This Week in Posters was postponed last week, but now it's here! I suppose it's kind of a "last week in posters" now, but better late than never, right? Don't answer that.
First up, Michael Bay's Pain and Gain. Okay, this is a pretty fantastic poster. Not that I imagine it's very difficult to communicate a Michael Bay plot in a single image, but this one pretty much nails it. A couple a dudes, just gettin' pumped and shredded in front of old glory. It brings a tear to my eye. Still, asking Mark Wahlberg to play a bodybuilder and then casting a guy opposite him who's six foot five is borderline cruel. Regardless, I'm excited to see The Rock and Marky Mark get the same borderline-porny Michael Bay treatment as the Transformers girls. I'm envisioning a nice peekaboo shot up Wahlberg's weightlifting shorts like the Megan Fox car scene while he's doing so wicked tricep extensions. "Hey, Dawnny! You seen my chawklit flavahed mass gainah?" (*swooping crane shot of washboard abs*)
Okay, remember that thing I said about knowing exactly what kind of movie that last poster was advertising? That's... not always a good thing, turns out. Jason Mewes still rules though.
"The most original horror film of the year! So original, we put this quote right on a Buffy-looking chick's vagina!" -Bob's Poster Design Emporium
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Here's the Italian poster for Bullet to the Head, starring Stallone as "Jimmy Bobo," apparently. It opens February 1st here in the US of A, and the poster sort of looks like the print for an Affliction t-shirt. That's... probably fitting. I like to think they drew it with a Montegrappa pen.
Wait, Werner Herzog made a documentary about Siberia? Here, just take my money now. I'll make the check out to "future boners." I'm buying no matter what, but I still think they could've sold this a little better on the poster. What's wrong with using this picture?
Werner Herzog is the star of all of Werner Herzog's documentaries, there's no need to pretend otherwise.
"Haff you evah heepnotized a cheekn?
Oh great, as if I wasn't already confused enough about why they felt the need to specify that the haunting I'd be witnessing was in Connecticut. Now it's a second haunting in Connecticut, but this time the ghosts are from Georgia? So... will they stay at a nice B and B? A timeshare built on an ancient Indian burial ground? Please, tell me more about ghost tourism.
Is Bill Murray playing FDR or a chipmunk? And why is she standing behind him like that? It looks like she's putting something in his butt. That's a mean joke to play, the man has polio. He may not notice it for weeks.
This movie tells of the true victims of the tsunami, the white people.
I'm sort of intrigued but I don't know why. Is this about... a guy... who knife fights someone... inside a giant statue?
FYI:
A modern day fairy tale in which the long-standing peace between men and giants is threatened, as a young farmer leads an expedition into the giants' kingdom in hopes of rescuing a kidnapped princess. [IMDB]
Oh, is his name Jack Reacher? I hadn't heard. Look, I'm pretty sure we're all clear on the name by now. I'm already tired of the damned name and the movie hasn't even come out yet. Hollywood seems to think that as long as they have a cookie-cutter hero with a name you can remember, that we'll just line up to throw money at them. OH MY GOSH, BRENDAN FRASER IS SPECIAL AGENT BROCCOLI CARBUNCLE?! PLEASE, TAKE MY TEN DOLLARS!
Molly has a family, you guys. I bet they're quirky and unique.
See, if you're going to do a diagonal - which seems to be the dominant poster trend - at least make it make sense. Here, it adds scale. Usually, they just take a picture of someone and tilt it sideways. That's stupid.
If you can't read Asian, this one's for Oz The Great and Powerful. Thank God for Photoshop, it saves us the trouble of making James Franco actually pose for pictures in a top hat. You want a top hat on him? Just stick a top hat on him in Photoshop! Heck, stick anything on him - newsie, propeller beanie, hell, we've got carte blanche. I wonder if there are any legal limitations to this. Like, if you have James Franco in your movie, could you just Photoshop a big foam cowboy hat that says "Sphincter Boy" on his head, or does he retain some say in the matter? It's a slippery slope, my friends. A slippery slope indeed.
I'm willing to admit Pacific Rim looks a little silly, but on the other hand, DUDE, GIANT ROBOTS FIGHT GODZILLA!
See? Didn't I tell you it was about giant robots fighting Godzilla? I'm so there. Also, I sincerely hope there's one really immature guy in the Robot Jox core who insists on making his 100-story robot do a wanking motion. I know that's the first thing I'd do.
Well at least they didn't airbrush Jennifer Lopez too much.
I can't read Italian, but I'm assuming that says "White People Smiling At Things."
I've heard good things about Robot and Frank, but I still haven't gotten around to seeing it. All the advertisements for it seem to be asking, "Hey, there. How'd you like to have a good cry?"
What's the worst way to get better? Anal? C'mon, stop playing coy.
I admit, I'm usually the first to criticize a poster using floating heads or cheesy actor pictures instead of choosing a clear concept like this, but come on, if Hollywood has taught us anything this year, it's that if you've got C-Tates, you SELL THE C-TATES. Channing Tatum is box office TNT, son.
This was called The Tall Man and it hit VOD in August. Remember that? Yeah, me neither. If your movie is going to look like a Lifetime original, it better have copious amounts of cleavage. See: The Client List.
Here's another still from The Great Gatsby (trailer), which at the very least will be... shiny. I can't believe they made a movie about WASPs and neither Brad Cooper nor Armie Hammer is in it. They should sue.
Get it? "Dead Sexy," because it's a love story, about zombies. He's dead. And sexy.
There's going to be a whole movie of this? It feels like a half-baked meme.
Do you get it? I totally get it. Because I know things about zombies, and what they like to eat. High five for all of us.
Yep, should've quit while you were ahead.
And now she's a little dead inside too! Get it? Grrr, mash-ups! Post-modernism!
Frank Miller isn't directing Wolverine 2, but what this poster presupposes is, what if he was?
Umm... no thanks. Respectfully.
I like this. It's sad that a horror movie that isn't about a haunted house, possession, or a creepy kid can be so exciting, even when it looks like it's about a killer clown. The bar is that low.
[posters via IMPA]
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/if-i-showed-you-all-the-money-shots-in-pacific-rim-youd-have-a-70-minute-orgasm-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Joey-Box-Jack-Reacher-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Revenge-for-Jolly-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/04/Marky-Mark-dwarves-pain-and-gain-150x150.jpg)
I read somewhere that to cut weight for this roll, and really get shredded, Marky Mark slept in a ziplock sandwich bag.
Pain & Gain is just the gritty adaptation of Hanz & Franz.
Ha. Here’s what the poster would look like.
[img62.imageshack.us]
I like that the Zom-Com™ had like 6 posters. Saved me a ton of time by skipping over the last five.
Also, yes I just f’n trademarked Zom-Com.
Edgar Wright got there first.
It looks more like a Rom-Zom-Com or a Rom-Zom. “Shaun of the Dead” is a Zom-Com.
Oblivion must take place millions of years into the future for mountains to actually start to form. Doesnt that require ice and stuff, no geologist.
I bet Wahlberg was so mad at Colin Kaepernick last night that he would’ve stood up and punched Kaepernick in the knee if he been in the same room with him.
There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin.
Jack Reacher? You’d think that they’d have learned their lesson from John Carter.
I dunno, Jack Reacher of Los Angeles wouldn’t have the ring of John Carter of Mars.
Putting the title of the movie by Cruise’s dick really adds some zing.
John Carter: Warlord of Mars vs. Jack Reacher: Shooter of Faces.
“American Mary”, huh? So why did they cast…a Canadian?!?
Irony?
Or perhaps the filmmakers are the kind of people who say “Canada, the USA, and Mexico are all in North America so they can all be called ‘Americans!’ ”
(theoretically that also applies to every country in Central America and South America, which is why people who say that are annoying)
Or perhaps the filmmakers are the kind of people who say “Canada, the USA, and Mexico are all in North America so they can all be called ‘Americans!’ ”
(theoretically that also applies to every country in Central America and South America, which is why people who say that are annoying)
As per NAFTA it’s all the same shit now.
Are The National going to do the soundtrack?
plot twist: yelling to the sky is actually a mumblecore film
I only got through 7 of these before declaring this the worst Week in Posters. The Original eminem looks terrible with huge arms.
Wow, and then I clicked through to number 10.
I saw that trailer with the Hobbit last weekend. Holy shit it looks terrible. Holy shit. It’s like they saw that Snow White and the Huntsman made money, and thought, “Well, Humpty Dumpty is too stupid – how about The Brave Little Tailor?”
Do you think Marky Mark demanded that the Rock had to sit for that poster? He can’t look taller than me! I’m a BIG BRIGHT SHINING STAR!
‘this week in posters’ is my favorite. nothing witty to add, just keep on keepin on.
The Tall Man is awesome!
The Jason Statham poster is the least inspiring thing I’ve seen all day. And that includes this mornings shower.
Tom Cruise is in three new movies!
*scans IMDB of “American Mary”*
Two new movies!
The most egregious part of that Oz poster is shoving Mila Kunis down to the corner and placing The Girl Who Cried At Farts front and center; doesn’t matter how many nonsensical lens flares you put on her tits.
Unrelated, but speaking of The Girl Who Cried At Farts. For a full year in 2011 I thought Carry Mulligan and Michelle Williams were the same person.
Jesus, the title Molly’s Theory of Relativity is more twee than argyle porn.
What do you have against argyle?! LEAVE ARGYLE OUT OF THIS.
I dunno’, I’d like a little Molly in me.
Unless Molly is the small one. Pegging reference retracted.
What if this is about a family of cannibals who eat a girl named Molly, but it’s a big family so they each only get a bite-size chunk of her and that explains why “there’s a little bit of Molly in everyone?”
What #28 really presupposes is that an immortal with indestructible blade claws where his knuckles should be also has use for a fucking samurai sword.
He’s under cover, okay? Cutting people up with indestructible claws is suspicious; cutting people up with a katana is perfectly normal and won’t attract attention at all.
Except didn’t this site have an article on here several months back about some fat guy attacking his girlfriend with a katana? Soooo much attention!
*pointing frantically around the gym*
SPAWT YOU! SPAWT YOU! SPAWT YOU!
I just choked on my Greek yogurt.
That’s not a euphemism, by the way.
That was fantastic.
Fan-f’ing-tastic!
Oi instead of de ole transpowtin, oi’ll be doin the pahkin dis time round Tawmmy.
kudos……..
“I’m just sayin’, Rawk, if I’d have been at WrestleMania XV – it wouldn’t've went dahwn like that. They’ahd have been alawtta blood in that annowncahs bawx!”
more kudos……. i really hate that midget….. how did he escape from the shire?
how did he change his name from baggins?
Tom Cruise running in that poster looks EXACTLY like every unrealistic running pose in modern comic books.
The last one reminds me too much of “Magic”, the movie about the guy with the ventriloquist dummy. That ad creeped me out enough as a kid that I’ve never seen it. Didn’t help that I had a dummy given to me for Christmas the year before.
Poor Gabourey Sidibe. You’d be Yelling to the Sky too if those damned biplanes kept trying to drive you from the top of the Empire State Building.
“Ok, you guys ready? It’s called Jack the Giant Slaver! Jack teams up with his autistic best friend named Meepers and enslaves giants!” – Joe King
In the second Pac Rim poster (16), that giant robot has the same posture as me when I get too drunk and have passed the “If someone would Jack Kevorkian me right now, my spirit would be forever grateful.”
So is #17 a Thunderbirds reboot?
I’ll never see that noobz movie, but I imagine Mewes kills that shit.
Based on the poster, it should be called Boobz, amirite? *high-fives self*
I dont get it vince, you spend every week complaining about matching faces with names and now you say that pain and gain has a great poster?
I thought Morton Salt usually did this, but there’s no byline. NO BYLINE!
Morton does DVDs, I do This Week in Posters. I actually didn’t even notice the mismatched names on this one. Must’ve been blinded by The Rock’s shiny muscles.
anyone else want more wolverine? i wanted more of that than i did of the crap that is warm bodies……. one is ENOUGH…….. its not even a classy farce like Shaun of the Dead!
Why does You are not Alone look like freaking Quentin Tarantino…… in a mask????
If that Stath movie isn’t a collection of scenes of him tokyo drift style parallel parking then hopping out to beat up 10 henchmen I will be very disappointed.