"I came here to kick ass and make bird hats, and I'm all out of birds."
Word up, kemosuaves. Everyone’s favorite WASP Armie Hammer (the perfect choice for making Johnny Depp seem ethnic) was on Leno last night where he premiered the first trailer for The Lone Ranger, the over-budget, $250-million-plus train western from Gore Verbinski and Jerry Bruckheimer. This is the part of every Jerry Bruckheimer marketing campaign (again, I point out that Bruckheimer hasn’t made a good movie since his partner Don Simpson died) where he tricks me with his flashy visuals and period garb into almost wanting to see his movie. DAMN YOU, BRUCKHEIMER! YOU KNOW GUNS AND TOP HATS ARE MY WEAKNESS! But I know I’ll show up hoping for a straight period piece like Boardwalk Empire and I’ll get Kangaroo Jack with different costumes like always. Remember Kangaroo Jack? It’s about a CGI kangaroo that raps.
Johnny Depp’s Tonto has the potential to be incredibly racist, like an American Indian Al Jolson in crowface, but sadly, I’m not seeing it just yet. Just as a side note, “Tonto” means dummy or fool in Spanish, which sort of makes me wish for a version of the Lone Ranger where his sidekick was a little Mexican kid with Down’s Syndrome. We could get Crispin Glover to direct. Discuss.
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“Bill, look out! I think there’s an injun tryna couple with yer train!”
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I’ll wait for the inevitable porn version, “The Bone Ranger.” Sounds classy.
Oh jeez, not Helena Bonham Carter again. I thought she was Tim Burton’s wife, not Johnny Depp’s.
Hollywood law: Where there are bustiers, there is Helena Bonham Carter.
She looks pretty awful in that still.
Compared to normally though that’s the best she’s looked in years.
It’s only time before Tim Burton remakes Fight Club and casts Johnny Depp as both the Narrator and Tyler Durden.
Only time? A matter of.
I bet JD’s accessories would be fabulous for the “Fight Club” remake.
The bird hat looks even more ridiculous in motion.
Short of wearing, say, a live badger on his head, how is Johnny Depp ever going to top that?
A live badger on his head you say? Jeeves, to the script room, and bring my ivory fountain pen!
I wonder if little boy Johnny Depp knew that one day he would grow up to be a Venn diagram between Burton movies and facepaint movies.
How do you nominate someone for comment of the week again?
Tonto rides the irony horse. That’s so meta.
So is there a tie in between Tonto’s magic hat and the perpetual bird shit running down his face?
Everyone knows you never go full redarded.
So his spirit animal is a train?
His spirit animal is cash. And the Viper Room.
Graham Greene is rolling over in his grave.
Man…I’m just not feeling much compulsion to give a sh*t about this, even though I want to. “He who controls Train controls the Universe!” Huh? Why? Apparently there are roving convoys of battletrains? You’re doing a bloody bad job of illustrating the opposing forces we’re going to spend 2 and a half hours watching fight it out.
I see a jail cell, a board room, a train sliding into first base, unconnected disposal of a body for some reason, a kid tossing someone an improbably important single bullet…perhaps I’m thick, but I just don’t get it.
The spi-uh- trains must flo-uh- run!
So basically this is “Sherlock Homes: A Game of Lassos”.
And Helena Carter.
Terrific.
with leftover costumes and scene backdrops from “John Carter”
“Hey, we paid for em, gonna use em.”
The CGI train at :27 looks almost real.
Also, does anyone know when CGI Train drops their next single?
God Dammit is it in Depp’s contract now that Helena Bonam Carter has to be given a part? I bet Tim Burton just stood in his drive way as his Depp and wife drove to the set in the morning, just looking down at the black tiles of his macabre driveway thinking about how left out he felt.
Not to go all Iron Eyes Cody but shouldn’t they have had Johnny Accoutrements play Lone Ranger and gotten a real Injun (I’m 1/4 so not raycess) as Tonto?!
/keep ‘murrica beautiful
I think Depp is a significant amount of Cherokee
As in, he drives a Jeep one.
He and Espera Oscar de Corti both.
I want that one grunted line from Tonto to be Depp’s first line and then he cracks a huge smile, drops into that faux-British/Madonna thing he does in interviews and says, “Naw, I’m just fuckin’ with you. I went to college.” That way when the audience laughs at that, I’ll know to burn the theater down and those trapped inside won’t be missed.
Can’t wait for the rifftrax version.
Is the Monument Valley in there as an homage to old westerns? There are better rock formation out there. You think for $250 million, they would have put a little more effort into it. I mean they put Havasu falls in “Next,” and that movie was a quarter of the price of this piece of crap.
“Sorry Mr. Verbinski, if you want to rent the little hat/giant wig combo it comes with the Helena Bonam Carter already underneath. You can try to remove it, but you might lose your deposit.”
I call my cancer riddled friend “Chemosabe”.
+1
COTW
Daniel Day-Lewis was originally approached to play Tonto. After thinking it over, he said, “Hmmm…I’d have to have a complete blood transfusion with Native American blood…then I’d have to be officially inducted into an actual tribe, undergoing that painful Man called Horse ‘hung up by your tits’ initiation…then I’d have to kill and scalp at least 3 of my enemies…live in a buffalo-hide tent for a year…OK, I’ll do it!” Then he saw the costume design sketches and said “A bird hat?! Screw you! I’m out!”
HOT. GARBAGE.
The movie is called “The Lone Ranger” and yet Tonto get’s top billing… god damned affirmative action!
For me watching Kangaroo Jack was about trying to see Estella Warren in something sheer.
Helena Bonhan Carter strikes me as a woman who’d explode if actually exposed to sunlight.
“The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.” was 10x more entertaining for 0.10% of the budget.
Hmmm, I’m on the fence about this one. At least I can look forward to Pirates of The Caribbean 6. Armie Hammer? Weird name. Fun fact: Armie Hammers father Armand Hammer owned stock in Church and Dwight. The companies brand name Arm & Hammer did not originate with Armand Hammer. Coincidence or opportunistic narcissist?
damn, the crap movies never stop coming.
Hmmm,I know this name,as having something to do with Piggy D . I thought it was Piggs,and a bunch of his buddies ,doing a possible band with this name,or something piggy was doing with these guys .
John 5 may have been one of them,but I don’t *think* so ….
This goes back to about…2006 ?
I am pretty sure this is also a song on one of Robs albums,from when Piggy first joined as Robs bassist .
There used to be MySpace pages for all the lords of Salem members,and Rob wasn’t one of them .
Curious …..
God damn it,I posted on the wrong page .Sorry
He who controls the train controls the universe and time .. Well i say universe i mean he controls the train controls anything along or adjacent to the train line, and the only time you control is when the CGI train is travelling ..
Infact ignore the trains we’ve spent $250 million to get Johnny Depp to ‘Black up’ in a bird Hat