Tom Hooper’s 160-minute adaptation of Les Misérables, aka the Olympics of Piss-Holding, is a “sung-through” musical, meaning there’s no spoken dialog, only singing. In keeping with the style of the film, I decided to format my review to the tune of “All Star,” by San Jose’s finest sun-pop four piece, Smash Mouth. Enjoy.

(*clears throat, tunes guitar*) (*feedback noise*)

Sooome BODY once TOLD me, the SOOONGS were gonna BORE me, I AIN’T a cultured DUDE just a GUUUUUEST…
Anne was LOOKin kinda GLUM with her HAAAAIR up in a BUN, and some DIRT on her FACE, yeah she’s POOR, now… (*DJ scratching*)

Well, the songs start comin’ and they don’t stop comin, BLADDER ’bout to burst gonna piss my pants HONEY
Diggin’ that plot about RE-DEMPT-TION, their WIGS get gross and your HEART gets CHuUUuBBED..

So much to SEE, still have to PEE, but ValJEAN’s about to sing a soLILoquoy
He NEVER knew how much he’d GROW
From a NICE priest bein’ a BRO

HEY now, you’re a convict, get your ‘scape on, get SAAAAVED
HEY now, Hugh’s a mayor now, life’s unfair now, adopt, BAAAABES
Eight-teen years LATER we’re TOO-ooold,
All this time PASSIN, yet Hugh don’t look OOOO-oooo-OOOOOLD…

It’s a FRENCH place, and the government’s over
Students pissed now wait till they find COVER
But the freckle-y man sings a-JIGGLE
His love life is DUMB, quivery songs make me GIGGLE

He likes some CHICK, some chick likes HIM
The country’s gettin WAR, so you FIGHT on a WHIM
Seyfried’s on FIRE, could her voice go HIGHER
I can’t believe I LIKE her she’s a butterfly CHOIR

HEY now, you’re a French dude, kill some French dudes, sing, GAAAAY
HEY now, Valjean’s there now, life’s unfair now, get, SLAAAAAIN
And ALL those PEOP-LE are DEEEE-heeeeee-yeeeeead, Jackman in the SEW-er, saved Eddie Red…

The POOPY GUY clean, now he’s MAAAARYIN’ Sey-fried
I hope they HITCH quick so that I can go PEEEEE-heee
It’s not done YET, there’s still some songs LEFT
The Borat DUDE will do a little more THEFT and we will ALLLL, tell our BLADDers to WAAAAAAAAIT…

WELL, the songs start COMING and they don’t STOP COMIN, JACKman acts GOOD, but his voice is KINDA FUNNY
Candlestick bag don’t for-GET old you, do unto all your BROS like that PRIEST done youuuuu
No more to SEE, still have to PEE, Hathaway’s ghost makin’ DEATH look all BILLOWY
They’ll never win if she don’t SING
Another song now that’s ACT-ING

HEY now, you’re awards bait, win awards great, get PAAAID
HEY now, seen this play now, gonna pee now, feels, GREEEAAT
And Os-car statues are goooold, all these famous stars, prestige ExTOOOOOoooooOOOOLLLED

(*outro, more DJ scratching*)

THANK YOU, BAKERSFIELD, GOOD NIGHT!

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Vince Mancini thinks pine cones make great stocking stuffers. Fan FilmDrunk on Facebook. Follow Vince on Twitter. Subscribe to the podcast.