Along with not being able to keep track of space and time and his unique physiological response to arousal, another one of Steven Seagal’s quirks is not understanding “jokes” or “context.” So when Randy Couture jokingly said he’d come out of retirement to fight Seagal, Seagal issued a totally-not-joking response to Ariel Helwani that boiled down to “any time, any place.” Though he also added the conveniently prohibitive stipulations “no rules, no witnesses.”

So what does a 49-year-old former UFC champion think of a no-rules death-match challenge from a 60-year-old fondue enthusiast? CagePotato called him up to find out (emphasis mine):

“I’m the one that started the joke as an off-handed comment I made to Jay Glazer — that I’d only come out of retirement if it were to fight Seagal. Obviously now somebody has talked to him about it and it has gotten some legs,” Couture chuckled to us over the phone today.
“I’m not surprised that he wants to do it in private, remote location where nobody could see it happen. Obviously I intended it as a joke. I don’t think it would really happen.”
Couture is clearly bemused by the actor’s ominous-sounding statements. Asked if he was intimidated by Seagal’s claim that the fight would be truly no holds barred, Couture neatly replied, “I don’t think that changes the nature of the fight at all.”
So it’s safe to say that Couture is not going to take Seagal up on his battle-to-the-death challenge, then, right? “Hey, it could happen organically I suppose,” Couture ended, simply. [CP]

Randy Couture clearly doesn’t think much of Seagal’s supposedly deadly and illegal techniques, but that’s only because all Couture’s fights have been in a cage with pre-agreed-upon rules, not the kind of waffle house yakuza brawls that shaped Seagal’s style. Couture might sing a different tune if he were ever subjected to one of Steven Seagal’s brutal nipple locks. Do you know how many powerful men Seagal has brought low by controlling them at their weakest point? It’s a key tenet of Seagal’s martial arts teaching, “it is through the nipples that weakness leaves the body.” Some say he even derives magical powers from a necklace made from his enemies’ nipples that he always wears against his skin.

Couture forgets, Master Seagal has already defeated him once using powerful nipple magic.