The Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure (as if “big” was the word that needed emphasizing in that phrase) narrowly edged out your mom’s crotch to become the worst opening of all time this weekend, earning just $445,000 on 2,160 screens. The only two things I knew about this film before today were that the producer was apparently inspired by people yelling at the screen during Madea Goes to Jail (no, really), and that the character on the right up there would kill my parents if I told anyone where she touched me.

It was pretty obvious that Oogieloves in the BIG Balloon Adventure wasn’t going to do well, but no one expected it to open this low. The movie earned an estimated $445,000 from 2,160 locations this weekend; that tops 2008′s Delgo ($511,920) for the worst debut ever for a movie in more than 2,000 theaters. It also had the second-worst per-theater average for a movie in nationwide release at just $206. To put that in perspective, if each location played Oogieloves five times a day on one screen at an average ticket price of $7, that would translate to fewer than two people per showing. [BoxOfficeMojo]

The fourth worst opening ever was for Major League: Back to the Minors, so you can understand why when Charlie Sheen was running his mouth about making another Major League movie a year or so ago, they were all calling it “Major League 3,” just ignoring the fact that there already was a Major League 3. And why not? It’s not like people were really looking for continuity in the Major League franchise. They already replaced Wesley Snipes with Omar Epps and just acted like they were the same person. Anyway, I digress. The Oogieloves trailer is after the jump, in case you want to feel like you’re tripping balls for a couple minutes.

Wow. Okay. Can someone take just that two seconds of Cary Elwes in a cowboy hat saying “don’t forget to wobble!”? I feel like you could splice that into anything and make it 20 percent better.