"SportsCenter? Yeah, why the f*ck not."

Opening Everywhere: Taken 2, Pitch Perfect, Frankenweenie

FilmDrunk Suggests: Taken 2 if you’re a bro. Pitch Perfect if you’re a chick. Frankenweenie if you want to make your child cry.

"And after this ice cream, I'm going to sodomize some terrorists with my gun barrel."

Taken 2

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 18% critics, 86% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“There doesn’t seem to be a whole lot at stake in a movie where you can crash your way through the armed barricades at the American embassy with a stolen taxicab and survive without a scratch.” – Lou Lumenick, NY Post

“’Taken 2’ is nearly all nonsense, with villains so inept and slow-moving that there’s little satisfaction in watching Mills take them out.” – Rafer Guzman, Newsday

Armchair Analysis: If you check into this movie with any expectations other than Liam Neeson is a badass who can needlessly and effortlessly destroy bad guy after bad guy all while seemingly never in any real danger, then you’re dumb. This movie, much like The Expendables 2, was made simply because the audience really enjoyed a character that annihilates bad guys in a highly-entertaining fashion. To the critics who are bashing this movie, you are the problem, not Liam Neeson, not Taken 2. You.

Now the other one.

Pitch Perfect

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 76% critics, 87% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“What we have here is a not-very-funny college comedy for tweens, full of unappealing characters (and although the musical arrangements are fun, some truly unimaginative choreography).” – Stephen Whitty, Newark Star-Ledger

“Cannon doesn’t go in for rococo hipster badinage in the vein of Diablo Cody. She can pare down a joke to its essence …” – David Edelstein, New York Magazine (*peels off Friday’s Word of the Day toilet paper* ROCOCO!)

Armchair Analysis: As I’ve said before, while I hate anything that involves singing, I trust Kay Cannon and I like Rebel Wilson and Adam Devine. I’m giving this movie a chance, and it helps that Stephen Whitty doesn’t like it.

It's a ball, nerd.

Frankenweenie

Rotten Tomatoes Scores: 84% critics, 83% audience

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Designed to appeal to both discriminating adults and older kids, the gorgeous, black-and-white stop-motion film is a fresh, clever and affectionate love letter to classic horror movies.” – Michael O’Sullivan, Washington Post

“The most Tim Burton-y of the director’s films, and not just because it contains a vast catalog of references to his own movies – everything from ‘Edward Scissorhands’ to the underrated 1989 ‘Batman.’” – Lou Lumenick, NY Post

Armchair Analysis: Tim Burton’s schtick has long since worn off on me, as a child of the 80s and 90s who adored Beetlejuice and Edward Scissorhands. When I first saw the trailer for Frankenweenie, my only thought was that if Burton was trying to terrify children, then I’m guessing he’ll succeed. I’d never take a kid to see this, mainly because I don’t want to be the father in the upcoming articles about dogs being tortured by children with jumper cables.