Do it, Jean-Claude! Do the splits and blunt his sword with your flexible groins!

If you think Johnny Depp is the only famous actor getting into the face-paint game, think again, hotshot. Karate-kicking daddies Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren are both greased up like Kiss rejects for Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning, whose red-band trailer just hit the web (cut by the director, John Hyams, who also did the landmark MMA doc The Smashing Machine). It also stars Van Damme’s son, Kris, Roy Jones Jr. and Andrei Arlovski, making it sort of a less-old Expendables. You might rightly expect whatever number Universal Soldier this is to be a direct-to-DVD sh*tpile, but this one has, surprisingly been picking up largely positive reviews. Indiewire went so far as to say it’s better than Skyfall. Hey, if a Dredd movie can be good I’ll believe anything. So far, Jen Yamato’s is the only mildly negative one on RottenTomatoes, but that’s why I always put up the “NO GIRLS ALLOWED” sign on our couch cushion fort before we watch Dolph Lundgren movies. GIRLS! YUCK!

Maybe girls would like these movies more if they just gave them less bellicose titles – like Universal Soldier: Tickle Fight, or Assassins 3: Shabby Chic. Just an idea. You can keep that one.

Hits theaters November 30th, but you can get it on VOD starting tomorrow.

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-”Watch me do da spleets!” -”NO NOT AGAIN!”

Does this beret make my head look misshapen?

This blackface party looks rambunctious.