I’ll admit that for a second my heart skipped a beat when I saw the alert for a trailer to the film Gambit, as I said a quick prayer to my monkey gods for a film that could help me forget Taylor Kitsch’s portrayal of the Cajun X-Man in the lackluster Wolverine. Sadly, this is not that Gambit, but a remake of the 1966 Michael Caine art heist film. Fortunately, in this era of lazy remakes, the Coen Brothers have penned the script, and the presence of Colin Firth and Alan Rickman certainly can’t hurt.
So what’s this caper film all about? Here’s the synopsis of the original:
Cockney cat burglar Harry Dean needs Hong Kong dancer Nicole Chang’s help to pull off the perfect heist. With a simple makeover and a new wardrobe; Nicole’s resemblance to wealthy recluse Mr. Shahbandar’s late wife is uncanny. While Shahbandar is distracted by the mesmerizing Nicole, Harry takes steps to swipe a priceless artifact from under the tycoon’s nose. But even the most foolproof schemes have a way of backfiring…
Ah, the 60s. When Shirley MacLaine could play “Nicole Chang” and nobody even bothered to second guess it. What a time that must have been.
As for the new version, this time it’s Firth playing Harry Dean, as he bumbles and fumbles his way through a plan to rip off his a-hole boss, played by Rickman, with the help of Cameron Diaz as a cartoon character from Texas. I’ll be shocked if Diaz doesn’t grow a long red mustache by the film’s end and run around shouting, “WHAT IN TARNATION!” as she shoots her finger guns in the air.
Hey Coen Brothers, you know who is from Texas? Actual actresses that speak like actual Texans. (Unless she ends up being a schemer who rips them both off and the Texas accent was just an act, in which case I retract my smarm, but still wag my finger for predictability. I loved Fargo.)
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When 1960s gambit says cher he’s actually talking about Ms. Sonny Bono.
A+++++
Man I forgot Taylor Kitsch was Gambit in that awful Wolverine movie… That dude really sucks. I hope his John Carter and Battleship flops have killed his career.
that dude can suck my cheese whiz.
How does Cameron Diaz keep getting roles as ‘the hot chick’?
She actually does the things that Alison Brie pretends to do in gifs.
How does Cameron Diaz NOT get roles as scary troll thing
i wouldn’t stick my dick into her cheese whiz, if you know what I mean.
I know what you mean Whiz. I’d stick my dick in her mashed potatoes
When I think back on Wolverine, Taylor Kitsch doesn’t even stand out as being particularly bad. Which basically tells you what a crapfest that movie was.
I still can’t believe they put WILL.I.AM in that movie.
My fiancee and I hung out backstage with Will.I.Am in Brazil and dude is as gay as the day. Afterwards my fiancee said “oh my God, he’s so CUTE. I wanna put him in my pocket.
[www.youtube.com]
Graham Norton FTW by the way.
Only thing worse than watching Wolverine is watching Wolverine on a Trans-Atlantic flight with a crappy sound system on your way to a year long deployment in the Middle East
That movie was a steaming pile of cheese whiz.
It is odd that they couldn’t find someone who could do a better Texas accent. Her inflections remind me of what I’d try to sound like if mocking a dumb person from Texas.
When I was in high school, we were doing a play (don’t remember which one) but I was cast as a Texas character with three lines. I was booted because I spoke just like Cameron does in that trailer.
For the love of God Burnsy, please tell me you were playing the Dolly Parton role!
HAHA BURNSY WAS IN A PLAY I KNEW YOU WERE CALLED “ASHLEY” FOR A REASON
I’m sorry, Burnsy. Let’s never fight again.
Make peace over cheese whiz.
Also, why would anyone let Cameron Diaz do accents? Didn’t they see Gangs of New York? SHE CAN’T DO ACCENTS.
Her accents ain’t worth my cheese whiz.
I got excited for a second when I saw “Cockney cat burglar Harry Dean Stanton.” What a letdown. My man could totally burgle Cockney cats. Repo Man 2: Pussy Wagon.
I was watching Kill Bill Vol. 1 on TNT the other night and they changed Buck’s Pussy Wagon to Party Wagon. I mean, let the kids see people getting their limbs hacked off and Uma Thurmon’s feet, but for the love of God, not the word “pussy!”
……….cheese whiz.
I thought having a Texas accent just meant you’re unable to pronounce “nuclear” correctly.
can’t pronounce cheese whiz either.
It looks like a harmless, entertaining fun kind of movie. But pointing out a couple of obvious things:
1. They should have dubbed the voices for everyone in the film using only Alan Rickman.
2. Why did they keep the girl who played the rodeo clown in her clown makeup/costume the whole movie?
1. cheese whiz.
2. Because it’s better that way. cheese whiz.
Without accents, how would we know that every Texan is a cowboy, every British is a posh wanker, and that everyone from another country sucks?
Cheese whiz ain’t got no accent, so that’s what I’m here for. To remind you that it’s there.
CHEESE WHIZ.
Jesus, it’s like The Ladykillers without all of the hollow casings of jokes laying to remind you it’s supposed to be funny. I’d say this will kill Cameron Diaz’s career, but why should this turd do what her lack of charm and talent have failed to do all these years. Also can we retire the jaunty heist comedy score from trailers for a while? Christ, this has put me in a mood. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the john releasing my own gambit trailer.
Gambit don’t need no cheese whiz. Seem nobody needs no cheese whiz these days. Makin’ cheese whiz guy useless. Usin’ miracle whip an’ shit. Forgot all about cheese whiz.
Fuck Miracle Whip! I’ll whip that bitch ass condiment with a good ol’ fashioned can of cheese whiz.
fuckin’ miracle whip, gettin’ all in my cheddar. I need my cheese whiz! I put that shit in my hair, I put that shit on my dick, I put that shit on my dog! Cheese Whiz is a thousand times better than that bitch ass miracle whip. Fuckin’ commie shit. Miracle whip sucks.
I’m confused. I was under the impression that gambit is a tool used in field to achieve kino escalation. What is all this stuff about X-men and Texan gremlins?
why does errybody hurr love miracle whip? need some goddam cheese whiz up in this shit.
“Ah, the 60s. When Shirley MacLaine could play “Nicole Chang” and nobody even bothered to second guess it.”
I think the family name used to be Changstein:
[www.youtube.com]
Cheese whiz, meow.
I’m not gonna lie, I’ve only ever liked 1 coen brothers movie, O Brother Where Art Thou. Everything else is just metaphorical bullshit or stars Frances McDormand. God I hate Frances McDormand. “Oh look at how bland and unassuming I am in such extraordinary circumstances.” FUCK YOU JOEL COEN! Or Ethan, I dunno. Whoever writes.
Raising Arizona, Intolerable Cruelty, No Country for Old Men and True Grit are all great films, none of which star Frances McDormand.
I’d smother her in cheese whiz and give her a hot blanket.
Didn’t like No Country for Old Men, way too disjointed a film. True Grit was nice but as it really didn’t have a lot of deviation from the original, I can’t give it a lot of props as a great film. Raising Arizonas one of those ones that I always thought about seeing, but just never seem to. And I’ve never had any desire to watch intolerable cruelty
Eh, I just looked it up and saw the Coens scripted it, but are neither Directing nor Exec Producing. That explains the Diaz casting and also will explain why it’ll probably be mediocre at best.
That ain’t even worth donkey dick miracle whip, much less my goddamn cheese whiz.
Jesus, I think Kate Winslet did a better Southern accent in “Titanic.”
If only she was in “Cheese Whiz: The Movie”, starring Patti Labelle for some reason.
@ Burnsy Dude, they WROTE it. That translates to absolutely no control over the actual production. #SWAG $WHATDOYOUTHINKTHISRASHMIGHTBE?
I’ll admit that for a second my heart skipped a beat when I saw the alert for a trailer to the film Gambit, as I said a quick prayer to my monkey gods for a film that could help me forget Taylor Kitsch’s portrayal of the Cajun X-Man in the lackluster Wolverine.
Me too, bud. Me too. I have gone from wanting Van Damme to Olivier Martinez (SWAT) to Josh Holloway to play Remmy over the years. And I get the guy in the can from Snakes on a Plane (I didn’t watch Friday Night Lights…).
Colin Firth deserves a lot of credit for overcoming his speed impediment and becoming an actor. Of course, so did Mel Tillis, and he didn’t even have help from Geoffrey Rush.
Obscure enough for ya? Substitute “Syd Saylor” for “Mel Tillis” then.
Is it just me or is the Cheeze whiz guy awesome?
But Fargo didn’t necessarily have anyone from Minnesota/North Dakota in that film doing Upper Midwest accents now, did it?
Unwiggle your finger now.
Every sound Frances McDormand makes is pretty much Upper Midwest
Glad the voice coach that worked on Varsity Blues is still getting work.
You guys keep saying “Cameron Diaz” but I keep seeing Mickey Rourke. Are you guys fucking with me?
Also, Mickey Rourke sounds like Sandy from Spongebob in this one.