“My friend, there are three things I love in this world. Salmon fishing. The Yemen. And literal titles.”

The Golden Globes released their nominations today – do people care about this, I can never tell – and as usual, the fun part is figuring out who threw the best parties for the shady-ass HFPA voters based on their nominations. I’m going to assume Salmon Fishing in the Yemen, which grossed a measly $9 million in North America (plus a modest $25 million worldwide) and was reviewed at a tepid 67 percent on RottenTomatoes (with most of the positive ones not all that glowing), but managed to get best picture, best actress, and best actor nominations, with nary a Johnny Depp cameo to be found (foreigners love Johnny Depp, it’s science). Ewan MacGregor’s publicist must give one heck of a beej.

Best Motion Picture – Drama

“Argo”
“Django Unchained”
“Life of Pi”
“Lincoln”
“Zero Dark Thirty”

The insane thing about Zero Dark Thirty getting nominated in virtually every organizations’ nominations is that literally no one except awards voters has even seen it yet. Talk about knowing your audience.

Best Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical

“The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”
“Les Miserables”
“Moonrise Kingdom”
“Silver Linings Playbook”
“Salmon Fishing in the Yemen”

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama

Daniel Day-Lewis, “Lincoln”
Richard Gere, “Arbitrage”
John Hawkes, “The Sessions”
Joaquin Phoenix, “The Master”
Denzel Washington, “Flight”

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama

Marion Cotillard, “Rust and Bone”
Jessica Chastain, “Zero Dark Thirty”
Helen Mirren, “Hitchcock”
Naomi Watts, “The Impossible”
Rachel Weisz, “The Deep Blue Sea”

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical

Emily Blunt, “Salmon Fishing in the Yemen”
Jennifer Lawrence, “Silver Linings Playbook”
Judi Dench, “Best Exotic Marigold Hotel”
Maggie Smith, “Quartet”
Meryl Streep, “Hope Springs”

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Comedy Or Musical

Jack Black, “Bernie”
Bradley Cooper, “Silver Linings Playbook,”
Hugh Jackman, “Les Miserables”
Ewan McGregor, “Salmon Fishing in the Yemen”
Bill Murray, “Hyde Park on Hudson”

Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture

Anne Hathaway, “Les Miserables”
Helen Hunt, “The Sessions”
Amy Adams, “The Master”
Sally Field, “Lincoln”
Nicole Kidman, “The Paperboy”

Best Performance by an Actress In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture

Anne Hathaway, “Les Miserables”
Helen Hunt, “The Sessions”
Amy Adams, “The Master”
Sally Field, “Lincoln”
Nicole Kidman, “The Paperboy”

Best Performance by an Actor In A Supporting Role in a Motion Picture

Alan Arkin, “Argo”
Philip Seymour Hoffman, “The Master”
Christoph Waltz, “Django Unchained”
Leonardo DiCaprio, “Django Unchained”
Tommy Lee Jones, “Lincoln”

No McConaughey. For shame.

Best Director – Motion Picture

Ben Affleck, “Argo”
Ang Lee, “Life of Pi”
Steven Spielberg, “Lincoln”
Quentin Tarantino, “Django Unchained”
Kathryn Bigelow, “Zero Dark Thirty”

The thing about Best Director awards is that they’re based almost entirely on perception. We saw a movie, we can judge which movies we liked the best, but you get bunch of people together who didn’t witness a movie’s production and they’re supposed to be able to tell you who the best director was? It’d be like seeing the scores of a series of football games (just the scores, no video) and voting for “best coach.” You’re voting for mystique alone.

Best Screenplay – Motion Picture
“Silver Linings Playbook”
“Argo”
“Django Unchained”
“Zero Dark Thirty”
“Lincoln”

Best Animated Feature Film

“Brave”
“Frankenweenie”
“Wreck-it Ralph”
“Rise of the Guardians”
“Hotel Transylvania”

Hahahahahaha, Hotel Transylvania, hahahahahahaha.

Best Foreign Language Film
“The Intouchables”
“Amour”
“A Royal Affair”
“Rust and Bone”
“Kon-Tiki”

Best Original Score – Motion Picture

“Anna Karenina”
“Life of Pi”
“Argo”
“Lincoln”
“Cloud Atlas”

Best Original Song – Motion Picture

“FOR YOU”— “Act of Valor”
Music by: Monty Powell, Keith Urban Lyrics by: Monty Powell, Keith Urban
“NOT RUNNING ANYMORE” — “Stand Up Guys”
Music by: Jon Bon Jovi Lyrics by: Jon Bon Jovi
“SAFE & SOUND” — “The Hunger Games”
Music by: Taylor Swift, John Paul White, Joy Williams, T Bone Burnett Lyrics by: Taylor Swift, John Paul White, Joy Williams, T Bone Burnett
“SKYFALL” — “Skyfall”
Music by: Adele, Paul Epworth Lyrics by: Adele, Paul Epworth
“SUDDENLY” — “Les Miserables”
Music by: Claude-Michel Schonberg Lyrics by: Alain Boublil, Claude-Michel Schonberg

I like the idea that even if you’re adapting a 30-year-old stage musical like Les Miserables, you still have to write one original song. Otherwise, it couldn’t win an awards! Do musicians do that, where they record an entire album of cover songs, but make sure to include one token original so that they can win awards? How presumptuous is that? The Les Miserables tagline should be “Les Miserables: We made this to win awards.”

Check out WarmingGlow for the TV nominations. Gee, I wonder if Modern Family got anything.