JUST SIT BACK WHILE TRENT AND PAMELA TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THEIR TRIP TO CAPE COD!
Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 opens November 16th and Summit just released this new clip, called “Acting Human,” in which the other vampires attempt to teach vampire Bella how to pass as human, while Taylor Lautner just sits there with all the charisma of a balloon with abs drawn on it. If you always hated Twilight because you thought vampires were supposed to be scary, you’re going to love this clip, because these vampires are f*cking terrifying. My fear of having my blood sucked by undead minions of Satan pales in comparison to that of being stuck at a crustless sandwich party with a bunch of cardigan-wearing conformity monsters with pearls and conservative haircuts who drink Pinot Gris and talk about the weather. Just look at these zombified assholes literally telling Bella how to fake being human in order to fit in:
Wait. Hold on. Have I… have I actually been misreading Twilight all along? Is the vampirism actually just a metaphor for the soul-sucking ennui and oppressive conformity of white upper middle class existence? Vampires that are so neutered that they only drink animal blood, living a sanitized existence with a constant stifling of their base urges and practicing abstinence and procreative-only sex until it literally tears them up inside? Dear God, it all makes sense! It’s like American Psycho with sparkly eunuch vampires! MY GOD, I THINK I FINALLY UNDERSTAND!
I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion. There is an idea of a Peter Facinelli; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my side part, and you can touch my cardigan and feel cashmere against your skin and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable… I simply am not there.
LOOK AT THAT HAIR AND FACE! There is no way that’s not a critique of bored, white, Middle America. You are not your cardigan. You are not your f*ckin’ side part.
And in case you’re on the fence about seeing this, might I remind you that this is a real gif from the movie:
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/Morgan-Freeman-last-vegas-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/if-i-showed-you-all-the-money-shots-in-pacific-rim-youd-have-a-70-minute-orgasm-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/trailer-rapture-palooza-starring-craig-robinson-and-anna-kendrick-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/05/About-Time-POster-150x150.jpg)
Eat it. Out loud, eat it.
Unrealistic, ridiculous, incomprehensible if Armond didn’t beat you to this deconstruction by years.
I still think this has all been some kind of elaborate James Franco dicknose endeavor.
THERE
IS
NO
WAY
THIS
IS
REAL
…
Damnit, I really though that was going to end up spelling something profound.
I think there’s a mistake with embedded video. Where’s the clip from the vampire movie? That’s a clip of a bunch of actors teaching Kirsten Stewart how to act human.
So then Taylor Lautner represents the minorities that are forced to adhere and conform to these norms while secretly rebelling.
Or a llama? He’s just a llama.
Take back what you just said about Ashley Greene.
Relacks Uguyz. JEEEZit only looks awkwurd bcawz they havint added the luaghtrack yet.
So, they have to teach her how to act human, even though she’s been human for almost 20 years and a vampire for all of 13 minutes? Yes, I will watch this like it’s The Room.
DUN’T JAS LEWK AT CEWGAR, BALLA – EET IT!
We ALLLLL bundle.
STAHP IT BALLA, EWE ARE TARRING ME AAPART!
I don’t watch trailers. And on a related note; I’m looking forward to this. Mostly because I can watch anything drunk and also because while the main three cast members are dead to me, the family and that group of law vamipires or whatever & bellas dad all amuse me. Yeah I do actually regret sitting the last two (I have to look up how many movies there’s been?) though. I liked the first one. Oh and Anna Kendrick and that hot indian chick that Lautner keeps turning down because he’s attracted to mentally deficient mice.
No doubt in my mind that cunt Kristen Stewart made the producers put a clause in her contract demanding Ashley Greene cut her hair because she’s so much hotter than Stewart. That haircut is fucking awful and Ashely Green is an ANGEL.
Haven’t never seen any of the Twilight movies, I just now realized that the dad vampire is Jennifer Love Hewitt’s douchebag boyfriend in Can’t Hardly Wait. (Yes, I realize I just admitted to watching Can’t Hardly Wait)
There’s nothing wrong with that.
Real Talk: Breaking Dawn pt. 1 was the comedy of the year last year. I am looking forward to my only ab workout of the year when I inevitably watch this wife my SO.
There is no hope for humanity.