A police sketch of the assailant

I scoured the internet and manhandled my sources, searching for the most important story of the day, and one rose to the top above all others: a mail carrier named “Reeves” was attacked by a lemur named “Keanu.” (*picks up phone, dials Oliver Stone*)

HOUSTON COUNTY, TX (KTRE) – A Grapeland woman is recovering from an injury she received from the teeth of a lemur while she was delivering mail on her rural route Tuesday.

Marla Reeves said she was delivering mail in the mailbox at 4:38 p.m. on County Road 2345 when the lemur jumped into her vehicle, bit her hand and arm and then jumped out.

“I was fixing to pull away and when I looked back to pull away that’s when I felt the pain in my hand,” Reeves said. “I looked at my hand and the lemur was on my hand and I lifted up my arm like this and blood was running down my arm.”

“I seent the blood, an I was fixin’ to take my shirt back to the manufacturer, but then I reckons was probably the dad gum lemur that just done bit me.”

The lemur belonged to a resident in the area, who managed to chase it into her shed, according to Sheriff Darrell Bobbitt. Bobbitt said the lemur is in quarantine for 30 days to be sure it does not have rabies. He said there is a request in to the county attorney’s office to determine if anymore legal action can be taken.

You name your kid “Darrell Bobbitt,” it pretty much guarantees he’s going to grow up to become a small-town Sheriff who specializes in chasing animals into sheds.

Ring-tailed lemurs are native to Madagascar.
Reeves said this is her second encounter with the lemur. The first happened a few weeks ago, when she was delivering mail and saw it race across a fence. She said she rolled her window up and the lemur jumped on her car.
The owner came over to talk to her and so Reeves said she rolled down her window and the lemur stuck its paw in the car and started pulling on her hair.
She said at that time, her and the owner had a good laugh about the encounter. [KTRE]

“Haha, don’t mind my lemur, he’s just pokin atcha ’cause he thinks yer food!”

The best part of this story? It spawned a follow-up story, headlined “Houston Co. woman defends lemur.”

HOUSTON COUNTY, TX (KTRE) – Tears streamed down Tammie Baughman’s face as she recalled the evening when her pet lemur, Keanu, bit a local mail carrier. It was a moment that broke her heart.

I am dying. I am literally dead right now.

Baughman says she forgot to lock the door to Keanu’s bedroom and when she looked away he ran towards Marla Reeves car, jumped in, and bit her.
“I told her, ‘Please run down the window so I can see it,’” Baughman said. “I was afraid that she had a vein cut. I wanted to see it, so I could see if it was a vein that needed pressure.”
Minutes later, Baughman and her 26-year-old daughter, Becca, were faced with the reality that Keanu was being taken away by deputies.
“Oh I was heartbroken, devastated,” Baughman said. “It’s like someone taking away your child, but worse because you can tell your child because he may understand some of it. Keanu, I knew wouldn’t understand any of it.”

Oh great, now I’m crying because of a f*cking lemur. I hate you, local news.

Baughman says she is trying to convince the sheriff to transfer him to a wild refuge nearby.
Keanu is being held in a four-by-four, two-foot high cage. A living situation Tammie does not agree with.
“I cannot touch him,” Baughman said. “I can’t hold him. I can’t take him out of the pen. I have to be supervised with his visit.”
Baughman says she understands Keanu has wild instincts but doesn’t think of him as a primate. He’s a family member.
“As much as I love him I do know and accept that he is an animal,” Baughman said. [KTRE]

If someone starts a “Save Tammie’s Lemur” fund, I would donate my entire wallet. I know why the caged lemur shrieks, yo. He’s lonely and misses his fambly.

“This just in, a lemur named Keanu attacked a mail carrier named Reeves, and now Tammie is sad because Sheriff Darrell put him in lemur jail ;-(”

[hat tip: TMDaily]