I owe you guys an apology. People kept sending me this trailer for Vampire Dog, starring the voice of Norm MacDonald, and I sat on it for the better part of a week, because I had it confused it with Karate Dog, which we've already covered in excruciating detail. But this isn't some dumb flick about a dog voiced by Chevy Chase who does karate, oh no no no. It's an apparent masterwork about a dog voiced by Norm MacDonald who sucks blood. (It's also possible I confused it with the Vampire Dog photoshop that I use constantly, but I digress).
My God, this trailer has everything. I mean, it's got a vampire dog voiced by Norm MacDonald, obviously, and it's hard to imagine one needing anything else. There is no more perfect kids' movie voice actor than Norm MacDonald. His barely-trying line reads are the perfect complement to the barely-trying collections of tried-and-true tropes that most kids movies consist of (not criticizing, it's what works). This could easily be argued as some kind of wry, fourth-wall-breaking, post-modern performance art piece filled with fart sounds and talking dogs (like all the best performance art). In fact, I don't even know why I'm writing about this. THIS IS A JOB FOR... JAMES FRANCO! (*turns on giant spotlight projecting dicknose silhouette high into the Brooklyn sky*)(*cranks up M83 CD*)
While we wait, let's break this down...
First, the trailer.
"Moooom, I hate moving! Now I'm the new kid and no one likes me! Can't you find me a mysterious companion who'll turn my life upside down? Preferably one with a supernatural twist?"
Subtle foreshadowing, for all the serious cinephiles surely in the audience.
"I hate school! I just know I'm going to be unpopular for some reason!"
"I knew it! I'm unpopular and all because I hit the band teacher in the nuts with a drumstick!"
Oh that is a BEAUTIFUL nutshot-reaction face, BRA-VO. They don't teach that in direct-to-DVD acting school, it's just something you're born with.
Real talk, in the real world, if you rock out on drums in band class and hit your teacher in the nuts with a drumstick, it doesn't make you an outcast, it makes you so goddamn cool you're practically your own beer commercial.
And yes, this is even better in gif form...
Thanks to @ParadigmShift35 at ThrowtheFlagBlog for the gif. I know what I'll be doing for the next three hours.
One of the central tenets of sh*tty kids movies is that the school bully be some asshole blond kid. I call it the Billy Zabka rule. Bonus points if he has an inexplicably Italian name.
IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU SHOWED UP, VAMPIRE DOG, I'M A FREAKIN' PARIAH AT MY NEW SCHOOL!
I legitimately laughed out loud when he asked the dog to shake and it farted. This, and I'm not being cute, is remarkably similar to a scene in The Master.
THE DOG TALKS! AMAZING! Okay now, pipe down, dog. Try to limit your talking to the times your back is to us, these Korean animators don't work for free.
Oh right, the kid has to faint first. Yeesh, it's like he doesn't even know the title of his own movie. Like the nutshot-reaction face, every child actor worth his eventual criminal record has to have a solid faint face in his repertoire. It's as much a prerequisite as stupid floppy hair.
Oh no, the villain's here for some reason, and she's got... a bad wig, and... leather clothes! If bad wigs and leather make you a villain, there's a bar called "STUD" near my house that's FULL of villains. The FBI should get on that.
"I need the DNA of a vampire dog to perfect my anti-aging formula!"
Hey, what are you going to do with that empty dog carrier...
Classic. Mr. Bean with a Turkey on His Head approves.
Time for the boy's best friend to wreak havoc at the school! Get this floppy-haired toolbag some friends!
By the way: Hitting the band teacher in the nuts = outcast. Blowing your classmate's papers out of their hands with your super-powered vampire dog = instant popularity. This school's got a weird social hierarchy, man, I'm telling you.
I was about to type something here, but Chris Hanson turned off my keyboard.
Ahh yes, underwear jokes. They're as timeless as giant boxer shorts pulled up above your belly button.
AND THEY END ON A POOP JOKE! Seriously, is it my birthday? It's like this whole thing was made specifically for me.