"Who wants to kiss Abe's Oscars?"
This post was originally pitched around the release of Lincoln, Steven Spielberg's cinematic ode to that one They Might Be Giants album, and how its arrival heralds the unofficial beginning of Oscar-bait season. But Les Miserables shot that peg in the head, so to speak, and one-upped Lincoln with its musical misery trailer.
Either way: for the next few months, movie studios are going to pay millions of dollars, on top of the hundreds of millions they've already spent, to convince us and Academy voters that their films are subjectively better than other studios' films. It's depressing, really, but hey, *lights cigar* it's Oscars season, baby. No matter how good they might be, both Les Mis and Lincoln look like they were made solely to win awards, as if no one at any point asked, "Does the world really need another Abraham Lincoln film?" No, it does not.
With all that in mind, here are 10 of cinema's most obnoxious tropes that you see in Oscar-bait film after Oscar-bait film, with two entries dedicated solely to the most shameless award-whore movies in recent history. And neither is Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. Yeah, they're that flagrant.
White man's burden
The only thing tougher than being black? Being white. You must take pity on the underprivileged non-Coldplay fans of the world, because if you don't, they're going to die in either a gang shootout or drug deal gone bad. There are no other options, and both involve guns pointed sideways.
Takes-no-sh*t suburban matriarch demands dim inner-city youth act more like her. Lots of pointing ensues. (The Blind Side)
ALL HAIL THE FLOATING HEAD OF SEAN CONNERY. Also, an easy way to spot a "white's man burden" film is to see if any promotional images feature the white guy in a suit and the black guy in "street" clothes. (Finding Forrester)
Octavia Spencer has the greatest "white people, right?" face ever. (The Help)
Magical negro
Related to "white man's burden," the "magical negro" is a black man (or sometimes Whoopi Goldberg) who exists only to assist and fix the struggles of the Caucasian protagonist. Coined by Spike Lee in reference to...
I was so stoked for The Legend of Bagger Vance when it came out. Will Smith was one of my favorite actors (obviously Independence Day, Men in Black, and Enemy of the State were and remain awesome, but 13-year-old me even liked Wild Wild West), and Charlize Theron was mighty purty. Despite the sleepy-sounding synopsis — "A down-and-out golfer attempts to recover his game and his life with help from a mystical caddy" — it never crossed my mind that Bagger would be offensively awful. I haven't accepted a black man's advice since.
Should have gotten Jazz instead. (The Family Man)
The Green Mile isn't as terrible as Bagger Vance and The Family Man, but if there was a "magical negro" exhibit in the Movie Trope Museum (located in the back alley behind Denny's), this image would be its Mona Lisa.
"Inspirationally Disadvantaged"
To quote TV Tropes, "the Inspirationally Disadvantaged Person superficially appears weak or downtrodden, but has hidden reserves of strength which often results in An Aesop."
To quote Kirk Lazarus, "Everybody knows you never go full retard."
Nightmare fuel. (I Am Sam)
If Forrest's hairstyle ever becomes ironically cool, we are doomed. (Forrest Gump)
Note how not only is "Charly" written in crayon, but also with a backwards "r." That's full retard. Not to be outdone, Precious gave its credit sequence backwards Rs and misspellings.
Radio (Radio)
I'm giving Radio its own page because it was an inspirational, based on a true story Disney movie set in the past about a black mentally handicapped man who couldn't read, yet constantly defied the expectations of the white folks in his town, including Academy Award-nominee Ed Harris. It was shameless in its cry for Academy attention, even more-so than I Am Sam (amusingly, if you Google Image search "radio cuba gooding jr," the related option is "i am sam"). Yet despite Radio having its legs wide open for Oscar, as if to invite him to fill a void, the film was shut out. But we'll never forget you, arms-spread-wide Cuba Gooding Jr. in a shopping cart.
Horses, just horses
More than any other animal trope, the "man/woman and his/her horse" story is the most popular come awards-season. Why is that? Are dogs too goofy looking? Cats too prissy? Why not naked mole rats? They're the horses of the underground. Judging by the pictures below, I'm going to guess it's because an actor or actress can look stoically into a horse's eyes. Can't do that with a naked mole rat.
"You and me/We used to be together..." (War Horse)
Pictured: Horse (L), Tobey Maguire (R) (Seabiscuit)
"Batman...?" (Secretariat)
Years later, Chloë Grace Moretz filed a restraining order against that horse. He knows what he did. (The Horse Whisperer)
Comical amount of former-Oscar winners/well-respected actors in one film
As if to scream, "WE'RE IMPORTANT. LOOK AT ALL THESE CELEBRITIES WE'VE GATHERED." More often than not, though, this leads to jumbled scripts that attempt to replicate Robert Altman's chaotic atmosphere, but end up trying to please everyone — and satisfy no one.
Anthony Hopkins, Sharon Stone, Laurence Fishburne, Demi Moore, William H. Macy, etc. (Bobby)
Sean Penn, Jude Law, Anthony Hopkins, Kate Winslet, Mark Ruffalo, Patricia Clarkson, etc. (All the King's Men)
Daniel Day-Lewis, Nicole Kidman, Judi Dench, Sophia Loren, Kate Hudson, Penélope Cruz, etc. (Nine)
Oscar-nominated example: Crash.
Oh god, Charlize, why?
The key to a woman winning an Oscar: turn yourself into an uggo, by Hollywood standards, at least.
Charlize Theron in Monster
Jessica Biel in Home of the Brave
Mariah Carey in Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire: Electric Boogaloo
Oscar-nominated example: Halle Berry in Monster's Ball.
New song, old work
Let's say you've run all out of ideas for new movies, but you still need to make one because the world as we know it would simply crumble if the McCallister family in Fartstink, Missouri, couldn't spend $50 at the local cinema. What do you do? You steal, I mean, adapt one from an existing source, like, say, a Broadway musical. But you also want an Oscar. Preexisting songs are exempt from the Academy Award for Best Original Song category, so to get around that rule, you keep the source material, but also add in an extra showstopper of a number, which is almost guaranteed to be nominated and terrible. Meh. Fartstink money > quality.
"You Must Love Me" by Madonna from Evita
"Cinema Italiano" by Kate Hudson from Nine
"Learn to be Lonely" by Minnie Driver from The Phantom of the Opera
Oscar-nominated example: "I Move On" from Chicago.
HOLOCAUST (obviously)
But the key isn't just to make a Holocaust movie — it's to make a Holocaust movie...with kids. It's an easy sentimental grab, and Academy voters are infamous for not recognizing when they're being pandered to. All they see is the twinkle in the eyes of the little sprite on-screen, not the comical dollar signs in the eyes of shameless producers who are thinking, Holocaust + Kids = Awards = $$$. It's ironic, really.
The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas
Life is Beautiful
Jakob the Liar
Oscar-nominated example: Life Is Beautiful.
Everything in The Reader
Seriously, this is the worst successful Oscar-bait film of all-time. Hey, remember when The Reader, in all its Holocaust-y, illiterate, white person staring vacantly at nothing, melodramatic, unrelentingly grim glory was nominated for Best Picture over The Dark Knight, WALL-E, The Fall, and Synecdoche, New York? That happened. Even the prospect of seeing Kate Winslet naked isn't worth it. In summation:
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/679/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Oscars-Seth-MacFarlane-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/03/TurnThisPlaneAround-150x150.gif)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/video-we-saw-your-junk-gives-seth-macfarlanes-boobs-song-a-sex-change-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/02/Harvey-Weinstein-2012-canne-150x150.jpg)
Chloe Moretz? That’s Scarlett Johannson. Moretz was a year old when that movie came out.
You’ll have to forgive Josh. He talks about Chloe a lot.
Yeah, he’s got some kinda sick obsession with her, guy’s a real perv.
I thought he meant the horse.
STOP BREAKING CHARACTER, HUGH JACKMAN! YOU’RE FALLONING UP THIS WHOLE DANCE NUMBER!
Coldplay sucks.
How would you rate moral/catchphrase goes turns the world on its head?
“You’re changin’ that boy’s life.” “No, he’s changing ours.”
“All this time we thought we were teaching Radio, but he was teaching us.”
“Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’.”
“Where’s your other hand?”
“Between two pillows.”
“Those aren’t pillows!”
@Otto
It took me a second to place the quote but then a lol’d.
I would also submit the unorthodox mentor who clashes with the protagonist at first, who is seen shedding a single tear in the final scene as the protagonist, having learned his mentor’s lesson, succeeds.
We call that the Lou Gossett Factor.
SEE ALSO: MEGATRON
FAHK YOU MAWK FRAHM AWK, STAWP SAYIN’ IT’S NAHT MY FAWLT.
Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!
What about talking robots that learn to feel? Short Circuit won a ton of Oscars.
I’m pretty sure Mark Wahlberg wasn’t in Short Circuit.
I drop cigar butts about as a form of Felix-bait.
I see what you did there. Bravo.
They should just make a movie called Magical Negro.
I would go see this. I’d have to buy my tickets online because I’d be afraid to say it out loud. But it would be worth it when the ticket taker smiled, took my ticket, then immediately changed expressions and pointed to my theater like Donald Sutherland at the end of Bodysnatchers.
Also, it would star Tom Hanks.
Maybe this is the parody movie like Airplane that Paul Thomas Anderson could make.
Without Cleavon Little and Gregory Hines, the best we could hope for is Morgan Freeman and James Earl Jones at this point.
There has to be an irrelevant but scene stealing performance from a much loved, respected old cunt – usually Dame Judi Dench – The Academy throws Oscars at that shit.
Good Job, Chalize.
Jessica, I’d still bang you in front of my wife’s family. You’re going to have to try harder.
Whatever you are, please don’t kill me, and what did you do with Mariah?
My favorite example of this is still Nicole Kidman in The Hours
“My God look at her nose! ACTING!”
Movies about getting/being sick are Oscar-bait tropes. Pretty much if you get sick but don’t turn into a flesh-eating freak, you’re shooting for an Oscar.
Damn, should’ve just called this “The 10 Most Obvious Examples of Film Critic’s White Guilt”.
pretty sure Kate Winslet won for The Reader
Laremy is going to kick so major ass for stealing his lists.
True story time!
We played TL Hanna HS every year when I played HS football. When we played at their place, Radio would stand grinning at the back of the endzone during pre-game warm-ups and yell what sounded like non-threatening gibberish at us. Yup, that dude inspired a movie.
Who do you want in the part in the remake? I’m thinking Charlie Day.
I find it hard to believe The Reader is worse than Crash. The only way I could see that happening is if watching The Reader gave you AIDS.
Why did you start adding Oscar-Nominated Examples on slide 7?
If it was to get me to scroll back through all of them to see if I just started noticing while muttering “What the fuck is the matter with this guy?” well, good sir….mission accomplished.
Another Oscar bait archtype is a chick playing a whore with a heart of gold.
To be fair to The Reader, Kate Winslet is naked in a lot of movies. Pick another.
Is there really a glut of Lincoln movies? I don’t recall ever seeing a biopic of Lincoln before Vampire Hunter.
Not since the 50s
Radio killed the video star.
“Why is that? Are dogs too goofy looking? Cats too prissy? Why not naked mole rats?”
Because they are NAKED, and they are MOLE RATS
You wrote this because of “Lincoln” but no section for “Biopic – overcoming all odds and naysayers” ?? The king’s speech, the Iron Lady, the queen, walk the line, Ray, milk…
Very good point, I complain about that all the time.
You could even have a special sub-section for English heads of state.
Also, movies during WWII (the military side as opposed to the Holocaust) = AHHHH YEAAAAAHH AWARDS TIME