I apologize to everyone in advance if this whole thing is painfully obscure, but I discovered this today and it blew my mind, so I thought I’d attempt to blow yours because I like blowing people. Anyway, the backstory: So yesterday, the delightful Lindy West, everyone’s favorite Frotcast regular, did a spirited gif breakdown of a fantastically pompous Fox News editorial written by a guy who’d saved himself for his wedding night, talking about how great it was. Sex is fun, who knew? (Yeah, guy, us fornicators call that the “honeymoon period,” I promise you’ll see your girl in a whole new light once she’s come down from her pedestal and your constant, intense desire for sex isn’t coloring your every interaction – have fun with that. Might take like 6-8 months in your case). He refers to pre-marital sex-havers variously as “floozies,” “promiscuous charlatans,” “harlots,” and “mimbos,” because he apparently lives in the 1830s, in constant fear of Arab slave traders and the creeping negro menace. At the end of the guy’s article his bio said simply, “Steven Crowder is a comedian.”
Wow, talk about an invitation. Knowing this was likely a treasure trove of cringeworthy awfulness, I urged Lindy to investigate this further and she dug up (among other things, oy), Steven Crowder’s above appearance on Fox & Friends. It was thoroughly unsurprising in its cringeworthy awfulness and thus mostly un-newsworthy, until I came to a shocking epiphany: HOLY SH*T THIS IS LIGHTS CAMERA JACKSON FROM THE FUTURE!
THEY’RE PRACTICALLY WEARING THE SAME SHIRT! SET PHASERS TO DOPPLEGANGLE!
Behold:
I’d call this a cautionary tale, but something tells me most of the people who encourage Lights Camera Jackson’s brand of bland TV douche-mimicry would by positively thrilled if he grew up to be Steven Crowder.
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I wish Lindy wasn’t under the oppressive Gawker rules and could be on the Frotcast again. Her views on Blart and her loud sex broke up the jock strap smell the cast has on the regular now.
Has she been banned from going on the Frotcast? Boo, that sucks.
Which reminds me, the guest appearances by Alison Stevenson have been very good. Although women scare me, I think one female guest every fifty episodes or so can be a pleasant change. As long as there aren’t any blacks.
Or any gays in there. (Which is why I’m assuming Burnsy hasn’t been on in a while. HEEEEEEEEYO!)
cheese + whiz – miracle whip = cheese whiz.
Alison’s laugh is disturbingly arousing.
I’m not sure it counts as “saving yourself” if nobody really wants to have sex with you.
please beitch you aint got no cheese wheeiz… bitch ass mofucka…… i aint smother yo ass in cheese wheeiz… i chose cheese wheeeiz. you know why? because cheese whiz DOESN’T HAVE SEX WITH JOHNNY! That ain’t RIGHT! So, yes, I stick my dick in cheese whiz! Who don’t? You don’t? You ain’t worth my cheese whiz anyway, you nasty. You ass nasty. You miracle whip nasty. Can’t say shit bout cheese whiz tho. Cheese whiz the bomb from gizan.
Do you think if/when Steven Crowder touches Action Jackson it will be more like Timecop or Happiness?
.
Help! I can’t shut off the Lights Camera Jackson video! Literally–is there no STOP button?!
*smashes monitor and speakers*
I had the same problem. Mute your computer and stare and the interviewer’s boobs. You’re welcome.
Um, did you not see when he said he smashed his monitor and speakers? HE CAN’T SEE YOUR COMMENT
ERRY ONE HAS A RIGHT TO A VOICE! EVEN CHEESE WHIZ! WHY CANT CHEESE WHIZ SPEAK MEOW! CHEESE WHIZ! ASS ASS ASS ASS ASS! CHEESE WHIZ!
Ho-ly shit.
“I love life experiences, I hope to have as many of them as possible.” That’s exactly the first thing I’d expect a sentient robot to say.
I got married when I was 26, and was way less of a douche bag than Steven Crowder. That’s how I knew I was ready. In the entire interview, I don’t think “love” was mentioned once.
Love is for desperate, dirty fornicators.
I ‘saved myself’ for marriage and now the poop just falls out of my butt.
How the Christ do I nominate this for Comment of the Week?
I second your nomination. There’s something about this I can’t stop laughing at. I wish it were due to the cleverly implied naivete of engaging in anal sex as a desperate attempt to preserve one’s virginity (or a good ol’ fashioned Mormon triple) but I suspect it’s mostly because the phrasing, “the poop just falls out of my butt” is my new favorite sequence of words.
You are going to get me fired for trying not to laugh hysterically in my cubicle
Never forget.
He only got married so his family would stop sending him to Pray the Gay Away camps.
^^ Yes, this
Future Lights Camera Jackson still isn’t allowed to watch R rated movies, not that he would want to watch that filth anyway.
…something tells me most of the people who encourage Lights Camera Jackson’s brand of bland TV douche-mimicry would by positively thrilled if he grew up to be Steven Crowder
Are you implying that Lights, Camera, Jackson isn’t going to grow up and find a wife? ‘Cause he will, damnit. It’s probably just gonna be a severed head in his freezer, or a chair, or some other freaky fetish butt-thing
Whenever my husband complains about my withholding of sex, I kindly explain to him that I’m saving myself for divorce.
Your words. I like them.
Lights Camera Jackson grew up to become “Beans” on the show Even Stevens. And now Shia LaBeouf won’t even take his calls.
The only thing Steven Crowder loves more than his collection of deep freezers is his collection of frozen dead hookers.
“Feeling judged? I couldn’t care less. You know why? Because my wife and I were judged all throughout our relationship. People laughed, scoffed and poked fun at the young, celibate, naive Christian couple.
We’d certainly never make it to the wedding without schtupping, and if we did, our “wedding night would be awkward and terrible,” they said.”
a) Are Christians allowed to use Yiddish phrases like “schtupping”?
b) Nobody – NOBODY – gives a flying fuck about whether you and your chaste wife did the nasty before your wedding night. I know literally dozens of people in relationships, and I’ve never given a single fuck about if they were doing it before, after, or during their wedding. The only fucking I care about is the fucking me and my wife do, the people in the porn we watch, and occasionally my one friend with the huge cans.
c) Your wife is only a technical virgin. I plowed her rusty sheriff’s badge one night after a Nickleback concert
Agreed with your 2nd point (though I’d like to hear more about “C”). No one gives a shit about your sex life unless you’re volunteering the information. Like someone asks how long you’ve been with your girlfriend and you say, “4 months… we’re saving ourselves for marriage”… So basically this dude is acknowledging that he acted like a pompous douchebag when he discussed premarital sex
“Creeping Negro Menace” is not just a collective noun, but also used to refer to Leroy “Blacksnake” Takayoshi- a black man trained in the ninja arts by his adopted family, the Takayoshi Clan.
I’d this “Steven Crowder’s” words more seriously if he didn’t have his shirt buttons undone like some DOCKWORKING DAGO WHORE!!!!
Frightening. [i.imgur.com]
I like that he stole a Daniel Tosh bit and passed it off as his own. Steven Crowder is the Carlos Mencia of Fox News, except slightly more Hispanic. Tosh has a bit talking about why he lives in California, when people complain that it has no seasons. He says “I love seasons too, that’s why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones.” Crowder says “I love life experiences, that’s why I choose to skip the crappy ones.” He Christianed it up a bit, but it seems like a blatant rip off too me.
That’s a ridiculous reach.
Sometimes people’s thoughts coincide. Synergy. We are all one. ZOMG I’m on mushrooms!
This article is the ultra-conservative Christian equivalent of high-fiving your bros after “totally nailing Stacee at Mike-Mike’s kegger last night.” The big difference being that penicillin will cure that mistake right up but there’s no quick fix for realizing that after three years of marriage you don’t really know (or even like) your wife because, based on your rigid, fantasy-based, religious moral directives, you spent the majority of your courtship seeing her as the vagina you’ll eventually come in instead of the compatible partner she needs to be.
This.
+17
“You’d be way more enthusiastic with your congratulations if you met my fiance, she’s way out of my league.” Telling women from birth that her partner has been designated a priori for her by sky daddy and that she can’t figure out through experimentation and life experience what she’s actually attracted to is a fantastic way to marry hot chicks. Banning sex before marriage was the best move insecure men ever made.
I’ve never really thought of it that way, but you nailed it.
Hope he married it first.
The punchability of Steven Crowders face is off the charts.
Pfft. Spoken like a fornicator.
That kid needs to be trained as a killer and we can turn this into a real-life “Looper.”
I’m not going to eat food for a month because my Sky Cake told me that if I did that I’d be better than everyone else. After that month, when I break my fast with my religiously prescribed boiled chicken and soggy bread, it will be the most amazingly spectacularly fantastically mind-farkingly greatest best meal I have ever had.
You are all whores and retards for not doing the same.
John McCain was probably pretty stoked when he got out of that POW camp, and I bet every day since then has been a more-richly lived experience for him than if he had spent Vietnam AWOL from the Reserves snorting 5-for-a-peso tequila shots with George W. Bush at Señor Frog’s.
But he’s not saying we should all crawl into a tiger cage and defecate on ourselves for 6 years or we’re pussies.
Analogys are fun.
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It must be really easy to be a conservative comedian. Being a good conservative comedian would be like making a good porno. The bar is set so low it’d be almost impossible to fail.
Holy fuck, that is perfect. They are virtually the same person. The inane fast-talking, the ignorant earnestness, the shirt. You sir, have struck the virgin right on the dick.