Bear with me, folks, this one requires a journey deep down the rabbit hole. So, American Pie‘s Pie effer in Chief Jason Biggs is apparently voicing Leonardo in a new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles show for Nickelodeon. (Stay with me here, we’ve got a long way to go). In promoting the show, Nickelodeon apparently promoted Biggs’ Twitter account. Meanwhile, a website called Twitchy, clearly doing the Lord’s work, took it upon themselves to catalog every “lewd” thing Biggs tweeted, clutching their pearls all the while and eventually calling for a boycott of Nickelodeon.
Some of Biggs’ offending tweets (asterices added by me – blame your workplace’s family filters):
If your sweater has buttons and buckles on it, you are very good at sucking d*ck. #TheBachelorette
I bet the top priority for a women’s basketball team equipment manager is to make sure they have enough dental dams. And then basketballs.
Just got emailed another birth announcement. Damn, there are a lot of Jewgly kids in Hollywood.
Happy we’re clamping down on texting while driving, but when is being Asian while driving going to become illegal?
If Twitter is a penis, then she totally swallows. #FF my wife, @jennyandteets [What the hell does that even mean? How does a penis swallow? Ugh. -Ed]
“your pussy isn’t allergic to pussy, is it?” – my husband, defending his attempt to finger me after petting a feral cat -Jenny Mollen
I’d totes dip a pinky or two in Paul Ryan’s wife’s bleached assh*le (she obvs bleaches her assh*le). #RNC
“@jennyandteets: People are cheering off screen because Janna Ryan is showing her tits! #RNC”
Clint Eastwood talking to a non-responsive stool sorta sums up Christianity in a nutshell, huh Republicans? #RNC
You know, just your basic, not-nearly-as-funny-as-I-think-I-am actor tweets. Feel free to check out Biggs’ wife Jenny Mollen’s completely insufferable blog for 10,000 more words of that (a few people have suggested that I do an in-depth breakdown of her latest, but, while it would surely be big traffic, I don’t think I could handle the sheer volume of negativity it would require of me). Anyway, poor Jason apparently understimated how much the wingnut media cares about a B-list actor’s tweets when that B-list actor insults Republicans.
Breitbart editor and radio show host Dana Loesch filled in for Glenn Beck today on his program, and she took American Idiot Jason Biggs straight to the woodshed over his disgusting tweets. Nickelodeon, who has yet to straight-up disavow anything employee Biggs has said and has in fact been promoting his Twitter account, didn’t escape Loesch’s wrath, either. [Twitchy]
Wow. That confusing Green Day reference hurts, bra. I wonder if that was the same woodshed where Jerry Falwell lost his virginity to his mother (see? I can make nonsensical political references too). Twitchy and the rest of the culty, rightist media apparently made such a ruckus that the Colorado Rockies cancelled Nickelodeon Day. Twitchy and co. even tried to badger Nickelodeon’s advertisers into giving a statement, apparently to no avail. Nickelodeon did take the bait, sort of, keeping Biggs employed, but eventually releasing a statement, even if it was only to Breitbart:
In a statement to Breitbart.com, whose managing editor Alexander Marlow emailed a complaint to the network’s vice president of programming, Nickelodeon offered the following explanation:
“The offensive comments made by Jason Biggs last week on his personal twitter account do not reflect our company’s views or values, and we condemn them. Nickelodeon does not support or condone the use of graphic or vulgar language on any of our platforms.
“It was our mistake to link from our Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles twitter feed to Jason’s personal twitter account, and we quickly corrected our error. We also insisted Jason use better judgment and discretion in public communications while affiliated with our brand.” [FoxNews]
Now, let us not forget, this all started with a pief*cker doing voice work for a cartoon about mutated turtles who love pizza. Friends, we live in stupid, stupid times. Bartender? I’ll have rye whiskey on the rocks with a Men in Black memory eraser on the side.
[hat tip to huggy snugglekins Dave Chen]
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How does one pronounce ‘Jewgly’?
Woo-dEE ah-Len
“If Twitter is a penis, then she totally swallows. #FF my wife, @jennyandteets [What the hell does that even mean? How does a penis swallow? Ugh. -Ed]”
I’m guessing that the “she” is not the penis that is Twitter, but the wife. So, in other words, if Twitter is a penis, his wife swallows, which I guess implies she sucks at Twitter or something?
Oh Jesus, did I just explain that?
“Clint Eastwood talking to a non-responsive stool sorta sums up Christianity in a nutshell, huh Republicans? #RNC”
And I guess this is a “God isn’t real and praying is like talking to someone who isn’t there” joke.
In syntax, a transitive verb is a verb that requires both a subject and one or more objects. The term is used to contrast intransitive verbs, which do not have objects.
Hustler Magazine v. Falwell reference FTW.
The easy fix here would just be for Nickelodeon to switch Biggs over to Michelangelo.
I don’t think I would enjoy pie fucker saying “Cowabunga dude”.
I’d be afraid he’d fuck the pizza pie.
That’s amore!
What part of Creationism covers turtle mutation?
The turtles were created by god. They became covered in radioactive slime, which was created by man (with god’s blessing, of course). The turtles then magically transformed into kung-fu stoners, thereby proving that magic is real and David Blaine really is doing all that boring shit, not just pretending to do that boring shit.
“Follow Jason on twitter if you want some ‘Biggs’ laughs!” – Gene Shalit
Note to other Non-U.S. readers: Google Imaging “Paul Ryan’s Wife” is not worth the effort.
Wish I’d read that before a-googlin’… *shudder*
This pseudo-outrage in response to a manufactured scandal is as much a treasured piece of Americana as apple pie itself. Social media is a flute–beautiful when used properly, but here invading the Alyson Hannigan vagina that is Nickolodeon and inviting a queefy situation that is unpleasant for anyone caught in the crosswinds. Jason Biggs is Jason Biggs’ dick, fucking up not only the treasured family favorite apple pie (here TMNT) but also inviting a yeast infection of reactionary right wing pundits to fuck up Alyson Hannigan’s vagina.
Also did I say this was treasured Americana like apple pie? Because I meant repetitive, juvenile, and unentertaining like American Pie.
I bet Jenny can’t make eye contact with Jason during sex without laughing.
Obviously because he’s such a goose, not because he’s a dud.
Bravo. Bra-friggin-vo, Lance. Now if only Jason Biggs had legitimately raped Chik-fil-A
I wonder what it’s like to work for Twitchy as the “Jason Biggs Twitter-Feed Cataloger”.
I imagine the cafeteria there just serves a gun with a bullet on a nice orange plastic tray.
Turtle-Pizza Gangbang or GTFO!!!!!!!!!!
Poor Pie Fucker!
Jezebel scoffs at Twitchy’s feeble attempt at witch hunting.
[twitter.com]
FYI, the herp-derpers are still going on about this story.
Shout out to the Sorkin-ism
When she links to your story, does that mean mean that WE’RE the herp-derpers?
It’s funny because I think they think you agree with them.
I can think of eleven funnier riffs on Clint Eastwood talking to a non-responsive stool that wouldn’t offend any Christians, but will probably offend gastroenterologists and the AARP..
Can we get a giant meteor, or at least a plague or something? I think we’re finally ready to invent the Cylons.
Whatever you do – do not read Mrs. Biggs’ blog. What an unfunny bitch.
No shit. I read a few sentences of that blog and was overcome with the urge to sacktap Vince for linking to that garbage.
Hey guys, don’t read that article I described as completely insufferable. I heard it’s kind of insufferable.
If linking to something wasn’t tacit acknowledgement that everything at that web page was your own personal view then we wouldn’t have this post in the first place.
People are offering explanations to Breitbart.com now? The only reason this happened is because of the political tweets. Politics and feigned outrage are like peas and carrots.
Hey Jason, maybe Clint can talk to another stool that seats your relevance!
*crowd goes “OOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!” 8 Mile style.*
Nobody cared, but Tara Reid tweeted “my pussy is like Jesus, everybody’s welcome”
Cons won’t be happy until he’s covered in green slime.
Every time a “Jewgly” kid is born in Hollywood, Barbara Streisand gains another year of life.
One step closer to Mecha-Streisand
Bah, look at all the crazy forshak The Mighty Feklahr says on His Twitter feed, and they still didn’t cancel “Trekkie Cheerleader Day” in the crawlspace under His trailer!
Couldn’t happen to a better pie rapist.
(oh, c’mon, like the pie consented.)
If an apple pie is legitimately raped, it can’t make strudel. Unless, of course, you like cum on your strudel. Then anything is possible.
Before reading this, I didn’t care about Twitchy, Breitbert, Jason Biggs, Twitter, or Nickelodeon. I still don’t, but I now feel dumber than the plot of dumb and dumberer. On the plus side a new TMNT show! Nice!
It’s better if you imagine Leonardo tweeting that stuff from the back of the Turtle van.
So if he was talking about violating Michelle obamas ass it would have been fine?
Got it.
Those jokes aren’t Funnie.
Don’t play cute, jackass -as most idiots on the left you are misrepresting the issue. He was making lude, violently sexual remarks about the Republican candidates’ wives, on a page that was being marketed to children. This is a no brainer, pull you head out and stop playing party line bullshit. Biggs fucked up, period.
JASON BIGGS MARKETS ‘LUDES TO CHILDREN!!!
Damn Woogy. You’re right. This changes my view on the Worlds Most Important Topic completely. Thank you kind sir and may God bleth.
Torgo,et al: perhaps you have children but I’m guessing NOT as you seem idiotic about promoting an account TO children that not only had disgusting verbage, but ALSO had photo’s on it of dildo’s among others. I do not give a ratzazz what this guy tweets, but when a site such as Nickelodeon, that parents would deem okay to let their children peruse, markets that twitter account to children and encourages them to visit it, well I would draw a line there. Maybe your mother did not care what you did when you were young, and failed to check on what you were reading or exposed to, but I actually care about my kids. No wonder we have a generation of shitheads who care about nothing other than acting like they care about nothing.