It’s not racist because she’s well spoken! Hey, at least they’re not fighting over Monopoly. We’ve come so far.
2:17 – Mexican John Lennon is only eenterested een jour body, ése! I believe this guy heavily influenced Stephenie Meyer when she was creating the ethnic temptation werewolves in her famous abstinence parable, Twilight.
Imaheen todos los peeeepole, leebeen por to-day…
2:41 – AIDS? Mexeecans don’t care about no steenkeen AIDS, ése! Go Raiders! (Wait, is that an Eagles hat? Fire that PA).
3:08 – Finally, some straight talk about AIDS from some nice white kids, Hippie Parker Lewis and Shannon Doherty.
Synchronize Swatches!
3:11 How to keep kids away from sex? I know! Make them think of this lady’s vagina!
“Vagina, vagina, abortion, yeast infections, my colostomy bag…”
3:25 – AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
TRIM THOSE SIDEBURNS, HIPPIE!
AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Do you think “Manners” is his actual family name or a stage name? Like, maybe he took up a new persona to help him promote abstinence better? “And now, here’s Charlie Niceguy to speak to you all about condom failure…”
3:25 – Aw, not you too, Darius McCrary.
Wow. I’m glad I can laugh about this now. Growing up in a small town in the nineties, I can tell you that these constant scare videos did actually work. If by “work” you mean make sex taboo and scare people into not looking into condoms or birth control so that half the kids ended up pregnant after their first awkward sexual experiences when they were 17. I’m telling you, small-town teenagers have super sperm. Anyway, if I seem bitter, it’s because I blame crap like this for keeping me from getting laid in high school. Well, crap like this and my late puberty, face, hair, voice, and personality.
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I feel cheated. Greasy Sax Man was mentioned and not shown.
Chelsea Noble should have been a star.
I went to the same college as Chelsea Noble, though years later, and dated a girl from her sorority for awhile, so lets just go ahead and pretend that I’ve probably had sex in a room where Chelsea Noble had sex
She is also 6 years older than Kirk so something wasn’t right.
She also has six kids. Seriously, that’s gross.
Even a 747 looks small flying thru the grand canyon – HHH
Everyone looks soooo punchable. If anyone ever invents time travel I’m going to use it just to relieve stress via the human punching bags from the 1980′s.
Family Matters premiered in 1989. If I had to guess, I’d peg this video circa 1991.
Damn. You just deflated my false memories of the 90s being cool and the 80s being horrible.
Well, to be fair, the early 90s was basically an extension of the 80s. The 90s didn’t really begin until Nirvana.
Yeah, but they ended with rap metal, so there’s actually very little fertile ground to work with in that decade. I think people who get misty about the 90′s pretty much only focus on grunge, Jolt, and Goldeneye.
Good point. My memories are a bit clouded from living in Seattle and sort of being in to the grunge thing starting around 1987/1988. And I’m trying really hard to say this without coming off as the classic hipster “I did xx before anyone else new about it”. Because I was definitely late to the party locally.
@Stallone, you pretty much got it. I’ll say this though, 90s country music was fucking awesome.
@SW I grant you Goldeneye and Nirvana, but what about Tarantino, Fincher, the Wu-tang (super sperm immediately brought back ODB in my memory), Radiohead, – and for me, well Noir Désir and IAM but I’m an dirty pompous Frenchie – the nineties didn’t quite suck as much as we can remember.
Everyone knows the period between 1994 and 1997 was the high-water mark of awesome music.
WHO SUCKED OUUUUUUUUUUUT THE FEEEEEE-LAAAAAAAAAAAN. WHO SUCKED OUUUUUUUUUUUUT THE FEEEEE-LAAAAAAAAN….
Warped Tour was awesome in the 90′s
Yes, rap was pretty much at its apex in the 90′s, not that I realized it until a decade later because fucking Dave Mathews and Phish ruled my high school.
@Sep I still have a soft spot for 90s punk, but a LOT of it has not aged well. Also, ska.
On a side note, I heard Lightning Crashes on the radio yesterday and I’ve decided it might be the most unintentionally hilarious song ever written. It’s like a god damn Meat Loaf ballad.
Superdrag FTW. I saw them open for Nada Surf because I was popular damn it!
Oh God, Live had the worst lyrics of all time. But I saw Superdrag open for Weezer on their Pinkerton tour in ’96. Best.
Kirk Cameron wearing Birkenstock sandals and short-shorts is the epitome of 1990′s queef-ness
My cousin that I spent every summer vacation with around that period looked EXACTLY like that. I still remember when I accidentally dropped his buddy’s new birkenstocks off the dock and he got super pissed at me.
I remember wet Birkenstocks smelling like ass
I went to a private high school and man we watched a shit load of these videos. My favorite one was on the evils of rock and roll, in that one they would scramble an egg in front of some speakers blaring judas priest. Of course we also got to see the Power Team once every year so it was well worth it.
Yeah i went to Catholic school and we had this guy who looked and sounded like Tony Robbins come in and show us a slide show of real life STD’s. It was a chlamydiamazing.
Juan Lennon is awesome though.
All joo need ees luff, ese. Luff ees all joo need.
But where are Pablo, Ramon, and Jorge? Not to mention Yasmine (Mexican Beatles Pablo has an annoying mixed-race wife)
Cameron’s cross-legged crotch crevasse is the single most effective abstinence tool yet created.
When is blow-dry hair styles for men making a comeback?
Guh. Me grammar bad.
The good news is that it’s perfectly okay to let your Boner hang in the park.
Wait, is James Dobson right – if you have unprotected sex even one time, you will get pregnant?! I’ll be right back, there’s an infertility doctor who has a beating coming…
3:08 – Finally, some straight talk about AIDS from some nice white kids, Hippie Parker Lewis and Shannon Doherty.
Stinky Pete c.1992 would have had such a crush on that girl in the pink.
A.C. GREEN, ladies and gentlemen, aka the Michael Jordan of virginity.
I like the idea of an AIDS suicide pact. In fact that should be a band name.
Being the son of a religious zealot meant I grew up with this stuff. I swear I’ve seen this video before, my pops had a platonic Jesus-boner for “Dr.” James Dobson. The anti-abortion propaganda from back then is just as embarrassing but included actual footage from late term abortions. Nothing says, “keep it zipped sinner” like hacked up baby parts and bloody oozing birth gunk.
Too bad Darius never lent this video to Jaimee Foxworth, could’ve saved her a literal butt load of regret.
Question: if James Dobson’s giant glasses turn me on, is it ok to act on those feelings?
If that vid is from 1991 then it didn’t take Shannen Doherty long to pretty much reverse herself with this Playboy cover and photo shoot from December 2003 [dontlinkthis.net]
It’s not actually Shannen Doherty, I was making a joke about that chick’s hair and outfit.
So it actually is Not Shannen Doherty then? My boner needs to know.
2:19 – Garth Algar cameo.
Hippie Parker Lewis Can’t Lose his virginity…
Didn’t Darius McCrary go on to date Karrine “Supahead” Steffans?
Urrrgg, my penis is pissed off at Kirk Cameron right now.
/Just another Tuesday
I wasn’t sold until I saw they got USC Track Star Eric White to participate. Easily one of my all-time favorite USC Track Stars of the 90′s.
He’s no Ron Allice.
Birkenstocks. Definitely early 90′s.
That kid with Jesus Watches over me at Night Shyamalan is pretty rad. I would have totally been friends with him in the third grade. He’s got a lot of good points on sex for someone who grew up with only spank mags.
I feel like I can say this without it sounding racist….
But that video had WAY too many Asians.
The Mighty Feklahr feels a little insulted that Wilt Chamberlain lectured Him about being a ‘born again virgin’. All they needed was to have Kobe Bryant chip in about being a Born Again Rapist/Adulterer!
…
Huh? That wasn’t Wilt Chamberlain? Guy’cha, it is hard to tell them apart whilst peering through these eyeholes in the pillowcase.
I clicked on this with great feelings of anxiety. Yep, fears confirmed, I definitely watched this in church. In a sunday school class where my mom was the teacher. You’re damn right we’re all that awkward 10 year old!
That first kid that they talk to most definitely died of AIDS.
You have no idea how many times I’ve had to use “You know why I keep my pants on? Cuz it’s a JOKE” to get out of possible jail time