“Now hug your mom before she has sex with the director.”

Opening Everywhere: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt. 2, Lincoln, Anna Karenina, Silver Linings Playbook

FilmDrunk Suggests: Vince and I saw the new film Hitler’s Children last night, and none of them grew up to be hot bisexual girls, so definitely don’t see that. As for everything else, yeesh. Nothing jumping off the monitor at me this weekend, so I’ll probably go see Skyfall again because it was awesome.

“Look… down there… it’s you sleeping with the director.”

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt. 2

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 53% critics (because these films are awful), 88% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“You’re going to hear a lot about Breaking Dawn Part 2 being the best of the Twilight movies. That’s like saying a simple head cold is preferable to swine flu.” – Peter Travers,Rolling Stone

“Fans will find a lot to love with Breaking Dawn Part 2, both expected and unexpected, and critics will find a non-stop checklist of laughable dialogue, poor acting and sub-par special effects.” -Rob Hunter, FilmSchoolRejects

Armchair Analysis: I’d love to celebrate that this is the end of this painfully annoying and poorly acted film franchise, but as soon as the blood on the tip of the wooden stake dries, they’ll be rebooting Stephanie Meyer’s books, because nobody has an original idea anymore.

“What did the ten fingers say to the South?”

Lincoln

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 90% critics, 83% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Lincoln offers proof of what magic can happen when an actor falls in love with his character. Because as great as Day-Lewis has been in his many parts, he has never seemed quite so smitten.” – Lisa Kennedy, Denver Post

“Day-Lewis’ voice is thin and reedy, which jibes with historical accounts but subverts our expectations. His attitude makes listeners lean in, and so do we, magnetized by his kindly reserve.” – Colin Covert, Minneapolis Star Tribune

Armchair Analysis: Yawn, just give Steven Spielberg and Daniel Day-Lewis all of the Oscars already.

[Vince's Note: Here's what I thought, in case anyone cares]

“Dost thou queefeth in front of me?”

Anna Karenina

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 65% critics, 61% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Without Tolsoy’s profound interior narration, Anna Karenina is just a soap opera, and for some reason director Joe Wright has decided to compound this problem with deliberate, showy artifice.” – JR Jones, Chicago Reader

“Often deliberately arch and formal, the performers have been instructed to emphasize the overwrought theatricality of Anna’s disapproving social set. What doesn’t emerge is Anna’s passion. Panic is more like it.” – Peter Rainer, Christian Science Monitor

Armchair Analysis: Hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll no.

 

This needs to be a jiggly GIF.

Silver Linings Playbook

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 90% critics, 87% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“It’s Lawrence who knocked me sideways. I loved her in Winter’s Bone and The Hunger Games but she’s very young – I didn’t think she had this kind of deep-toned, layered weirdness in her.” – David Edelstein, New York Magazine

“Cooper gives his most natural, affecting and compelling performance yet…Lawrence makes us forget her dewy youth just minutes into her brittle, biting turn as a woman whose unbalanced rage is even more cleverly concealed…” – Roger Moore, McClatchy-Tribune News Service

Armchair Analysis: I still don’t really know what this movie is about, but based on the commercials, I would totally let Jennifer Lawrence yell at me about the Philadelphia Eagles. What can I say? I’m a gentleman.

[Vince's Note: Again, here's what I thought.]