I’ll be honest, folks, Kevin Smith news bores me a bit. I used to think he was charming as a person and that some of his movies were sort of okay, but ever since he started smoking weed and adopted this forced folksy shtick of his, I don’t feel strongly about him one way or another. BUT, one thing I do feel strongly about is commenter Chareth Cutestory and his white-hot Kevin Smith hatred, which is so pure and beautiful that I let him write up this latest bit of Kevin Smith news himself. Enjoy.
Are you sitting down? Well hold on to your Jort loops because Kevin Smith, his Macbook Pro just out of reach, grasped his Twitter stick in his sausage fingers and, breathing heavily, methodically tapped out the following:
“Since HIT SOMEBODY is now gonna be a mini-series, yes – that leaves room for a new final flick before I retire from directing feature films.” – @ThatKevinSmith
OH HO HO. What’s this now? Giving up so soon after changing the game with Red State? A film you attempted to finance like some sort of dime store P.T. Barnum? After all that, you’re hanging up your leather duster? Or rather dropping it on the floor since raising your arms to coat rack-level has become a sad spectacle?
And what, pray tell, will be your swan song?
”So with the HIT SOMEBODY shift, the minute Jeff Anderson signs on, my last cinematic effort as a writer/director will be CLERKS III. – @ThatKevinSmith
Oh, well that’s just great. FAN-F*CKING-TASTIC. Because what better way to leave the party you had no business attending in the first place than to drop trou and rip a hot, wet fart into the Velveeta cheese dip on your way out. The Velveeta cheese dip that you brought.
Because that’s what your films are, Kevin. Amidst a carefully set table of fine charcuterie and crudités, your contribution to the party is nothing but cheap, fart-laden fromage. The gross imitation at which other partygoers stare askance as they reach for another slice of dry-cured salami. And just because the host’s stoned teenage stepson wanders in and dips a finger into it, don’t you dare think for a second that everyone enjoys it. I picture you now. Standing in the corner, beaming, thinking that you’ve got ‘em all fooled.
Well you haven’t fooled me, fat man. Your contribution to this party sucks. And as you leave, no doubt turning sideways as you attempt to angle your sweaty heft through the threshold, the party will go on without you. Sure, someone may catch a whiff of those cheddar farts you left, but then they’ll return to talking about literally anything else.
So snoochie boochies, Kevin. Snoochie boochies forever. May they hang your hockey jersey from the rafters. Rafters that will no doubt buckle under the sheer weight of it, killing several people below.
(Via)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Clerks3-instagram-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/SLC-punk-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Kanyeti_2439499a-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/12-rounds-2-is-the-perfect-fathers-day-gift-says-wwe-studios-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
This might as well be a Facebook status post as hateful and ranty as it is. If you don’t like Kevin Smith the solution is simple: don’t watch his movies and ignore news about him.
Agreed
Thirded. I was wholly unimpressed with whatever this article was supposed to be.
You guys are crazy. He had me at the bit about the Velveeta Cheese dip.
And as someone that LOVED Clerks and Mallrats and thought Dogma and Strike Back had its moments, the shit that he has done since has been infuriatingly awful. This is not a Snooki situation, who nobody ever liked. The problem is that a lot of us really liked Smith’s early work. And then he got a big head, started putting out garbage, and left us all wondering how the fuck we were fooled so bad. It’s not just that he sucks, it’s that he tricked us. I for one appreciate someone else expressing what I’ve felt since long before the Clerks II abomination.
Fuck Kevin Smith. Fuck him up his stupid ass.
as annoying as Kevin Smith might be, people that hate him are WAY more annoying. give it up already, we get it. he’s fat, he wears jean shorts, his movies suck. move on for fuck’s sake.
Seriously, could Vince at least let someone who doesn’t have an irrational hatred for the guy report this news? I don’t know about the rest of you, but I enjoy more Smith movies than not and am looking forward to this. Though I don’t for a second believe it will be his last film.
Also agreed. Vintage internet – I don’t like you, so let me spend an exorbitant amount of time detailing how much I don’t like you to make sure everyone knows how much I don’t like you.
Yeah, this was a pretty sad attempt at a witty article.
He said a long time ago that Hit Somebody (now Clerks 3) was going to be his last movie. The fact that he is retiring from movie making isn’t new information.
Otherwise this is just “I lash out at something I don’t enjoy for no apparent reason.”
DUH.
yeah the only new and annoying part of this news is that he will do another movie after Hit Somebody. He has been saying that would be his final movie for a while now but now he decided it would be Clerks III
Hit Somebody isn’t a movie anymore.
The Clerks 3 part was new information.
The headline implies the retirement is new information.
Who cares? It’s FilmDrunk. There are news about dogs and cuntfacebritishchef dwarf porn dopplegangers, so what if “the headline implies fart fart fart fart fart…”?! What’s worse than Kevin Smith and people who don’t like Kevin Smith : people defending a guy who looks like a caricature with a three bullet points personality.
Let’s all move on. You liked a director because when you didn’t know better and thought he was the voice of a generation, you don’t have to attack or react that way, at least Chereth is humourous. You just sound as annoying and irritating as Gigli.
So this seems to confirm the rumour that Kevin Smith and Quentin Tarantino are both retiring from films to open an all-you-can-eat* seafood restaurant in SoCal.
*Brett Ratner is banned from this place
Pending the repeal of Proposition 8, of course.
I would keep reading some more FilmDrunk stuff, but I think all that white-hot Kevin Smith hatred is mellting myyy lapp ttop key boooarrrdddd . . .
Can I just say that “Jorts-ensconced taint enthusiast” is still one of my all-time favorite comments ever?
It’s insane, this guys taint!
I like Smith, but this news is of the highest “meh” order.
I’ll always have a fondness for Clerks, and a less special, passing fondness for a couple of his other films, but Kevin Smith, as a person, is as annoying as a persitant ball itch.
Huzzah! Chareth returns!
For someone who hates Smith so much, you surely followed his formula for this write up. Nothing but fart and fat jokes all around. “KEVIN SMITH IS FAT AND WEARS JORTZ! I HATE HIM!”
Jortz. Like Jorts but more… urban.
this my favorite post of the year.
I may get fired due to the loud guffaws brought upon by “hold on to your Jort loops.” Also, charcuterie actually sounds like a short nickname for Chareth Cutestory. If you and I were to ever talk, this is what I would call you.
Meh, this wasn’t so much as funny as forced.
It was far more forced than whatever “folksie shtick” they think Kevin has adopted recently, despite the fact that he’s the exact same dude with the exact same personality he’s always had just with weed references now.
weren’t the weed references always there….?
Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back is absolutely amazing. All his other movies kind of suck.
that movie had me dying
Well, *I* thought it was VERY funny. OFF MY LAWN, JORT MONKEYS!
Face it, you have pretty bad taste and you are really grumpy most of the time. Just kind of unpleasant to be around.
You are blinded by friendship. This was not funny. LISTEN TO US!!!
How very very adult of you.
“A Kevin Smith post? Huzzah! My thirst for mature discourse will surely be slaked!”
Larry, you’re my goddamn hero
I never wanted to be anything more, C-dubs. #lackofambition
I for one, am a huge fan of Larry’s hashtags.
twitter: @larry8675309
Come for the hashtags, stay for the hashtags
He will never retire. Every movie will be his last movie. It’s the only way to rally the fans.
Nah. You’re wrong.
“Oh you’re going out of business? I’m sorry to hear that.”
“No no no my friend, that’s the name of my store!”
He says “So snoochie boochies, Kevin. Snoochie boochies forever.” in a white hot hate rant. But I’ll bet an autographed leather columbine-esque Silent Bob jacket covered in street hockey semen stains that tons of fans will post “Snoochie boochies forever” on their facebooks and twitters as a teary endearment to the Askewmander. I’m guessing Chareth is a fan, and really just loathes himself for being one.
Or something.
I’ll have you know that loathe myself for different reasons entirely.
*Claps*
And Chareth wasn’t even supposed to BE here today.
Now I feel bad for liking Clerks.
You think you feel bad? I live here AND I look like the guy. It’s a complete blow to my “hey do you know who you look like” process when people meet me.
Still love Clerks, Clerks 2 was mostly serviceable, Clerks 3 sounds like a total shit show.
When I saw “Written by Chareth Cutestory” I was equally as excited for the Kevin Smith hatred as I was for the Cock-knocklatiers to rush in to his defense. Neither party disappointed. Azoogas all around – my treat!
That was some succulent delicious hate. I would like seconds, please.
I like his movies when I was 13. On a related note: All 13-year-olds are mentally deficient.
There are worse directors out there, I think the Kevin Smith fanboy club is the most annoying part about his work. Cutestory is on the opposite end of that spectrum. The white hot hate is very closely related to the fanboydom, their aim is merely in opposite directions. People on the far end of a spectrum always seem to ignore this fact.
Kevin Smith movies are contrived and the dialogue is unrealistic and they usually boil down to some obvious truth at the end, but Clerks, Mallrats, Dogma and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back are all enjoyable films.
I thought Clerks was hilarious and I’ve enjoyed some of his other movies too. Plus Clerks II had Rosario Dawson in it, which, bouncy. Still, I enjoy unfettered hate and I will defend to the death CC’s right to spew it.
Also, I would rather take a gentleman in my mouth than watch Comic Book Men. Jeepers H. Creepers, AMC.
I haven’t seen Clerks II yet, which is weird because that’s just Rosario Dawson stalking homework.
Jersey Girl was actually quite touching, as much as it bombed. I actually thought Zack & Miri Make A Porno was damn funny.
the “pussy troll” part in Clerks II made me die laughing. his shit ain’t all bad, and the people that say it is are more annoying than Smith himself.
/shrug.
Guys, the hate is what makes it funny.
he was planning on retiring with hit somebody before Red state even came out, this is news he announced over a year ago, so way to be on top of your shit.
Something about this article reminds me of Jackie Gleason.
GUYS ALL THIS IRONY IS RUINING AMERICA DIDN’T YOU READ THE NEW YORK TIMES
You’d think Kevin Smith fucked this dude’s girl or something, jesus christ.
Probably some place really uncomfortable.
Like the back seat of a volkswagen?
I like Kevin Smith a lot. I don’t look forward to Clerks 3. I actually think Clerks 2 was pretty good, still there’s no point in carrying that out any further? What subject do you cover? I can only guess that he has some marriage anecdotes from his own life that will be the core of Dante’s story. Don’t really think its needed. I’ll give him benefit of the doubt for now.
This should have been in “This Week in Fuck You” on KSK. That’s some fine hatin’.
Is it that hard to hate on a hack director without all the fat-shaming? I don’t care for Kevin Smith but you, Chareth Cutestory, are a fucking dick.
I would rather watch every single Kevin Smith movie in a row ten times then read this article again. It seems like the only reason your upset is because this fat, hockey jersey and jean short wearing guy has made a successive career and a ton of money out of making cult comedy movies, that weren’t all particularly great, but seriously who gives a fuck, how about next time Mall Rats or Clerks comes on basic cable just simply change the channel. I thought this was a legitimate article but that was stupid of me there is more nonsense on uproxx then Kevin Smith could even fathom.. so snoochie boochies, Chareth, and thanks for wasting your life writing this awful article so we could waste our lives reading it and telling you how stupid it sounds.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I fucking hate the internet today.
You could have read the preface and saved us all some grief, fucko. J’accuse.
Yeah, Chareth! You and your hatred for successive careers is too much for me too!
I thought it was a good hockey article.
While Chareth comes off as a holier-than-thou, douchey, and inexplicably hateful little man… I have the same type of indescribable white-hot hate for Jim Carrey, Wil Smith, Alicia Silverstone, and Matthew Lillard. So, I can’t criticize him for his need to express his hang-ups.
However, IMO, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Clerks 2, and Miri & Zack were all highly enjoyable and extremely watchable films. Red State was okay. Why hate on Askewniverse films when horrible shit like Twilight and Happy Madison movies dominate the cinemas? Kevin Smith fans might get on your nerves, but they’re not half as pathetic as Twi-tards or the beer-bros who can quote every line from Mr. Deeds.
Agreed. Thought Clerks, Mallrats, Amy and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back were fun films, and I’ve watched them a few times. If Smith gets more enjoyment out of podcasts, tweeting, etc – then fair play to him.
That cop film with Bruce Willis was one of the worst things I’ve ever seen though.
Hold on to your Jort loops. Nailed it.
I enjoyed Mallrats and Chasing Amy. I’ve never understood why people like Clerks though. The main actor is painfully shitty in it – I can’t help but feel like he was reading every single line off of a cue card. It’s one of the worst comic performances of all time.
Lots of fat jokes… You are surely the better comedian Chareth.
+1 TO ARTICLE <3. I actually like some of Smith's movies, but he hasn't made a good one in a long time and the dude is such a grating blowhard. Besides, a world in which Chareth cannot mercilessly insult Kevin Smith in a public forum is… I can't even imagine. It would be like if you fall through the closet into Narnia, realize it's the Matrix, then you come to a snow fortress where Johnny Depp rapes you in Alice in Wonderland makeup.
Yes, I would like to think liking Kevin Smith and liking Chareth’s hate letters to him aren’t mutually exclusive. For the record, I once owned Dogma on DVD. Chareth could get this angry about my favorite person in the world, I’m pretty sure I’d still think it was funny.
I can’t hate on Kevin Smith. He just went from an ambitious geek to indie darling to walking cliche, but his actions aren’t much different than they would be for any random one of us who got that lucky break.
10 points for reasoned, non-hyperbolic comment.
bahahaha wtf just happened. Its like the Kevin Smith Avengers got a google alert and swooped in to protect his good name.
Fuck Zach and Miri by the way.
Dude singing Berserker in Clerks made me LOL.
Did he just say making fuck?
Eh, I still like most of his stuff. A good chunk falls flat and I have no interest what so ever in Comicbook Men, but I like his overall body of work, including some of the SMOD shows.
And I’ll take any of his movies with some funny quotables over another Michael Bay shitfest any day. I’m assuming your tortured metaphor of the party was meant to represent the film industry. Wow, you have a way higher opinion of them than I do.
But ya, you come off as a disgruntled fanboy. Instead of telling us how awesome all his movies are and how he was the voice of a generation, you are just spewing fat jokes about him. Same shit, different hole.
Why hate Keving Smith when Adam Sandler still exists?
A fair question. My guess would be that you know that Sandler movies are going to suck, but you get your hopes up for Smith’s. In general, I think your brain doesn’t choose who you hate, your heart does.
I generally hate his movies. But I also think Clerks, (along with Linklater’s Slacker) defines my generation/culture as well as any movie. Which I think means I hate myself.
Mallrats and Chasing Amy reminded me a lot of my high school years
Bunch of savages in this comment section.
Looks like Christmas has come early this year. Thank you, Santa!
Thank goodness that poor, persecuted will still make shitloads of money off of his awful AMC show that gets ratings leeching off a recap show that leeches ratings off a replay that leeches ratings off of The Walking Dead.
so I came across your shitty site googling, you guessed it, Kevin Smith.
You don’t really need to like the guy; or his movies; and I’m not even inclined on concentrating on the possibility of you being jealous.
What I’d like to point out is that your article is shitty, poorly written, pseudo intellectual crap. The kind of shit I’ve come to expect from aging arts majors.
Whatever this website you’re writing on is supposed to be, is beyond me, but it looks like shit too. And I somehow doubt that it has any impact on anyone whatsoever, aside from the cockmunchers who frequent this site regularly.
I would’ve liked to respond to you in a more civil manner, but hey, i mean just look at your puerile little “article”, it’s jam-packed to the rim with expletives and your uncalled for hatred for someone I’ve actually heard of in comparison to you.
Dude, maybe your dad should’ve gone for a walk instead of topping your mom, those ten minutes in December.
MY DAD CAN FUCK FOR HOURS ON END, YOU LIBELOUS CUNTWAFFLE!
I bet you sent that in to Smith thinking he’d be so grateful you defended him and that he’d also be super impressed with how clever and vulgar it was.
Then maybe, he’d decide to meet you and you two can be best buds.
I love you, Chareth.
Red state was good imo, i like a movie without heros….
and damn one more movie….and its clerks 3……where the hell is the Bluntman and Chronic movie FFS…..or at least direct the new Daredevil
Red State, I thought, was a great flick.
Look, none of his movies are changing the game or winning an Oscar anytime soon – but they are a good 90 minutes to laugh a bit and have a good time. Loved Clerks, Mall Rats and Dogma.
Don’t get why some folks have such strong hate for the guy.
While I agree that making another Clerks movie might be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first, I have to agree with some that you don’t have to watch it. Find entertainment you like, and ignore the rest….. like adults. I think this clip sums it up.
[www.youtube.com]