Inviting someone over to watch a movie with you is pretty much universal code for “let's have sex, but pretend that was not the intention for tonight so we don't feel so morally perverse.” Now, some of you might not put a lot of thought into the movie you're going to play for you and your date, but I am here to tell you that it matters. The film you choose is very important in setting the mood, and in many cases is also a valid expression of who you are, and what kind of lover you will be. Through much trial and error I have figured out the perfect films to play before the long long night of lovemaking.
Oh man let me just say nothing gets a girl hornier than a 90-pound Jared Leto. Fellas, don't worry, you got Jennifer Connelly AND Ellen Burstyn to ogle at throughout the movie too. Wait, wait check this out: Ellen Burstyn? More like Ellen BURST IN...MY PANTS! Ha, that was just a side joke for you free of charge you're welcome (I'm sorry).
Anyways, this is a cool movie that's like four different movies in one and it has Marlon Wayans in it so you know it'll be funny. It's got all the perfect ingredients any good “horn me up” movie needs. Sex, drugs, and violins.
aw these rascals and their shenanigans
Wow, I can not stress enough how important it is to watch every single Lord of the Rings movie on a date. You can't just pick one. If you do it ruins the vibe completely. Imagine just watching Fellowship of the Ring knowing you could easily pop in Two Towers right after but you don't? Both of you get a giant case of hobbit blue balls, which actually aren't that giant, but still you get my point. Invite your date over early, like at 10 am. By 3 am after all three epic films have been watched (including special features) you'll both be completely revved up and ready for some action. Trust me! It's been scientifically proven that hearing the words “my precious” repeatedly for several hours is the foreplay equivalent to licking each other's armpits. Super. Hot.
The Human Centipede. This one's a little more on the kinky side sure, but nothing says classy like a snobby European film. If you're feeling body conscious, then this is an extra good selection. Play this film and see how much disgusting, vile, and totally gross ass-to-mouth images this person can take. If they can last the whole film seeing a person literally eat shit, then chances are your thigh cellulite and butt pimples will be beauty in comparison.
This is a great movie regardless of whether or not it's for a date, but still perfect for a night in with your boo cause it hits the funny bone real hard, which is the most erogenous zone in the human body. Look at it this way, you got not just one Adam Sandler, but two! Plus, the second one is dressed as a woman! I made the mistake of seeing this for the first time in a theater. It was a mistake because I laughed so hard that I came which is the worst thing you can do in a movie theater especially if you're mom is sitting right next to you, but hey don't blame me. Blame the folks over at Shloobity-Boop-Za-Ding-Dong Productions. That is the name of Adam Sandler's production company right?
This guys puts this 'mmm' in 'mmmutton chops'
The History Channel did the whole world a favor by making the sexiest war battle in American history come alive in a two-hour documentary special narrated by Sam Rockwell (the white Morgan Freeman). I mean not only is it fun but it's also educational. I recommend you and your date whip out some college ruled notebooks and take notes while watching the film. Then, you give each other cute little quizzes at the end, and if your date fails deny them sex until they learn to have more respect for the people that lost their lives so Abraham Lincoln could be a hero.
You're a grown up sure, but let's face it, a kid at heart! Putting in a cute little cartoon, shows that you're playful and don't take life too seriously. Sure you got a job, and rent to pay but sometimes you like to think about fictional anime creatures. You wonder, hey what if I was a Pokemon master? Don't be afraid to talk about this with your date, and please go into great detail. Also, be sure to show off any other Pokemon gear you've saved over the years. Including the trading cards, video games, dolls, underwear, comics, hats, night light, pajamas, and figurines. Bring these out all at once and I'm telling you, your date is going to be more turned on than a faucet in Howie Mandel's bathroom. Then when they see you crying your eyes out at the extremely emotional scene where Pikachu is afraid he might have just lost Ash forever. Let's just say, they're not even going to care about a condom cause they want to make a baby with you.
This guy has no kids...that he knows of!!!
Cool teen flick about teens doing teen stuff like drinking beer at the park, partying, having sex with 12-year-olds, and getting HIV. Need I say more?
This is a good one to watch with someone you very recently met. Like maybe you just picked them up at a bar. That's what I did once on accident. I just needed him to watch something while I excused myself to go barf in the toilet. When I got back, he had four condoms on and a helmet.
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Not quite, you picked the wrong Gettysburg. You want the Tom Berenger/Martin Sheen one from 1993. Make sure you get the director’s cut, at 4.5 hours that’s girth that anyone can appreciate.
What…I don’t…but…?
I don’t understand what just happened.
I thoroughly enjoyed the Kids one though.
Conceptually funny, but maybe screen your contributors a bit more heavily for literary prowess.
Man, if you think big words = literary prowess, not only are you completely wrong, you’ve come to the wrong website.
Your name perfectly describes what you should do in terms of this site.
Blargh, that’s not what I meant, and now I seem like a pretentious douche. I remember her from various frotcasts, and she was very funny there… some people’s humor just doesn’t translate to the written word as well.
I get what you’re saying. The writing’s a bit off – not the content, but just the way it’s constructed. There are a lot of missing commas, and plenty of clauses that are trying to stand alone as sentences: “Then when they see you crying your eyes out at the extremely emotional scene where Pikachu is afraid he might have just lost Ash forever.”
There’s definitely something wrong with the construction of the both of you get a giant case of hobbit blue balls sentence. Funny, it seems what your saying…
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, YOUNG LADY?
Needs moar colons!!
@leave1942 – The Klingon Empire thinks your post is weak. They asked the Mighty Feklahr to demonstrate how weak it is with a hand motion of your race and culture.
I like to do the faux-stretch-into-arm-around-her-shoulder maneuver during the “Ass to ass!” scene.
“Hey, I’m just sayin’ it looks interesting is all!”
Aw crap, actual girls come to this website? I gotta start sucking in my internet-gut every time I come here now?…
But seriously, the line “your date is going to be more turned on than a faucet in Howie Mandel’s bathroom” gave me LOLs (Lots Of Length [Boners])
is “Alison Stevenson” one of Vince’s pseudonyms? “son” at the end of first and last name? nice try. this article is sarcastic. everyone knows Drive is the perfect date movie.
Good stuff. remember Warhol’s “Frankenstein 3-D?” I took a first date to that one. Let’s just say that the dagger remained in the sheath that night.
My favorite date movies are Old Yeller and Left Behind.
And I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. Tucker Max is a genius.
dang forgot about that classic
Finally, a woman’s perspective on the site! That Ashley chick seems like such a prude.
Oh, Requiem for a Dream. Funniest ending ever!
You forgot about the date film classic Cannibal Holocaust.
i couldn’t get through the whole movie without feeling sick to my stomach so also a very good choice
I think I actually did the “KIDS” date once (peener windmills get chicks H.O.T.T., man!) Thankfully anything that’s happened more than two weeks prior to now is always hazy…
I would also recommend 2009′s “The Road”; y’know, keep things light and breezy.
“your date is going to be more turned on than a faucet in Howie Mandel’s bathroom.”
* slow clap *
Any time I wanna get laid, I put on Pink Floyd’s The Wall and fill our pint glasses with blended whiskey and no ice, because we’re all going to die and life is shit so we might as well make sexy now.
Sign that the wife loves me – she bought the Hobbit tickets, and afterwards, said she wants to watch the other films.
First movie I watched with my ex at her house was 21 Grams (her suggestion). Yeah… not at all conducive to sexy times.
The dry deserts of Lawrence of Arabia always get ‘em wet
“More like Ellen BURST IN…MY PANTS!” I felt like i was watching a Mr. Skin review there for a second.
I like to show Diner, but I make sure I offer her some popcorn from my specially-modified popcorn bowl before the movie spoils the surprise for her.
I’ve also considered showing Michael Fassbender in Shame but I don’t want to get her hopes up.
AND…I can’t wait until the extended version of The Hobbit comes out on DVD. I will save so much money on roofies.
Not gonna lie, I’ve actually gotten a gal naked while watching Kids. I am so ashamed.
As long as she was awake you’re good.
“It’s just Casper…”
Irréversible: for gals who like it rough. Plus, it’s French. So, it’s like raping two whores with one stone.
if she’s not ready to go by the end of that pop in Enter the Void. Noe knows baby making movies.
Yes, that is a cheery one.
I thought I found the very idea of Human Centipede absolutely revolting, but then I saw that little diagram and I jizzed in my pants forthwith.
If your going to go with Requiem for a Dream I recommend to tell your date to pay very close attention once Big Tim shows up at the end of the movie. Tell her it’s sort of a “sneak preview” of later that night as you pull out the astroglide.
“Inviting someone over to watch a movie with you is pretty much universal code for “let’s have sex, but pretend that was not the intention for tonight so we don’t feel so morally perverse.” ”
Uh, how universal exactly….because I can think of a couple of times I was invited over and nothing hap- aw Goddammit!
Nothing gets the ladies revved up like Hurricane High Gravity and 120 Days of Sodom.
On our 3rd date I showed my wife Wet Hot American Summer. She loved it and let me feel her titties.
Both of them?!?!?!
Too drunk or stupid to tell if this is serious or sarcastic.
Serious.
Stupid.
SO serious like omg.
I’m always partial to the part in Valhalla Rising where they’re all drugged up and do that dude in the butt whilst rolling around in mud. If they’ve made it that far I figure they deserve to know where the night is taking us.
its so sad that the only thing i laughed at was the coke mustache dwarf.
i’d rather read a post of brett complain about every movie ever filmed than this. atleast he’s angry in
a funny sad way
a funny immortal butt hurt way
No joke, I once took a girl on a movie date and she suggested we check out Hostel 2. I did not get laid that night.
As long as we’re on this tack (movies that are poorly designed for certain occasions – wait, did I blow the joke?), a buddy of mine and I went to see “Leaving Las Vegas” on New Years Day, still coming down off the beer and liquor high. I have never felt so broken inside.
Eraserhead never fails to get you buttseks.
I once invited a girl over to watch Twilight. I slipped some pills in her drink and spent the rest of the night watching her sleep.
I took a first date (at her request) to see “Secretary”. Let’s just say things took a dramatic turn for the worst and it cost me a $120 cab ride. FIN.
Still funnier than Lindy West
Please invite her back for more.
Just awesome.
On the other hand, if you’re a LOTR nutcase, and you find somebody who will sit through all nine hours or whatever it is, maybe you’ve got something there.
More girls.
Sadly, I actually saw “Kids” on a first date at the theaters. Is it better, or worse, that it was her idea? Either way, things didn’t work out too well.