“And the audience is supposed to believe a pro soccer player would settle down with one woman.”

Opening Everywhere: Playing for Keeps, Hyde Park on Hudson

Maybe Opening Somewhere: Deadfall

FilmDrunk Suggests: Of the eight films opening this weekend – and I say opening as in they’re available this weekend, because some of these will never see the dark of a theater – one has a positive Rotten Tomatoes score. That film is The Fitzgerald Family Christmas, which was written and directed by my cousin Edward Burns, and I have never heard of that, nor do I expect to see that posted outside my movie theater. So as I spend even more of my precious hours watching the f*cking worst films I’ve ever seen for your entertainment, I need you all to will Cincinnati Bengals receiver AJ Green to good health. Positive energy, folks. That’s what will win me money. Thanks.

Playing for Keeps

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 0% critics, 79% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“The only thing Playing for Keeps teaches us is: Guys, forget the bars and nightclubs. Soccer moms are where the action is.” – Rene Rodriguez, Miami.com

“Playing for Keeps takes place in a tonally incoherent universe, constantly shifting between rom-com farce and mawkish family drama.” – Darren Franich, Entertainment Weekly

Armchair Analysis: This movie is currently playing the Bucky Larson 0% game until some troll critic comes along and raves about it, but it just looks terrible. That said, I’ll be watching this at some point next week as I close out my Worst Movies list. If Gerard Butler is a toothpaste tube, we’ve rolled all of the paste out of him that we can get. Time to discard.

“I’d stand up, but I am pooping.”

Hyde Park on Hudson

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 42% critics, 46% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Though he has competition, especially from the folks playing the visiting royals, Murray is very much the reason to see ‘Hyde Park.’” – Kenneth Turan, L.A. Times

“I wish I could say that Bill Murray’s performance as FDR was so wonderful it transcended the material, but the truth is that Murray’s character never fully emerges from the fog.” – Dana Stevens, Slate

Armchair Analysis: Meh. Obviously, I’m a blogger and hipster so I am required by law to love Bill Murray, and I honestly do. But this just looks sooooooooo boooooooooring. It needs Slimer. And speaking of Ghostbusters 3, can we get some Hi-C Ecto Cooler? That would be awesome.

Deadfall

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 34% critics, 40% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“This is the sort of movie best encountered accidentally and for free, caught on basic cable late at night.” – Stephen Whitty, Newark Star-ledger

“There’s nothing you haven’t seen before – and better – in ‘Deadfall,’ which would seem to appeal mostly to fans of snowmobile chases.” – Lou Lumenick, NY Post

Armchair Analysis: It’s funny, as much as I’ve loved Sons of Anarchy for most of its run, I’ve really grown tired of the Jax Teller character and that’s wearing on my acceptance of Charlie Hunnam. So if this movie was even actually available in a theater, I’d probably be like, “Ugh, this is the worst” just because of Jax. I’m a douchebag like that.