You’re not in Connecticut anymore, kemosabro

The newest trailer for Jerry Bruckheimer’s $250 million-plus Lone Ranger movie is now online (embedded below), and while the first trailer focused almost solely on Johnny Depp’s bird-hat Tonto, the new one gives us much more of Lone Ranger Armie Hammer, the only actor WASPy enough to make Johnny Depp look ethnic by comparison. He wakes up on a giant platform atop a mountain in the desert, because Indians had lots of time for cinematic crap like that, and there he meets Tonto, who knows the Lone Ranger will be a great warrior because the Lone Ranger’s horse told him so. Two key points to remember in this one: Tonto can talk to horses, and Silver is a psychic horse. Tonto and LR decide to “ride for justice” and Armie puts on a mask, and Helena Bonham Carter shows up and she doesn’t even have her obnoxious rat’s nest hair for once, and then there’s some shooting and trailer music. But riddle me this, kemoslobber, why can’t Johnny Depp decide whether to use definite articles? Either say “the” or don’t, man, no one wants to see half a stereotype.

I think it would’ve been cool if Tonto said, “There come a time, when good man must wear mask,” and then it cut back to the Lone Ranger unzipping the mouth on his gimp mask holding a big double-sided dildo staff. “Cool, so we doing this, or what?”

I bet people said “let’s do this” all the time back in the old west. I would’ve liked to see Tonto give The Lone Ranger a big bro handshake while they vow to live life two furlongs at a time.

A horse that wears hats? Okay, I’m listening.