"I mean, who the hell listens to Nicki Minaj?"

Last night, as I leaned in to listen to the presidential debate on the voice box with Margaret and the children, as the help served us oatmeal and biscuits, I noticed that DreamWorks had released a new TV spot for Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln, which tells the little-known story of America’s 16th president. Academy Award-winner Daniel Day-Lewis stars as Abraham Lincoln, who, as my Florida public education has taught me, was quite an exceptional man.

Born in Parts Unknown and raised by a man who could control only his left foot, Lincoln was a shy teenager who actually never wanted much to do with life in politics. During his sophomore year at Arizona State, Lincoln started a band that combined both rock and rap, and they played in a local park, hence their name – Savage Garden. Unfortunately, Lincoln’s girlfriend, Mary Tipper Gore, didn’t like that his band’s music used foul language, so she fought in Congress to give his band the death penalty. So Lincoln responded by becoming president and starting the Civil War.

But as the latest TV clip also showed us, Lincoln was actually immortal and fought against such evil forces as Gandhi and New York City. And none of this could have come at a better time than last night’s debate, as President Barack Obama (played by Terrence Howard) and Mitt Romney (played by Amanda Bynes) argued about bringing back MTV’s Rock N Jock Basketball. In conclusion, vote with your hearts.

On a side note, I was looking through the cast list on IMDB, and I noticed that John Wilkes Booth isn’t listed. I hope that’s because he’ll show up at the end, played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, and he’ll yell, “SIC SEMPER TYRANNOSAURUS!” and then just unload a heavy gun into Ford’s Theatre before he gets back into his giant truck and drives off, just like what happened on April 14, 1865.