Civil Love

Speaking of Dove-approved Westerns, not only did this film get awarded the full five Doves, it even has the Dove seal of approval right there on the box cover!  Anyhow, this film is about a northern Civil War widow who takes in a wounded Confederate soldier. Obviously they fall in love.  Get it?  Instead of Civil War it’s Civil Love!  Needless to say, this looks about as well-made as Renegade, which is to say, not at all.  Plus a word of warning from the Dove Foundation regarding nudity:  ‘Man’s stomach and chest is seen as he is treated for a gunshot wound’.  For real, my web browser’s got a new homepage.

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Pawn’s Move

Holy crap that’s a big Dove foundation seal of approval on the box cover.  They must really be proud of their five dove rating.  (I’m beginning to wonder what knocked Renegade down to only three Doves.  Was it because the star went on to such filth as Gossip Girl?)  Anyhow if you aren’t scared off by the graphic drug use in Pawn’s Move (‘Wine with a meal.’), you’re in for a treat because this is one of my favorite types of Christian films: the kind with a crazy, stupid plot and unbelievably inauthentic dialogue.  Jimmy works at a pawn shop, but he has to escape his gold-digging girlfriend (you can tell she’s no good because she looks like she’s on Jersey Shore), so after Jimmy wins the lottery he flees to some other small town and meets a good, god-fearing girl (you can tell she’s holy because she doesn’t wear much makeup, and also there’s a close up of her bible), but how can he reveal the truth to her without making his whereabouts known to the succubus he left behind?  Choice bits of dialogue from the trailer include:  On the subject of chess -“So have you ever played before?  The goal is to clear the way to the king.”  On the subject of Jimmy himself –“I’m just trying to move toward the goodness of God.”  (Oh, I get it now.  That’s why he says his name is Jimmy Pawn. Because he’s trying to move toward the King.  Just like a pawn.  Clever.)  On the subject of following God’s will: “To blame your failure on providence is to miss the point. To see the blessings you’ve got to move through the failures.”  And lastly, on dating: “I was trying to bless you.”  That’s the greatest Christian pick-up line since, “He is risen!”

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More Than Chance

Kelsey is a two-year old Russian orphan adopted by American parents.  Her dad shakes her so violently that she becomes a paraplegic. Her dad goes to prison, and Kelsey gets a new family that lets her know that, with God, anything is possible and she realizes her dream of becoming a paraplegic ballerina.  For real.  There’s even a shot of her in her f*cking wheelchair ‘dancing’.  This true story shows us that with God, nothing is left to chance.  It was all part of God’s plan that young Kelsey was born in a hellish orphanage, and it was also part of God’s plan that she, as a two-year-old,  would be beaten so severely that she loses the use of her legs.  Without those hardships, she would never become a ballerina, or a movie star.  That’s right, the real Kelsey plays herself in this inspiring drama that the Dove Foundation gave four Doves.  Now I’ve got nothing against a young girl finding religion amidst some truly horrifying hardships.  Just so, I don’t give a f*ck that she’s a wheelchair ballerina because, honestly, the thought of all the would-be ballerinas busting their asses only to be told, “Sorry, the role of The Swan has been given to Wheelie McJesus” is downright hilarious to me.  What bothers me is that -at best- there are people in this girl’s life who think her story is so inspirational (and not in a ‘power-of-the-human-spirit’ kind of way, but rather in the ‘ain’t-Jesus-amazing?-We-can-use-this-girl’s-tragic-life-to-get-more-converts’ kind of way) and -at worst- they know full well that she is being exploited like a dancing rolling monkey, and they don’t care because, hey, it’s for Jesus.  Obviously, the Dove folks love this flick.  Why wouldn’t they?  The general message is that if life gives you lemons, make a movie and give the profits to the church.  Of course the Dove Foundation does warn that ‘a girl shows disrespect to her mother’ but she ‘changes by film’s end’.  Jesus f*cking Christ, Dove!  How about a spoiler alert?

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The Guest House

You know what I hate?  The scenes in porn where people aren’t having sex.  I don’t care about the ‘story’; if I did I would be watching a proper film and not porn. Just get on with the double-anal/double-vag penetration.  Maybe toss in some gag-reflex fellatio and some salad-tossing.  I’m easy to please, just stop pretending there is a plot.  I hate it.  You know what I hate more than that?  This film.  If the trailer is any indication, it’s a porno with all the sex cut out. Two young ladies discover their latent lesbianism –allegedly.  I’m not reading into the trailer what’s not really there, either.  The official synopsis is full of phrases like “this year’s guiltiest pleasure for lesbian movie lovers”.  Oh wait, I get it now. They must mean that the movie lovers are lesbians -which I’m not- and that probably explains this whole mix-up.  My mistake.  Proceed with your boring looking and poorly acted film about two women riding bicycles, singing poorly, and making heart-shaped handshakes that frame the sunset.  I’m gonna go back to jerking off while reading the Dove Foundation’s review of Hostel: Part II.  Dove warns us: “Kid spits in woman’s face.”  Yeah, that’s worth mentioning from a film that shows a dude getting his dick chopped off. Which, to be fair, Dove also mentions, but they say ‘male member’ instead of dick.  They’re classy that way.