Spoiler alert: One of these three actors shows her breasts in the movie.
First things first: There’s a brand new deluxe blu-ray box set of the Indiana Jones films out today. Yes, it includes the fourth one, but no, you shouldn’t bitch about it because it really isn’t that much worse than the other three. As for truly new DVDs, there’s The Cabin In The Woods, and a bunch of other crap that isn’t nearly as good. We’ve got Olivia Munn, Morgan Freeman, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Adrien Brody, Pierce Brosnan, Ethan Hawke, and Michael Biehn. There’s zombies vampires, sharks, dragons, and even an angel. What more could you want?
The DVDs:
The Cabin In The Woods
The Babymakers
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
The Magic Of Belle Isle
Hysteria
Detachment
Conception
Salvation Boulevard
The Woman In The Fifth
The Revenant
The Do-Deca-Pentathlon
The Victim
Bait
Dawn Of The Dragonslayer
Godforsaken
Battlefield America
You want to know which movie is all about vibrators? Want to know which one is full of old British people? Maybe they are the same movie. The only way to know for sure is to continue reading on the next page. If you find the thought of dried up, old women with bad teeth drilling themselves with power dildos off-putting, click here for the Netflix suggestions, because I always keep those nice and classy.
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Olivia Munn may be a pandering fake ladder climber, but god that bitch is hot.
I feel it only fair to point out that I have never seen Road House or Point Break, but I have seen Dirty Dancing
…and I’m listening to your advice on what films to watch… why?
Well, I’ve seen all of those Swayze films and at least he’s right.
But yes, you should still move forward on impeachment procedings.
Well fake a midget’s death and stuff him in my den, Morton lost me as soon as he said the 4th Indy flick wasn’t any worse than the other three.
::lights torch, reaches for pitchfork::
Four things I think I think I think:
1. The poster makes it look like Morgan Freeman plays the caretaker for a family of tiny white folks.
a) I would watch that movie.
2. Conception trailer capture: I had no idea the Joker got a boob-job.
3. Pierce Brosnan “fingers” Greg Kinnear? Oscar bait.
4. Olivia Munn must have some kind of “lying on her stomach with one leg in the air and her mouth open” clause in her contract.
b) Not really complaining (though I wish it were someone I could stand).
Ha, thank you for that opening comment about Indiana Jones 4. I know people love to shit on that film, and sure, it’s nowhere near ‘Raiders’ or ‘Crusade’, but have you watched ‘Temple of Doom’ lately? I think people forget how much worse it is than the first and third. Kate Capshaw damn near ruined that film.
No. You are absolutely wrong. Temple of Doom is so unfairly maligned I don’t even know where to begin. Temple of Doom is fantastic. Crystal Skull is so, SO much worse than any of the other Indiana Joneseses.
Kate Capshaw played a spoiled, screaming damsel, and she played it perfectly. I don’t know how else she COULD have been played.
JustinJumpOffACliff
Indiana Jones 4 has CGI gophers and Shia lebouf playing a tough guy who swings through the jungle with monkies then does gay ass fencing between moving vehicles. Its probably worse than when my mom died.
JustinJumpOffACliff?
REALLY?? God damn, son. Rod Flanders over here.
I haven’t started reading the descriptions yet, but please Lord, let Dawn Of The Dragonslayer be the vibrator movie.
I was just about to make this same joke
‘Do-Deca-Pentathlon’ DOESN’T MAKE A GODDAMN LICK OF SENSE, GAAH!
#Greekrage
Did anyone see The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel? Which one of them dies?
Old Yeller.
Not racist if it’s jaundice.
one of them!
I didn’t read Where the Red Fern Grows but it just sounds like a bunch of Commie bullshit to me.
I was half-hoping when I watched Dawn Of The Dragonslayer that it was going to be some sort of tie-in to Dragonslayer from 1981. Nope, nope and nope.
Asylum films have better writing/directing/editing than this, um, film.
Donnie Darko does have crazy fans, but I still like it. Also, people go on about how deep and whatnot it is, but it doesn’t get enough credit for being funny.
And Sparkle Motion is basically the best.
I remember liking Donnie Darko when it came out. Not LOVING, but liking it, maybe even a lot…mainly for its originality. Throughout the years I’ve sloooowly done an almost imperceptible 180 to it, and I fucking LOATHE it now. I hate everything about it, up to and including “Sparkle Motion.”
Richard Kelly can lick my butthole.
SOMETIMES I DOUBT MY OWN COMMITMENT TO SPARKLE MOTION!
But I always come around. I’ll even defend Southland Tales on occasion.
As someone who took dance lessons in the late ’80s and early ’90s, I am endlessly amused by Sparkle Motion’s combination of glitzy costumes, cheesy dance moves and overly-committed mothers.
It’s so accurate!
I also always wondered who no one gives it credit for being funny.
Defending Southland Tales is an early sign of dementia. In fact, it was Southland Tales that made me go back and realize that Donnie Darko was, in fact, NOT all that and a bag of chips. If ever there was a film to be appropriately booed at Cannes, Southland Tales is the one. And I’m being way to kind in describing it as a “film” in the first place.
Southland Tales is one the most honest depictions of late capitalism ever committed to film. It is Idiocracy with the laughs replaced by sobs.
Might have started as trolling a few years ago but I’ve managed to convince myself. Repetition in the brain pan.
@Shop 101
No. It is NOT. It is none of the things you said. It is a messy train-wreck of a satirical parody of an actual movie. It defecates on the very IDEA of an actual movie.
Actually, no….your SECOND statement was dead-on….just that the sobs come from the audience, ZING.. And actually, sure, for argument’s sake, let’s say that YES, it IS an honest depiction of “late capitalism” (hand-wank motion)….it still has no idea as to how a film should be structured or paced or how actors should act, or even be cast, for that matter.
An honest depiction still needs to be made with some modicum of discipline. And I dunno…be entertaining? If it’s not too much to ask.
Nope.
Clearly.
I enjoy Donnie Darko. That is all and that is all a movie needs to be. But kind of feel like if “JustinJump” (If that is even your real name) hates it. Well then I am probably going to enjoy it.
Jesus Morton. I’m sure you’re a good dude, but in this article you come off like Chuck Klosterman, without the insight, research or resume.
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel was actually really good (but then again I actually like good actors – Judi Dench, Bill Nighy, Dev Patel). Detachment has Bryan Cranston and Isaiah Whitlock Jr., I mean…that alone makes it worthy of a rental.
And there’s so many “baby making” movies because the “internet” generation is entering their mid-30′s, when a lot of couples – wait for it – make babies.
This post made me crabby. I’m sorry, I think I just need a nap.
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel may be awesome, but that doesn’t mean the trailer and synopsis aren’t awfully grandma-baity, and I don’t see a lot of grandmas reading FilmDrunk. Detachment could have Bryan Cranston eating out Christina Hendricks and I would still make fun of the pretentiousness of calling your film a ‘talkie’.
Thanks for the tip on babymaking movies. I had never thought of it, and certainly wasn’t just trying to point out that they’ve all come out on DVD in the past month, which seems really kind of odd for a trend that should really be more spread out. I certainly wasn’t just looking for a generic intro that I could segue into an orgy joke.
Lastly, Chuck Klosterman may have a long resume, but nobody does as much research as I do, and since when was any of this about insight?
Also, serious question: Dev Patel’s a good actor? In what? All I’ve seen of his work was Slumdog, and I thought he was just barely okay.
*Blows out candle, wishes for Dave Attell to replace Dev Patel*
::adds “Bryan Cranston eating out Christina Hendricks” to fapbank::
Bam and Salt gets the gas face!!1 BUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRN!!
The Duplass brothers have yet to make a movie that doesnt make me want to punch them in the face.
I see Mr Salt has taken a page out of Armond’s guide to Epic Trolling.
Why? The Indy comment? I was being honest; they’re all really silly, but I do admit the fourth is the worst of the series, I just don’t see as big a quality-gap among the flicks as most people tend to.
I still love ya man. ::brohug:: But I think you need to watch the first 3 again.
Raiders – The boulder, the Nazi getting propeller-ed, wrath of god nazi face melting finale, did I mention Nazis? Set the bar for all adventure flicks thereafter.
Temple – the racism, the unintentional racism, the giant snake dinner, Dokka Jones slapping around Capshaw, KALI MA SHUK TI DAY. Underrated epic sequel.
Crusade – more hilarious racism, more nazis, Sean Connery named him after the dog, tank chase off a cliff, Maester Pycelle chooses poorly. Perfect over the top finale to the trilogy.
Crystal Skull – FUCK YOU LUCAS, DIDN’T FUCKING HAPPEN, THERE WAS NO FOURTH MOVIE GODDAMMIT SPEILBURG WHYYYYYYY ::looks into the Ark, face melts::
I think you’ve proven my point quite nicely.
The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull sucked because it was an action/adventure starring a 70 year old man. Sometimes it’s just that simple.
Also it was made by a bunch of old men too. That’s why it doesn’t have anything resembling the spark and wit of the original trilogy.
I’m titling this weekly breakdown ‘Validity Lost’ and sadly walking away.
I’m not saying you’re not entitled to think these things of some of my favorite movies, but we come from different sides of the tracks you and me, and our love will never be.
Be specific. What did I think about which movies? If it’s the Indiana Jones business, I never said I didn’t like them -just that the fourth one isn’t that much different from the previous three.
Crystal Skull is far and away the worst, but Temple of Doom is quite a piece of shit too. You could call it a classic in a sarcastic way, I guess.
I can recognize, in a cinematic sense, that Temple of Doom is the silliest of the original trilogy, but I don’t give a fuck….Temple of Doom is my favorite Indiana Jones. I recognize that Raiders is the best one. I recognize that Last Crusade is the most sophisticated one. But when I was a kid, Temple of Doom was like crack to me. Nazis are cool, black magic voodoo cults are COOLER. Indiana Jones has always been pulp; Temple of Doom is a straight IV drip of pulp. Which is why I’ve never understood the hate for it from fans of the others.
I call it a classic with a stone face while I coolly sip from my glass of whiskey, never breaking eye contact.
Crystal Skull, on the other hand, has actual, fundamental filmmaking FLAWS. Temple of Doom shits all over Crystal Skull.
::high fives Justin::
I really enjoyed Cabin in the Woods. So did the couple in their mid-80s who were sitting a few rows in front of me when I saw it. Those are some weird demographics. Or awesome old people.
Joss is the conduit we ALL NEED
I would say that Super Troopers is one of those movies that’s more fun to quote afterwards than it is to actually watch. Napoleon Dynamite is the Citizen Kane of movies like this.
I could see that.
I’d say it’s probably more fun if you didn’t have it hyped up to you for years. Comedy is always better when it’s somewhat unexpected.
Also agreed. It was as much a fault of my own expectations as anything else.