I owe you guys an apology. People kept sending me this trailer for Vampire Dog, starring the voice of Norm MacDonald, and I sat on it for the better part of a week, because I had it confused it with Karate Dog, which we've already covered in excruciating detail. But this isn't some dumb flick about a dog voiced by Chevy Chase who does karate, oh no no no. It's an apparent masterwork about a dog voiced by Norm MacDonald who sucks blood. (It's also possible I confused it with the Vampire Dog photoshop that I use constantly, but I digress).
My God, this trailer has everything. I mean, it's got a vampire dog voiced by Norm MacDonald, obviously, and it's hard to imagine one needing anything else. There is no more perfect kids' movie voice actor than Norm MacDonald. His barely-trying line reads are the perfect complement to the barely-trying collections of tried-and-true tropes that most kids movies consist of (not criticizing, it's what works). This could easily be argued as some kind of wry, fourth-wall-breaking, post-modern performance art piece filled with fart sounds and talking dogs (like all the best performance art). In fact, I don't even know why I'm writing about this. THIS IS A JOB FOR... JAMES FRANCO! (*turns on giant spotlight projecting dicknose silhouette high into the Brooklyn sky*)(*cranks up M83 CD*)
While we wait, let's break this down...
First, the trailer.
"Moooom, I hate moving! Now I'm the new kid and no one likes me! Can't you find me a mysterious companion who'll turn my life upside down? Preferably one with a supernatural twist?"
Subtle foreshadowing, for all the serious cinephiles surely in the audience.
"I hate school! I just know I'm going to be unpopular for some reason!"
"I knew it! I'm unpopular and all because I hit the band teacher in the nuts with a drumstick!"
Oh that is a BEAUTIFUL nutshot-reaction face, BRA-VO. They don't teach that in direct-to-DVD acting school, it's just something you're born with.
Real talk, in the real world, if you rock out on drums in band class and hit your teacher in the nuts with a drumstick, it doesn't make you an outcast, it makes you so goddamn cool you're practically your own beer commercial.
And yes, this is even better in gif form...
Thanks to @ParadigmShift35 at ThrowtheFlagBlog for the gif. I know what I'll be doing for the next three hours.
"Epic fail, bro."
One of the central tenets of sh*tty kids movies is that the school bully be some asshole blond kid. I call it the Billy Zabka rule. Bonus points if he has an inexplicably Italian name.
IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU SHOWED UP, VAMPIRE DOG, I'M A FREAKIN' PARIAH AT MY NEW SCHOOL!
I legitimately laughed out loud when he asked the dog to shake and it farted. This, and I'm not being cute, is remarkably similar to a scene in The Master.
THE DOG TALKS! AMAZING! Okay now, pipe down, dog. Try to limit your talking to the times your back is to us, these Korean animators don't work for free.
Oh right, the kid has to faint first. Yeesh, it's like he doesn't even know the title of his own movie. Like the nutshot-reaction face, every child actor worth his eventual criminal record has to have a solid faint face in his repertoire. It's as much a prerequisite as stupid floppy hair.
Oh no, the villain's here for some reason, and she's got... a bad wig, and... leather clothes! If bad wigs and leather make you a villain, there's a bar called "STUD" near my house that's FULL of villains. The FBI should get on that.
"I need the DNA of a vampire dog to perfect my anti-aging formula!"
Well sure.
Hey, what are you going to do with that empty dog carrier...
Classic. Mr. Bean with a Turkey on His Head approves.
Time for the boy's best friend to wreak havoc at the school! Get this floppy-haired toolbag some friends!
By the way: Hitting the band teacher in the nuts = outcast. Blowing your classmate's papers out of their hands with your super-powered vampire dog = instant popularity. This school's got a weird social hierarchy, man, I'm telling you.
I was about to type something here, but Chris Hanson turned off my keyboard.
Ahh yes, underwear jokes. They're as timeless as giant boxer shorts pulled up above your belly button.
AND THEY END ON A POOP JOKE! Seriously, is it my birthday? It's like this whole thing was made specifically for me.
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/photo/257/thumb)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/imacyborgbutthatsok-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/if-you-liked-the-wolf-of-wall-street-youll-love-the-wolves-of-wall-street-starring-eric-roberts-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/Marilyn-Monroe-150x150.jpg)
![[image]](http://cdn.fd.uproxx.com/wp-content/thumbnails/130/110/2013/06/michael-cera-plays-a-weird-fruity-psycho-in-magic-magic-filmdrunk-150x150.jpg)
Wow…
I vant to sniff your butt.
Still love Norm
The neutering scene takes vampire abstinence allegories to a whole new level.
Swap blue shirt guy at 1:47 for purple shirt girl from 1:37 and I’ll buy all the tickets
Vampire Dog suffers from kennel coffin.
I have been waiting for this my entire life.
Can we all watch this together?
Is it too late for this to be the Live Frotcast movie?
Vampire Dog rolls over in his grave.
As I watched this I genuinely thought it was an extremely wry, Funny or Die spoof (or like, that Joker Films was some kinda comedy troupe Norm Macdonald was involved with). I was APPLAUDING it. Then at the end, I noticed it didn’t go out on a high note…there wasn’t a dead giveaway joke or anything to really ratchet up the satire.
Then I read your description. This is real. Oh mercy.
Suicidal Vampire Dog begs for the steak.
Hey man, don’t dicknose M83.
Is having a watermark Uproxx company policy now?? SWANKY. I thought you guys weren’t real big on private property tho?
the Filmdrunk logo makes it more legit
Vampire Dog is only interested in biting the mailman.
Jesus. These Twilight previews are getting worse all the time.
Looks like the villians are from a B-52′s cover band.
Between this and Frankenweenie I can only hope somewhere down the line we will be getting The Monster Dog Squad – “Wolfdog had nards.” *Covers eyes with paws*
How the hell did they get though that entire thing without a single “Play undead” joke?
You good sir/ma’am have not seen the film in it’s entirety.
Hey, this was shot in my hometown. Awesome. Amy Matysio, the villian in this, stars in an awesome web series called inSAYSHAble. Check it out at [insayshableonline.com]. It might almost make up for Vampire Dog.
I knew there was just too much talent and one less upside down SUV there for it to be Tracey Gold.
I think this is the only dog I wouldn’t peanut butter my crotch with.
Not All Dogs Go To Heaven
I saw this on another site (yeah, I was unfaithful to FD) and those philistines had the temerity to mock and even criticise it! But, but, I stammered (metaphorically), it has the Voice of Norm MacDonald, former star of the sitcom Norm! His presence alone justifies this film’s existence!
Sadly, it seems this isn’t a spoof of crappy kids’ movies, but instead is yet another crappy kids’ movie. But with Norm.
Vampire Dog needs a chihuahua sidekick named Renfield.
Vampire Dog can’t stop chasing Van Helsing.
The next time Bill Murray and Norm MacDonald are out drinking together, they will probably fight like cats and dogs.
The actor playing Vampire Dog really chews the scenery.
Vampire Dog’s grandfather was a blood hound.
Vampire Dog is in love with Mina Barker.
Vampire Dog puts on his Pirate Dog Halloween costume before raiding the Bloodmobile.
How is that dog not a doberman? Mister Dober Man, could’ve been a contender. (At least it’s not a wiener dog nibbling on a jugular.)
It’s been done. Dracula’s Dog (1978) aka Zoltan, the Hound of Dracula. Of course, that was a totally serious film.
It’s currently at 8.8 on imdb. Seems a little low.
*notes M83 reference, bookmarks filmdrunk to toolbar.
Vampire dog only chases pussy for a few days each month.
I give that trailer a 9/10. Unfortunately I had to deduct one point for not having a scene where vampire dog (or other pet) did not cover their eyes with their paws after something zany and/or embarrassing happened.
As soon as I saw Lugosi High School I knew this trailer was the nectar of the dog gods
Also everybody needs to fix the like to dislike ratio on Youtube.