The movie that’s currently being marketed as TOM CRUISE: MIDGET SUPERSPY is actually a pretty clever pulp crime story from the writer of The Usual Suspects with Werner Herzog playing a bad guy. Oh, did you not know that? It’s probably because Paramount thinks you’re eight, and the movie you saw being advertised was TOM CRUISE, 50-YEAR-OLD HARDASS, BEATS PEOPLE UP BECAUSE THE MILITARY! And that’s best-case scenario, assuming you even got past EASY GAY JOKE: THE FILM.
Get it? The title sounds naughty.
“Jack Reacher” is not a title. Jack Reacher is the franchise the studio wants to build, Paramount’s marketing department like a badly written character spouting his motivations out loud instead of dialog. Raiders of the Lost Ark, First Blood, shit, even The Bourne Identity – those were titles, people calling them “Rambo” came later. More than just crappy branding and presumptuous marketing, “Jack Reacher” is symptomatic of a mindset stuck in the days when you could just put a big star like Tom Cruise’s name above the title and every Joe Sixpack and Charla Cheesesnack would rush to the multiplex from all around to throw money at you while it snowed cocaine. Only it’s not 1985 anymore. You actually have to sell what you’ve got. And what you’ve got ain’t James Bond: Musclecar Edition. And thank God. The world needs another invincible secret agent franchise like Tom Cruise needs extra large muscle tees.
The Lee Child book on which Jack Reacher is based (Lee Child being the pen name of British author Jim Grant) was called “One Shot,” which is actually a perfect title for this, a pulp thriller about an army sniper who goes on a spree shooting that turns out to be not quite what it seemed. And yes, a movie that opens with a spree shooting is as poorly-timed as it sounds. Paramount even canceled the red carpet premiere, which was to have taken place the day after the Newtown killings. But Tom Cruise and Chris McQuarrie didn’t kill anyone, they just made a movie, and as it turns out, it’s actually a pretty good one. Whereas Bourne characters just sort of shouted Spy Movie buzzwords at each other to tread water between shaky-cam car fu and punchy-kick parkour fights, Jack Reacher is actually, like, a story, and one seemingly written for adults, that doesn’t involve plot points like amnesia, or quicksand, or screamy white girls getting kidnapped and sold into white slavery, or flying to Qatar to recover a one-of-a-kind diamond from a rare Ukranian prostitute. The crime plot at the heart of it is a bit cartoony and so are the bad guys, but it’s a believable-enough story that entices you to follow along and actually rewards you for paying attention. And that’s all you really want out of a pulpy procedural, aside from sexy boob ladies and pew-pew gun fights.
Jack Reacher has so much mass appeal, it’s like a pumped-up episode of Law and Order done well, and all Paramount had to do to keep from f*cking it up was not John Carter it with a name like “Jack Reacher.” Did they really think someone would forget the name and they wouldn’t be able to make a sequel? NO ONE is going to forget the name. They said “Reacher” 21 times. I counted.
When production of the film was announced, fans of the book vocally complained about 5’7″ Cruise being cast as ex-military police, off-the-grid drifter Jack Reacher, who’s described in the books as “6′ 5″ tall with a 50-inch chest, and weighing between 210 and 250 pounds, He has very little body fat, and his muscular physique is completely natural (he reveals in Persuader, he has never been an exercise enthusiast).”
First of all, no one cares how faithful a movie is to your homoerotic supermarket paperback, so shut up unless you want an atomic wedgie. Secondly, that’s called movie magic. If short guys couldn’t play taller guys, we’d get White Men Can’t Jump starring Brendan Fraser and Dikembe Mutumbo. And no one wants Brendan Fraser toplining an action franchise, not even his mother. Using mean and crafty to stand in for big and brutish, Cruise fits the part fine. The only real discrepancies are a cop’s line about how “I only know one man who could kill with one punch…” – which I actually didn’t even know was supposed to be about Jack Reacher until an hour after the movie – and the way every chick Reacher meets seems to throw herself at him. Tom Cruise is handsome and all, and I’d kill for his hair, but I don’t know many 50-year-old drifters who can’t walk four feet without crowds of 23-year-olds parting to wring out their panties. But then, it’s set in Pittsburgh, and Tom Cruise has all his teeth, so who knows. The most egregious casting isn’t even Tom Cruise, it’s the junior college lacrosse team they got to play a ring of meth cooks, presumably by the same casting agent who handles the Brinks home security commercials. Actual line: “No way, bro! Jeb would never leave his moms alone like that! Sh*t ain’t right!”
For unintentional humor, there’s really nothing like a Peter Facinelli-type thugged up with a sideways baseball hat droppin ghetto pluralisms.
But I forgive all the minor casting choices because WERNER HERZOG PLAYS THE BAD GUY WHY HASN’T ANYONE THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE. They basically wrote him into the role of the bleak supervillain he almost already was. Herzog plays “The Zec,” the mysterious puppet master behind a shadowy corporation who tells us that he “spent an entire winter in a Siberian prison wearing a dead man’s coat.” Just imagine Werner Herzog speaking those words. Awesome, right? It is. He gnawed his own fingers off, he tells us, to keep from dying of frostbite (the dead man’s coat had a hole in the pocket). I giggled like a ticklish schoolgirl every time he talked. They even got Richard Jenkins and Robert Duvall in smaller roles, which, in a popcorny Tom Cruise movie, is like getting Karl Malone and Scottie Pippen to play on your some other sports metaphor that works here.
Jack Reacher is a solid movie that never pretends to be a film. It has a few problems here and there, like an unlikely sidekick (Duvall) who’s a lot more helpful than he has any reason to be (no friends, that’s the drawback of being a romantic drifter), and a script that can’t quite decide whether to go full chauvinist (Rosamund Pike and her heaving cleavage are just shy of eye candy). But it’s the kind of movie that doesn’t make a mess. Something that doesn’t quite add up in one scene will inevitably become a plot point in the next. Like I said, it rewards you for paying attention. And really, that’s what a genre thriller should be. The action scenes are specific and tactical, with a spatial awareness, rather than just being frenetic and blurry. Basically, Jack Reacher is the kind of guilty-pleasure action movie that people always tried to convince me the Bourne movies were.
And there was even the occasional glimpse of the old Chris McQuarrie, vulgar, borderline-absurd one-liners like a cop threatening to put the bad guy “in with the general population, where they pass you around until a brother can’t tell your fart from a yawn.” Reminding you that McQuarrie’s still the same guy who had Ryan Phillippe threatening to “f*ck start a c*nt’s head” in the Way of the Gun all those years ago. Glad to have him back.
GRADE: B
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I’m rather glad this isn’t “Jack Seagal: Invincible Spy”. I had my reservations based on the commercials. Now they just need to make a movie with Werner Herzog as one half of a villainous brother’s duo, with the other half played by Joss Ackland (South African bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2). Is there anything more chilling/awesome than old, gravelly-accented voices?
They probably couldn’t afford Max von Sydow in a nut clamp, what with the Cruise money and all.
If they made a space cowboys 2: soviet style with werner herzog, Max von sydow, kiss ackland, and either Christopher lee or Christopher plummer, I would not complain
Dolph or GTFO.
“Rare Ukrainian prostitute” – now who’s being naive?
There’s pretty much no way to respond to that without sounding like either Charlie Sheen or a serial killer.
Or Michael Corleone.
[www.youtube.com]
Wow great review. I’m a big fan of the novels, they don’t pretend to be anything other than what they are: A big dude travels around the country beating the shit out of assholes. Tom Cruise was a terrible casting choice for this, if for no other reason than he already has an action movie franchise.
The point about Cruise being cast, is not that little guys can’t fight in reality. It’s that A) the character is supposed to be big and cruise is tiny B) the character is supposed to look tough, and Cruise most certainly does not; and C) Tom Cruise is an over cast cockmonger, who sucks at acting, sucks at life, and hasn’t madea watchable film in 20 years. People are just sick of him, and sick of him being cast in these types of roles. It doesn’t work. All I can think when I see him in a film is “where’s the remote”.
heh, AB. I’m not ragging on you for a typo, but I’d gladly fork over 13 bucks to watch something called “Madea: Watchable Film.”
@ AB agree 100%.
Certainly true. When I watched the trailer again today all I could think was, “Man this guy keeps his hair in perfect condition and has really fuckin’ white teeth.” Reacher is supposed to be a Raylan Givens type, an iconoclast, someone who doesn’t always say the right thing, or use hair conditioner. Someone who has a real scar somewhere.
Tom Cruise isn’t a good actor? That is pretty stupid. H8rs to the left.
@BackToTheSutures – Nicely done.
@AB; that about sums it up; several of the movies he did do, like The Last Samurai, would have been watchable with an even halfway descent actor.
@ irishda; the point was that the character in the book was tall.
@irishda:
Mentioning one highly accomplished martial artist does not negate simple physics. Size DOES make a difference when all else is equal. But as has been said, that wasn’t even the point.
That said, in Hollywood even skinny teenage girls can beat up 6’5” guys.
@Royal Anteater; if you are being sarcastic that’s pretty funny.
Saying Tom Cruise is a terrible actor is just revealing your bias against him. I dislike the dude as a person as much as the next guy, but he’s a decent actor. And you can tell he’s trying to do a good job in his movies, not just going through the motions because he gets paid a bunch of money.
He wasn’t a good choice for the role based on what the character is originally meant to be, but the movie is acceptable. Do I ever need to watch it again? Probably not. But I don’t regret seeing it, and it was entertaining enough to keep my attention throughout.
6’5″ 250 and no weights? Bro. Do you even?
it exists……. his name is Dolph
Do not disparage the name of Dolph Lundgren! Don’t you know he went to MIT and he’s a Fulbright scholar? He is responsible for some of the greatest action in the past twenty years. I bet you wouldn’t say something like that to his face.
(Blatant attempt to get included in COTW as washed up action star defending troll)
Wow apparently he’s on everyone’s minds today.
It’s not that unheard of.
You joke, but the lacrosse team at my junior college always had the best meth.
Yeah short people are never good at things like hand-to-hand combat. Bruce Lee was 6’3″ right?
“Jack Reacher” is not a title. Jack Reacher is the franchise the studio wants to build, Paramount’s marketing department like a badly written character spouting his motivations out loud instead of dialog.
I keep reading that and it makes no sense.
It made sense after a closer look, memories of my lit classes rising like farts in a chilled room to waft recollections of sentence structures gone by.
Technically I’d argue that it should say “likes” instead of “like”. That might make it more sense for you.
“The department likes a badly written character who spouts his motivations instead of dialogue.”
“Likes”
That did it!
The clause after the comma is saying Paramount’s marketing department is spouting their intention to make this a franchise like a character with excessive expository dialogue would beat the audience over the head with reasons why he’s doing everything. Don’t worry Vince, I got your back.
But I should still gonna go wedgie myself now, probably.
Don’t worry Back2, I’m sure someone is already on their way to your house as we type.
I was thinking “is like,” but I guess “likes” works too.
You sold me on the movie. What’s funny is that most MP’s aren’t the Rock. They’re Tom Cruise: undersized psycopaths with something to prove. Naturally large athletic men don’t join the military. People pay them vast sums of money to play sports, and super models try to have sex with them.
I couldn’t agree with your statement more. It reaffirms why I know so many fat turds who were douchebags in highschool who joined the military.
dontplaydead don’t know what he’s talking about. He missed the point. What kungjitsu is talking about is MPs being obnoxious and having the little man syndrome. I was below average size in the army but there wasn’t one I knew who was bigger than me and they were all just itching to tazer some jerks for barely even a ghost of a reason.
That said, with a little time past since I”ve been out to think about it, they are just like everyone else in the army, or almost anywhere else, about 2/3 are jerks and the rest range from “kind of a jerk” to “saint”.
I didn’t miss the point, I think I got it pretty clearly. I can say the same thing about the kids in school who had the “little man” syndrome you talk about- and then they went on to become cops. Doesn’t mean EVERY cop or guy in the military is a douche, but I’ve seen the particularly MOST obnoxious guys from school end up in some kind of position like that.
Please keep arguing about grand generalizations; it’s worth your time.
That was a great review Vince. I think I might actually see it now based purely off that review.
Question though (because my wife will ask this) – what movie would you compare it to? In terms of how you thought it was going to be one way, but then ended up being slightly pleasantly surprising?
TOM CRUISE STILL SUCKS.
Did you confirm with Travolta?
You’re being glib, Patty. Patty, you’re being glib.
I don’t think his sex life has any part in this discussion.
Part of me wanted this to be fucking terrible, just so I could make a “You must never watch zees” joke.
Wait, Werner Herzog is in this movie? SOLD.
I hear Josh Hartnett was free.
Great review. And I’m downright shocked the phrase “no gays in there” wasn’t used. Seriously. I used the Chrome Find tool. Nice restraint, Vince.
I actually don’t mind the small actor casting as an action role. Navy Seals aren’t the biggest guys and if Royce Gracie taught us anything, it’s that technique triumphs over size and strength.
What I do mind is that if Paramount is indeed marketing this as a series instead of a one off movie, why cast Tom Cruise?
Werner Herzog was a good choice, and I’m really hoping the first time he’s introduced he has just finished hypnotizing a chicken.
i’m just trying to wrap my head around vince liking a mainstream action flick
I’ve gotten no inkling from all the adds that this is supposed to be a series. If it turns into one then I think we’re veering Last Action Hero, Jack Slater territory here.
JR: The Cruisizing is better than movies about “screamy white girls getting kidnapped and sold into white slavery”?
After being a long time review reader, I now, finally, can clearly define the line between “Movies Vince likes” and “Movies I like.” Helpful. Helpful.
And that line is what?
Mainly movies about the white slave trade. Also, but to a lesser degree, movies of the “Bro, don’t go to a foreign country, bro!” category where some young fratish dudes get their comeuppances.
Well, that and Magical Realism.
I want Herzog to join the announcers on Sunday Night Football to hear him explain to Collinsworth how easy it is to hypnotize Gronkowski.
Penis
agreed; small.
“If short guys couldn’t play taller guys, we’d get White Men Can’t Jump starring Brendan Fraser and Dikembe Mutumbo”
Vince I would watch the shit out of that movie and so would you. It be like a carwreck, can’t look away
Are we talking Mummy Brendan Fraiser or Diablos Basketball player from Bedazzled Brendan Fraiser?
I though it was good overall, but predictable. And why do we always have to have a “how about we put down our weapons and fight like men” moment in action movies? They seem stupid. The best part is the end because you don’t see that kind of ‘justice’ in other movies. Also, the lawyer had an underutilized huge rack.
A+ for jugginess, definitely.
I felt like Rosamund Pike’s rack was aided by excellent push-up bras, or she was a little heavier at the time this was filmed, because I looked up some photos of her and she is most definitely not that chesty. But in the movie, she looked like she was smuggling basketballs in her tasteful sweaters and tanks.
I just finished my screenplay called: Dan Uppercut.
He’s a former Army, Navy, Air Force, Marine, Green Beret, Delta Force, Navy Seal and spy that now answers to no one, but himself. There are also tons of tits and violence maybe a puppy and a small child too.
“Rosamund Pike and her heaving cleavage” We’re there, dude.
Also, “But then, it’s set in Pittsburgh, and Tom Cruise has all his teeth, so who knows.” got a big laugh.
“spent an entire winter in a Siberian prison wearing a dead man’s coat.”
I can’t be the only one who read that as Werner Herzog spending an entire winter wearing a dead man AS a coat because I could totally see him doing that.
I actually was there too. Funny how Herzog just wrecks sentences.
Yeah, I call bullshit too; EVERYONE knows human skin has practically no insulation value when worn as a coat.
Holy crap, Vince, your reviews have been really good lately. I’m writing this from my sincerity closet. It’s filled with all my sincerity. And some lady’s shoes I’ve been stealing for years.
/has sincerity thimble.
Yeah, my mind was made up about this movie by the joke in the commercials “You’re gonna have to show me something!” – with the clever response “How about the inside of an ambulance?” Har har. If there’s two things I love about my movies, it’s when they star closeted nut-jobs who try to play tough guys, while using jokes I heard in 8th grade.
Hoping the misguided marketing doesn’t turn it into this generation’s Remo Williams.
I’m sorry to have to ask this, but Vince? Is that you? Having just accidentally seen this film, I am compelled to ask you for the Code Word. Werner Herzog, yes. On that alone, yes. But the rest? Tap once if they have your balls in a vice, tap twice if you’re dead.
is like getting Karl Malone and Scottie Pippen to play on your some other sports metaphor that works here.
Mancini, don’t act like all these other hipster movie dickbags. You have sports knowledge to bleed. Come out of the shower room and bring Sandusky a Klondike bar.
I wasn’t trying to deny my sportitude, it was more that instead of searching for that oh-so-perfect comparison and feel all smug about it, I could just give you half of it since you know probably know what I was saying already and we could move on. Call it an experiment.
An experiment half-assed is an ass friend of mine.
It was a decent decision, Mancini. It made me chuckle.
VALKYRIED!
What could have been awful, probably should have been a flaming bag of shit, was actually perfectly fine entertainment. Don’t know why this Lee Child deserved more respect than WWII in the first place.
Valkyrie was a really, really good movie. Except for tom cruise.
The advertising has been terrible, but I was going to see anyways cause I live in West Virgi…Pittsburgh. Also, because Cruise is an awesome actor.
The Cruise hate is stupid and overblown. You don’t like his UFO religion? So what? Everyone engages in some type of magical thinking to inject meaning into their lives.
Right? Look, you want to hate Mel Gibson, that’s fine. But admit he’s a good actor and a goddamn good director, and I’d like to see him do something high profile again. If I got angry drunk and started yelling at my wife on a voice mail I’d probably say some off the wall shit too, sugartits.
Agreed. He always commits, always delivers, his performances are never half-assed. He also switches it up more than lots of other A-list actors.
Thirded. His direction of The Patriot more than makes up for its relatively minimal nonsense, but Braveheart and the first two Lethal Weapons are the only reason he gets a pass for What Women Want. I’d love to see him take on another epic.
I approve of the chick in the background and the (what looks like a) early 70s Chevelle. Otherwise….I’ll just keep making Jack Reacharound jokes
I just saw it this after noon and I think Vince’s review is pretty spot on. I think we actually need a phrase now (I call it “John-Cartered.”) that describes this situation: a decent movie based off decent source material that’s chances have been ruined by crappy marketing and a stupid, ambiguous name.
The trend goes so much farther back, though. We can also call it getting “Salt-ed”. Who is Salt? Who gives a flying f*ck?
No, Salt just sucked by any standard.
Although I was intrigued by the movie I saw this primarily based off your positive review. Haters gonna hate, but I think Cruise did a terrific job. I frankly didn’t care about the whole size issue (and I’ve read a couple of the books) and it didn’t really matter: “First of all, no one cares how faithful a movie is to your homoerotic supermarket paperback” indeed. My only issues were some plot points (most egregious being that a diabolical mastermind sets the wheels in motion… *drumroll* to underbid on construction projects). I thought Herzog was excellent and a little underutilized. He did a great Bond villain.
Yeah, the reveal was for sure a bit anti-climactic. “They’ll stop at nothing to preserve their Pittsburgh commercial real estate fortune!”
Remember the early Simpson’s episode about the monorail destroying Springfield? That’s basically what Herzog wanted to do in this film.
Good review, thanks! I had zero interest in seeing this movie, but I’m thinking twice about it now. The lead casting is still a mystery to me…not necessarily because of his size, but Cruise never projects the kind of “tough guy menace” that is evidently inherent to the character. Steve McQueen, despite his lack of size, played a tough guy very well, but Cruise has never had that grit.
“I plan to beat you to death and drink your blood from a boot” was another great McQuarrie line.
Jack Reacher an action crime thriller is nicely done. A strong performance from Tom Cruise and the suspenseful atmosphere created by Christopher McQuarrie helps to make ”Jack Reacher” a solid action-thriller. I really enjoyed Jack Reacher.
Werner Herzog was ridiculous in this movie, and it was incredible. His accent makes everything sound evil and threatening. He could order a value meal from Burger King and it would sound terrifying. He should be the diabolical evil mastermind in every action movie ever.