"You want your milk pasteurized?" "No, only up to my ass crack."
That’s right folks, Snow White And The Huntsman is the hot new release this week. There’s also What To Expect When You’re Expecting, so it’s a big week for ladies with poor taste in movies, I guess. There’s also films starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Sean Bean, Ray Liotta, Sean Astin, and Tom Sizemore. We’ve got movies about militant Mexicans, ill-advised adoptions, teen prostitutes, and super hero party clowns. There’s even some non-super heroic clowns, but they still look like they party!
The DVDs:
Snow White And The Huntsman
What To Expect When You’re Expecting
Lola Versus
Girl In Progress
Goats
6 Bullets
Cleanskin
Bad Karma
For Greater Glory
Adopting Terror
Elles
Stealing Las Vegas
Game Of Life
Rosewood Lane
Letting Go
Super Hero Party Clown
Scary Or Die
Beyond The Black Rainbow
After The Triumph Of Your Birth
Future World: City Of Mass Destruction
Want to know which film is written and directed by a convicted child molester? Continue reading. Want to know which film is NC-17? Continue reading. Want to skip right to the boring Netflix suggestions? Click here, but you did notice I mentioned teen prostitutes, right?
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If you actually liked Aeon Flux… Don’t watch Aeon Flux. If you have no idea what that means then please enjoy.
Yeah, I’ve never seen the show, I can only assume the movie’s even worse if you have.
It started out on MTV in ancient times when they had cool stuff on like Liquid Television. Peter Chung is the animator/creator and my favorite way to describe his stuff is if you took the Matrix and Fight Club and filtered them through Cronenburg’s brain and had Bill Plimpton animate the result.
Liquid Television might be the greatest thing MTV ever aired. That, and The Grind.
I was gonna say The State.
Ok, that too.
Well I dont think C-Tates would even exist in the first place without The Grind.
C-Tates Origin Story: He was conceived during an episode of The Grind when Simon Rex traveled back through time and banged a Fly Girl on set during filming. Nobody could tell they were doing it because drugs.
Aeon Flux and The State were the last shows worth watching on MTV.
I remember enjoying Clone High
I’m not going to see any of these movies* but I will just let everyone know:
a) I would do Vera Farmiga goaty-style (it’s like doggy-style but the woman has to make goat noises)
b) am I the only person who confused Corbin Blue with Corbin Bernsen? I never saw a millisecond of any High School Musical film but I would also do Ashley Tisdale goaty-style.
*full disclosure and spoiler: I did see Snow White and the Huntsman and Charlize Theron is a g-d tease in that milk bath. And yes, I would…goaty-style.
Yumpin’ yiminy, Ray Liotta turned up uncredited in Wanderlust and another film I can’t quite remember. Normally I’d say prodigious drug habit but he may actually be sleeping in a cardboard box somewhere on the studio lot.
“Of course I’m an easy sell, because clowns terrify me -as they would anyone who watched the original broadcast of IT as a nine-year-old”
You are not alone buddy… fucking clowns.
I hope the resolution in Lola Versus is that she fucks Kristen Stewart’s director. Empowering, but also pragmatic.
/Lola vs. Kramer vs. Kramer vs. Joe vs. The Volcano vs. The People vs. Larry Flynt vs. Alien vs. Predator vs. Cowboys vs. Aliens vs. Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ecks vs. Sever vs. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World vs. Brown vs. Board of Education
Well done.
Snow White is a sore subject for me–I auditioned to play the Guntsman.
/this Pudding Cleanse is not working
Tuppence Middleton is pretty good, but there’s a British TV-actress named Honeysuckle Weeks. If those two ever co-star in a movie with Benedict Cumberbatch, I’m pretty sure it means you guys have to re-join the Empire.
Let’s not forget Imogen Poots.
Honeysuckle Weeks sounds to me like she is the second runner-up in a Miss Teen Alabama pageant.
Had to re-read that a few times until it stopped turning into Miss Teen Alabama Pregnant in my head. Because that’s a pageant I would actually watch.
I enojoyed? Appreciated? Black Death. Thought that was definitely worth watching.
In other news Peter O’Toole is still alive…..
Black Death is awesome.
And Sean Bean does go topless in that movie BTW.
I now must see beyond the black rainbow. Everything else here looks worse than a trip to the dentist when you were a kid.
The worst thing I have ever seen: [www.amazon.com]
What?! That sounds like a heartwarming tale of a boy and his dickants.
I’m almost tempted to buy it just to have that cover in my collection.
After the Victor Salva flick, you really should have had a better Netflix list. Maybe Chinatown or The Pianist.
True story, Chinatown is coming out in theaters near me again this Thursday. I am content.
I thought about doing a Polanski tribute, but I suggested The Pianist just last week.
Heh heh heh… you said pianist..
There’s a red-band trailer for Elles, but sadly no boobs. Just a couple implied beej shots. [www.hulu.com]
Future World is like the FMV from a shitty, long-forgotten early-’90s video game given sentience and seeking revenge 20 years later. Holy damn…
I totally thought of ’90s FMV games as well.
You mean Future World isn’t a sequel to Night Trap?
Goats and Elles is also streaming. Just watched Elles. It was ok, but if Juliette Binoche wasn’t in it it would have been worse.
There are indeed tits and a couple hot sex scenes.
i feel i must try and defend the following list of movies you seem to have not liked (might have actually misses some) reindeer games, powder, johnny english …i also liked goats and ca$h was enjoyable from what i can remember.
in aeon flux i think theron in underwear and a thin material covering mostly just her chest was pretty great. and i’m greatful that that “goatse” link was no worse than a description of the site.
Reindeer Games- I think it’s a fun watch, but man is the story awfully stupid.
Powder -Horrible film
Johnny English -A great let down if you enjoy Atkinson’s TV work (Mr. Bean before the films, Black Adder)
Goats -Maybe it is good, but the trailer is awful
Ca$h -Didn’t say it looked good or bad either way. Glad you enjoyed it; maybe I will too.
Aeon Flux -I recommended it on the basis of the costumes, didn’t I.
Goatse- I wanted to build a false sense of security and then horrify you with the anal fissures link.
fortunately i figured i knew well enough what an anal fissure was based on the name and did not click that link.
Oh, you should click it. It’s just the visual from Wikipedia. Kind of interesting, actually.